Ep. 2: Be Your Ultimate Partner with Ruth Penfold-Brown

 

 

Full unedited transcript:

00:01.72
katrinamcollier
Ah, Ruth Penfold -brown Thank you so much for joining me joining me. Let’s try that again. Ah, your name is now quite mouthful isn’t it. Ah love it.

00:07.42
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I know I.

00:15.81
katrinamcollier
Ruth Penfold -brown thank you so much for joining me on beyond the damage of words where I really just want to talk about anything that you’ve been through. That’s helped you your healing journey and to inspire other people to take a step and of course welcome as a fellow light worker who’s always spreading light everywhere you go which is so wonderful. So tell me. What led you to take a step into healing like what what happened? How did you even realize you just needed some help what happened where did it all start.

00:40.77
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, well it was It was quite a ah, big big life changing moment right? So I think the truth is I didn’t realize as I edge towards towards that path I didn’t realize what was happening. Um, but.

00:49.18
katrinamcollier
Oh okay.

00:57.43
katrinamcollier
I get that.

00:58.90
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I was I had chosen to be in an abusive relationship that I had been in from the age of 19 and from about the age of 27 I started to wake up but I didn’t leave the relationship until I was 30 But what happened was suddenly.

01:13.70
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

01:17.20
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Ah, actually my now Best friend arrived in my world and loved herself and was living a life that was different and I thought she was utterly insane utterly bonkers I was like who does who does she think she is but her encouragement.

01:30.22
katrinamcollier
I Know how could somebody love who they are What is that? Ah yeah.

01:36.24
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Her encouragement sort of you know there were there was a series of fortunate events like I left 1 job I went to another job suddenly I was surrounded by men at this job who actually loved their wives and treated them well and I was like oh this isn’t what I have and it kind of it.

01:50.75
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

01:56.22
Ruth Penfold_Brown
It kind of goes in right now I reached I reached the point of almost thirty and everything just felt wrong. My body was aching my was getting like I just didn’t feel good I didn’t feel good but I was making it about my career because.

01:57.35
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:06.70
katrinamcollier
Are.

02:14.47
katrinamcollier
It’s amazing How we we create the illness within ourselves. Um illness is such a sign that there’s trauma isn’t there.

02:18.78
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Exactly right? exactly right? exactly right? and so I was um I reached that point and I was making it though about work because I was working in recruitment at the time.

02:30.39
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

02:33.70
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And I was like well I did I didn’t mean to do this job I fell into it. That’s what doesn’t feel good. It’s this job. It’s this job. So I said to my boss I said honestly I just don’t feel good and he was like well um.

02:40.66
katrinamcollier
Ah course.

02:48.34
Ruth Penfold_Brown
You should see my coach and I was at the time I mean this wasn’t just ah and ah you know a verbally abusive controllingly abusive relationship this was I was also the sole breadwinner. My ex-husband was accruing debt on my behalf.

03:05.83
katrinamcollier
F.

03:05.95
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, and so I was in a really deep financial pit. It was you know a financial abuse as much as anything else right? So my I said to the boss I was like I can’t afford that oh of course, Well no, no, no, but he didn’t even care I mean if you didn’t even register. Ah it didn’t even register.

03:14.74
katrinamcollier
Yeah, which was all your fault. Of course it was nothing to do with him of course. Ah my word. Ah.

03:25.95
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, he was just like have you got another twenty quid ah um but and no so my.

03:31.89
katrinamcollier
Ah, and of course the funny thing is he he would have thought so little of you as well look because he felt so little of himself that he would have been like yeah he would have torn you down a lot for that anyway I’m taking off points So your boss talks that coach.

03:43.81
Ruth Penfold_Brown
No, no, no, it’s all right? and right? Yeah, so and my boss when I said I said look I can’t afford a coach I appreciate you? Um, but I can’t afford a coach and he was like I’ll pay for it and um and I.

03:48.60
katrinamcollier
I’m just analyzing. And.

03:57.42
katrinamcollier
Wow.

04:00.18
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Saw this coach who was absolutely right smack bang in the middle of spirituality but she was just no nonsense and that works for me I’m ah I’m quite a straightforward person and she asked me.

04:11.43
katrinamcollier
M.

04:15.58
Ruth Penfold_Brown
The one most powerful question that I will that I will remember to this day in that first session which was when was the last time you experienced joy and I in the session said what are you talking about? I’m a really happy person. You know I went there to talk about my job and she just kept.

04:25.79
katrinamcollier
Down.

04:34.00
katrinamcollier
Oh yeah, oh this sounds so familiar. This was my story I fell into it I fell into it as well. Yeah, yeah, I’m here for work. Yeah.

04:34.47
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Asking me why I’d chosen like tell me about your husband tell me about your relationship right? You don’t mean it I didn’t want it I was like no I’m here to talk about work. But I’m here to talk about work. Go away anyway. So then my um, but. As I left that session I by the way ran away for three months but that’s that question kept bouncing around inside me and then you know my my my ex-husband had affairs and you know did other things I mean we don’t need to go into the detail of him.

04:59.00
katrinamcollier
Of course.

05:08.45
katrinamcollier
Oh.

05:11.30
Ruth Penfold_Brown
But something else like that was happening and and I knew and this time something about the question. It was like the perfect storm something about the question and this time I was like this is what you’re doing. This is the reality and there was something in that I’ve been taken low enough.

05:28.22
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

05:30.60
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I realized that the pain of staying in this situation was greater than the pain of leaving it. But I just want to re like leaving it isn’t even easy at that moment because you are so indoctrinated into being like it was twelve years I was with this person right? So when I left listeners.

05:34.72
katrinamcollier
Who.

05:46.79
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

05:50.50
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I left I left my last £20 for my ex-husband to be able to eat even though I was leaving him knowing that I had to go and that like that is how dysfunctional these sorts of dynamics can be um.

06:05.62
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, because it’s that it’s that feeling of it’s that I mean how it’d be interesting to hear how you were attracted to that relationship.

06:07.37
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And so but but I managed to leave.

06:18.63
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, yeah, bright right.

06:19.40
katrinamcollier
So a sense. There’s probably a bit before that. But also it’s their ability to make you feel so utterly worthless that it’s It’s extraordinary because it’s It’s not a quick thing is it. It goes over time. Um.

06:28.78
Ruth Penfold_Brown
No, no, exactly exactly and it’s It’s sort of it’s corrosive right? So you start out saying no, that’s not right and then and then they then they kind of get their hooks in and go well and suddenly your your reality has shifted right.

06:37.41
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

06:46.64
katrinamcollier
Um, in believing the words.

06:47.36
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Your reality has shifted. It’s the very definition of gaslightt constant gaslighting all the time which means that you don’t know who you are like I at 30 when I actually finally left and I did obviously leave I did not have a clue who I was um and to your to to add to your question. Yeah I mean that.

06:51.60
katrinamcollier
Constant gaslighting. Yeah yeah.

07:03.00
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

07:07.16
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Ultimately in childhood I learned I was expecting love to I was a sensitive empathetic child who felt a lot of things and I was expecting love in 1 way and my my.

07:16.80
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

07:24.20
Ruth Penfold_Brown
My childhood situation. The dynamics at home meant I got that love in a different way and now I can as an adult I can see that that what was what what the person was delivering they thought was love.

07:29.60
katrinamcollier
Yes.

07:37.88
katrinamcollier
Are yeah yeah, numbing.

07:39.78
Ruth Penfold_Brown
But to me as a child. It didn’t feel like love. So I made that mean that I’m not lovable I’m not enough I am not worthy which then led to a full blown rebellion in my teens like like drugs alcohol. Whatever at the age of sort of right numbing.

07:56.97
katrinamcollier
Numbing numbing that feeling of lacking self-worth yeah, it’d be interesting. Um, how you got there? yeah.

07:56.99
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And then at the then I stopped all that that’s it then I stopped all that met my ex-husband and then that that’s basically a different form of numbing that took me up to the age of 30

08:11.65
katrinamcollier
But and he was this weird kind of security when you feel you’re so unlovable and somebody is apparently loving you even though they’re not loving you. They’re like something to cling on to so that also makes it quite hard. Um, you would be very interested in Dr. Elaine Aon who is the the master of I just won’t say that anymore the expert that’s better in highly.

08:19.54
Ruth Penfold_Brown
That’s it.

08:27.31
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, great.

08:31.44
katrinamcollier
High sensitivity she has written a book book about the hsp in Love which I haven’t read yet. But I read the highlights and went Oh yes, we we do have different expectations. This is a highly sensitive person so you’ll find that quite fascinating. Um, what you do? So obviously you started with a coach.

08:37.77
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right? Yeah yeah.

08:47.90
katrinamcollier
Did you study with coaching was that the thing that got you out of it or did they use a bit of coaching therapy like what was the biggest healing modality where you went Oh my God this is and work This is making a difference isn’t so much now there isn’t there which is exciting.

08:50.10
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well what I would say is is well I mean that that coach kind of got me through the initial like separation pretty much right. But then after that honestly um, it was a gradual awakening and stepping into who I truly am that came in a few different forms. You know sometimes it might have been a book. Um, you know the but the the biggest one of all was um.

09:10.53
katrinamcollier
Yep.

09:19.80
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

Ruth Penfold_Brown

Finding stillness in my body through a healing modality. Um, which is called Esoteric healing. Um, it’s not quite like a Reiki type thing but I saw um a practitioner for many years and I say.

09:32.00
katrinamcollier
In here.

09:37.70
katrinamcollier
Oh yeah.

09:47.27
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I mean she was kind of like a teacher guide but through my work with that person who I’ve recommended many people to over the years. Um I learned how to meditate which trust me was like taming a wild animal. Um.

09:52.60
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

10:01.17
katrinamcollier
Um, oh yeah I hear sitting still in your own thoughts is can be really tough Initially Yeah, but once you can life changing.

10:05.00
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And so I mean the the most right really tough? well but and I think once you get still like if you’re able to get still. That’s the moment where you’re not running away from yourself anymore right.

10:21.96
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

10:24.88
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Where you’re not numbing where you’re not and then suddenly you start to scrutinize everything in your world like where am I numbing Actually what am I using for what purpose according to how I’m feeling and then I mean literally even to this day I live in a continuous state of audit where I’m like oh hang on.

10:34.40
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

10:44.60
Ruth Penfold_Brown
There’s a bit of numbing creeping in over here with this thing that’s creeping up. Okay, let’s take a step back. Let’s style that back. What does that look like but so honestly the the most life changing thing within all of that was be has been anything that I have learned.

10:48.73
katrinamcollier
Ah.

11:01.57
Ruth Penfold_Brown
That’s helped me to learn how to regulate my nervous system which has gone from being like super super high happy to super super low and now it’s more of a gentle fluctuation Now it’s more of a gentle wave right? yeah.

11:04.27
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

11:12.55
katrinamcollier
Yeah, quite steady. Yeah, actually gosh that really resonates with my experience as well because I really do it’s funny. You said it because the the joy of writing this book has been.

11:19.36
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And so I mean I think but but that there.

11:30.10
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right.

11:31.38
katrinamcollier
Getting it all out of my system and and it has been deep milling but I’d forgotten how much I fluctuated in the extremes when you self loging you’re super high or you’re super low and actually as someone who’s full of that self loving and care and compassion that I can hear when you talk about yourself. You have it’s.

11:35.20
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right? right? yeah.

11:46.52
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah.

11:50.76
katrinamcollier
It is quite steady. Of course you get excited and there’ll be over where I’m like who and there are other times Im a bit like oh God and you’re in floods of tears and then I’m back in regulate but they’re not huge extremes you’re right? This gentle undulation isn’t it. Not these troughs that were oh gosh.

11:51.45
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Oh yeah.

11:57.83
Ruth Penfold_Brown
No yeah, well and you know how to regulate yourself. You know how to regulate regulate yourself back in too right? So if you are like don’t get me wrong, you still have your existential crisis day.

12:07.88
katrinamcollier
And thank you for that reminder.

12:13.48
katrinamcollier
Um, yes.

12:17.90
Ruth Penfold_Brown
You know where you’re like u but then you’re like hold on how can I self partner myself better today. What does what does if I am giving Ruth the most love in all the world if she is my ultimate partner and that’s basically how I live like I am my ultimate partner. What do I need today. Do how do I make.

12:23.57
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

12:34.30
katrinamcollier
Um, love that.

12:36.35
Ruth Penfold_Brown
How do I need to cherish myself in today in order to weather the storm that I am in.

12:44.29
katrinamcollier
And you know what I love about that is your your being your ultimate partner makes you self-sufficient. So I take it when you met Mr Brown that he had to be the icing sugar on the top of the well I’m already quite self-sufficient.

12:50.79
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, yeah, yeah, absolutely yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

13:04.35
katrinamcollier
It’s like I I don’t I don’t like oh this sounds awful. You don’t need the man and and I don’t mean that in an awful way I mean it’s like he has to come in as an equal partner. They can’t be any imbalance. They can’t be such a nice place to be isn’t it.

13:10.81
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right? No no, no, no exactly well and I I would say so yes listeners I recently about a year ago I got married but it took a decade of being single and figuring out myself to call in the right.

13:26.61
katrinamcollier
Are.

13:29.52
Ruth Penfold_Brown
The right masculine energy but also the right man who was sufficiently awake and aware within himself in order that we could then embark on this next deeper healing journey together because true to form you tend you generally attract a partner who.

13:40.81
katrinamcollier
Ah.

13:43.32
katrinamcollier
Yes.

13:48.46
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Surfaces elements of unresolved things. So I do think that there is something that you know like there is only there was only so far that I could have gone on my own in my healing journey. There is a beautiful depth in the journey.

14:02.96
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah, yes.

14:05.71
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And no to your point Now you don’t need a partner but my goodness the mirror if you’ve got if you select the right person the mirror that they shine up for you really helps you both grow bigger right? and and both.

14:17.72
katrinamcollier
Um, provide yeah.

14:22.34
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Take up more space in the world than maybe you were because once we are even even when we’re healing if you live alone you kind of you know, like ah things were great but ah.

14:32.55
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yes, well actually this is so true because I’ve realized on this recent trip I had with suingham was I was triggering and of course what I realized is by living on my own I have adapted to not trigger because I avoid situation and it was like.

14:41.36
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, yeah, yes.

14:52.44
katrinamcollier
Ah, that’s really interesting and so but I I love the the way you said as well because I feel yes I always feel like I’ll be healing. There’ll always be something cropping up to heal. It just becomes less and less and easier to do um but I think you’re right and I love the fact you said calling it because I feel I’ll be calling in a man but it’s wanting someone who will.

14:59.88
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.

15:07.12
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, yeah, right? That’s it yeah.

15:11.36
katrinamcollier
Be on that journey with you and I think that’s such a critical part that because he’s going to hold a mirror up to you but he she whoever they you have to be willing to have one held back Otherwise it can’t be a successful partnership.

15:22.21
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Well exactly right? exactly right? and for somebody like me who has this who has this great big beating heart. It would very easy. It would still be easy for my heart being the size. It is to be.

15:34.53
katrinamcollier
Um, ah.

15:38.71
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Have less boundaries in a partnership because it won’t like ah my my thing is service but what I could see as I arrived in this relationship was these elements of what I’m going to call toxic femininity creeping in and that is where we’re giving giving and doing and waiting to be noticed.

15:39.70
katrinamcollier
Um, yes m.

15:52.30
katrinamcollier
Yes.

15:56.97
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And this is what I work with a lot of women with in the workplace right? It’s like um, we’re giving and we’re doing and we’re waiting and and actually whereas he is. He can be way too like so think of it like this if I’m very we he’s very me right? so.

16:00.78
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

16:13.70
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

16:15.78
Ruth Penfold_Brown
So and his me um, forces me to have more boundaries and be like oh okay, no right? Um, and that’s the dance and that’s the learning for us both because just because you’ve realized why you chose something bad before you don’t get to.

16:21.48
katrinamcollier
Good.

16:30.28
katrinamcollier
Um, earth.

16:35.30
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Undo it right until you’re in a conscious partnership where you’re like oh hang on I could ease something in me wants to do this but I’m gonna say oh no like so for me, it’s like something in me is wanting to people please right now. Ah no.

16:35.34
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yes.

16:51.00
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah, exactly do you think that’s why people people.

16:51.32
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Ah, oh that’s not right I need to make sure that I actually say what I feel and this might sound crazy because I can do it in the workplace gotten What you gonna say yeah.

17:02.32
katrinamcollier
Do you think that’s why people people please because I watched your little video about people pleasing I thought I’m so glad you brought it up without me having to bring it up but do you think that’s why people please because they’re not speaking up and asking for what they want. They just keep hoping if they please everyone. They’ll be noticed instead of speaking up and just asking interesting.

17:15.67
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Absolutely Ah, absolutely yes, Well and if we can be yeah well but I mean I think I think.

17:21.58
katrinamcollier
Interesting I do I disagree with people plays as I very much believe in firm boundaries. What not firm they fluctuate be the boundaries boundaries.

17:30.93
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Also though there is a beauty if your predisposition is towards people pleasing no shade because there is a beauty you want to serve right? You have a big heart and you want to serve and you want people to feel good, but what happens when we’re people pleasing is and we don’t know we’re doing it. It’s not conscious. It’s not deliberate but we become a bit like a chameleon and.

17:36.95
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

17:48.65
katrinamcollier
Um, yes, yeah.

17:50.67
Ruth Penfold_Brown
That means that we leave we leave our authentic self behind and then that can be that means that the people that are meeting us aren’t really meeting who we really are and we’re denying right? right? right? right? right? right? And then.

17:59.43
katrinamcollier
So we’re people pleasing and we’re harming ourselves at the same time.

18:07.40
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Maybe picking up resentments about the fact that they’re not noticing that we’ve done all this stuff. Ah.

18:09.66
katrinamcollier
Totally yeah and and and people don’t see who you really are either so that yeah I actually I’m going to ask you about that and being visible So this is a huge step for me I am opening up about everything. All of my spiritual gifts. Everything I’m just.

18:14.22
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Ah, right? yeah.

18:26.91
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Ah, her.

18:28.30
katrinamcollier
Yeah I can’t it’s taken me to 52 but I’m doing it I’m just opening the door. How did you feel because you feel beautifully vocal about your healing journey and your trauma and you know and encouraging other women. How did you feel what made you speak up. What.

18:35.67
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

18:44.88
katrinamcollier
But oh I don’t know how did you just feel so brave big question I know um.

18:45.30
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, do you know I don’t probably a bit like where you are right? There was once you’ve once you if I look at who I was before and what I’ve been able to create for myself in my life after even in the early days

18:59.20
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yes, yeah.

19:05.26
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Ah, ah, knowing how good you’re feeling on the inside I just felt like my goodness if just 1 person reads this post and thinks about something in their world differently then then amazing because.

19:18.20
katrinamcollier
Ah, her.

19:21.38
katrinamcollier
Brilliant. Yeah.

19:23.47
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Because I became aware that that my journey didn’t start from 1 thing it was lots of tiny little tidbits of inspiration that you kind of almost pull in into yourself and then.

19:33.95
katrinamcollier
Yep.

19:37.17
katrinamcollier
New.

19:39.10
Ruth Penfold_Brown
It’s not so you’re not necessarily aware but there’ll be like something that someone says one day and you think hair something that something says maybe a few weeks later and I can literally like I can still tell you those sentences that people said to me that they were just a fly away comment that they didn’t realize had a huge effect right.

19:53.41
katrinamcollier
Huge see That’s the flip side of the damage of words isn’t It’s the power of those words the power of somebody speaking up and saying something to you that they have since forgotten and you’ve gone life changing moment.

19:58.70
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And so.

20:03.10
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right. Right? right? right? right? And so and it it It really does like it really is life changing. So I mean I was I Just it almost felt like it wasn’t a choice but to share don’t get me wrong I was still nervous about like.

20:11.81
katrinamcollier
Powerful I’ve got goose Bumps Goose bumps. Yeah, yeah.

20:26.38
katrinamcollier
Ah.

20:28.14
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Tweeting or writing blogs when I started to do it and every time I did it I’d go like ah I’ve just said something really personal or um, um, freak out a little inside and then but then as people and let’s just be clear listeners I don’t have a huge following on anything.

20:32.30
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

20:47.36
katrinamcollier
M.

20:47.83
Ruth Penfold_Brown
But what I do have is people sliding up into my Dms going that thing that you said that meant everything to me and I will take that any day right? So so yeah I mean it is. It’s sort of like honest.

20:52.33
katrinamcollier
Move. Yeah, yeah I get that I think I think it’s because I’ve I you know I fell over last year in the middle of it speaking a gig right? which I just think is hysterically funny. But I when I was speaking there were these really young girls in the front right? I’ll call them girls because they were probably bit like on their first Job. You know they just seem so young to me and it is that hilarious thing. The older you get the younger they look so they were probably in the early 20 s and they were like deers in.

21:19.68
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

21:31.32
katrinamcollier
Headlights like these big eyes while I was talking and then of course I had the ridiculous fall through the wall which was just so funny and I just thought in that moment. It’s all about how I recover it’s how I get up. It’s how they’re gonna watch me and then I thought like all these women they come up to me and they say you really inspire me and I think it’s like you I just walk my authenticity.

21:40.70
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah.

21:47.33
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, yeah.

21:50.43
katrinamcollier
And it was this. They don’t understand they don’t know I was a mess in my twenty s and thirty s I was so full of self-hatred and I thought I have to speak up I have to start talking because I look back and I know it’s been a twelve year journey for me. It’s been a 10 year journey for you but in a way it’s.

21:56.60
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Righty Yeah, that’s it.

22:08.36
katrinamcollier
It happens alongside other stuff and it’s not that hard I don’t feel at any point I’ve ever like just felt like the world that was falling apart while I was healing. It’s actually quite easy isn’t in a weird way.

22:10.60
Ruth Penfold_Brown
No, no, no, no, that’s it. Yeah no, what? no and I would say I’m at 13 years in rising because I mean my healing will continue to my ah it will continue.

22:22.20
katrinamcollier
Oh sorry I I took some off.

22:28.39
Ruth Penfold_Brown
You all of the rest of my life. Ah.

22:30.68
katrinamcollier
It will I want to be on my I want to be on my deathbed knowing I have thrown all the healing I could possibly throw it myself I want to experience it all totally and would that be the thing that you would say to listeners is just like to start like there’s nothing to be fearful of.

22:35.70
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, yeah, that’s it. That’s it.

22:43.91
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Well so here’s the thing there is probably a very very quiet voice inside you right now that knows that you’re destined for more right? There’s this quiet voice that tells you that something in your life.

22:54.39
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

23:03.18
Ruth Penfold_Brown
You know that you there’s something in your cells that tells you that you are destined to be bigger in some way in this life right? Whether that’s the relationship that you’ve chosen whether that’s like whatever it is like right now we don’t need to solve that right.

23:11.40
katrinamcollier
Ah.

23:13.72
katrinamcollier
No.

23:22.64
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Don’t try to swallow the watermelon hole. You can’t like this process is emergent but just see if you can start to pay a little bit more attention to the signs that are coming from the universe and start to so start to choose just one tiny.

23:24.45
katrinamcollier
Um, no, they can.

23:36.11
katrinamcollier
Okay.

23:41.28
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Thing that brings you closer to yourself So whatever that is you know? maybe you go and try a sound bath and see what that does. Maybe you try you try a yin yoga class and see if you can slow yourself down a little bit. You know, maybe you don’t maybe you go to a power yoga class because honestly, my friends.

23:44.27
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

23:48.76
katrinamcollier
Oh I Love those? yeah.

24:00.70
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I Went in my stillness came through the flames right? So the only thing I could understand was power and strong and move and go and then through that I learned through that practice I learned how to regulate my nervous system.

24:02.19
katrinamcollier
Ah.

24:04.98
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, um, yeah.

24:18.39
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And that was coupled with the work that I was doing with Sarah Williams who was the person that I didn’t actually say her name I must say her name the meditation stillness person and gradually the culmination of hearing from her and learning yoga I was like oh I and.

24:20.44
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.

24:37.77
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Gradually my nervous system became more comfortable in stillness and then I was able to slow down. So don’t expect it to come overnight. It’s not going to come overnight. Everyone’s got a unique emergent healing path. But.

24:38.74
katrinamcollier
Are.

24:47.51
katrinamcollier
Um, it doesn’t lie.

24:53.69
katrinamcollier
Yeah I think you’re so right? it’s that take yeah, take 1 step take just a tiny little baby step. it’s it’s funny you say that and and I I often look at my sister and she won’t she thinks that if we go she’s going to deal with trauma as.

24:55.67
Ruth Penfold_Brown
You know, just start to say yes.

25:01.30
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, yeah.

25:12.21
katrinamcollier
Ripping the bandaid off in Pandora’s box and I’m like it’s not there were those you know the little micro layeryers you get in an onion. You know those like really really thin ones. It’s like that. It’s like peel peel pill pell pell pell pill and eventually go ah there it is and then you peel Pell Pell Pell Pell pill it’s like it takes time because you’ve protected it and protected it and protected it.

25:12.37
Ruth Penfold_Brown
No.

25:21.18
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, yeah, it takes time. Yeah and the brain is really the brain is really smart like sometimes it is obviously it does get in our way. Um, but it.

25:30.46
katrinamcollier
And so there’s no rush. Yeah.

25:38.52
Ruth Penfold_Brown
It almost. It’s like it knows when you’re ready for the thing that you need to look at next. So some stuff will just stay buried until you’ve grown enough within yourself and you’ve developed your resilience toolkit in order to be able to withstand whatever it is that.

25:43.22
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

25:51.55
katrinamcollier
Exactly.

25:57.27
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Your brain is ready to uncover next or your body is a body is wanting to uncover next who knows you know the body The body really does keep the score.

25:57.40
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly yeah, it sounds very much like yeah, it really does and I’ve talked about that because from the trauma that happened to me at 3 that I have no recollection of but my body spits it back out.

26:12.36
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yes.

26:16.80
katrinamcollier
Um, but you’re ah you’re very much beautifully describing that ego and soul relationship aren’t you so well. So what is next I know that you’re kind of edging out of the you know the world I first came across you in which is the same world as mine that ta world tell me about bloom tell me what you’re up to.

26:28.42
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well so Bloom is really the culmination of my life’s work I would say it is um, it started as a so six-week Leadership accelerator for women. Um and it takes. Women on the journey of self-claiming actually so who are you really?? um, learning to love and talk about yourself in a way that truly serves you building your.

26:53.80
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

26:59.56
katrinamcollier
A.

27:01.13
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Executive team around you your own personal executive team building your presence in the workplace bringing your authenticity helping to build a rhythm that truly supports you in your working week and therefore your life. Um.

27:04.95
katrinamcollier
Me. Yeah, oh I Love that.

27:15.38
Ruth Penfold_Brown
But then also looking at how we really evolve as leaders and how we create environments where humans really get to thrive and I say it started out as a leadership accelerator. It still will be that but it is also now um I am about to in the next few weeks open it up as a community space. So.

27:24.34
katrinamcollier
O ah.

27:33.23
katrinamcollier
Oo I’ll have fantastic.

27:34.86
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Um, you know, then it’s it’s the leadership accelerator. But then it’s also the community that runs alongside that. Um, which is a safe space for women to learn and grow and get things wrong right? exactly and I’m not sure I’m not sure when.

27:46.30
katrinamcollier
When cheer each other on are they getting things wrong I think is so important and that’s that’s funny. That’s some of the facade that happens isn’t it with the.

27:54.32
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right.

28:00.34
katrinamcollier
Not being authentic as we feel we can’t make mistakes and actually mistakes are where the learning is going to get the wrongs where the learning is that’s where the growth is. It’s like get it wrong. It’s fine learn from it. Yeah, but that comes with the self-compassion and the self-care. And yeah.

28:00.56
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I’m not sure. Yeah, yeah, exactly Um, and I was back to say I’m not sure when this. When this episode will air. But um, I’m not sure I’m not sure but we’re I’m look I am launching the community in September Twenty three 2023 ah with the first cohort being a community of women in HR.

28:22.29
katrinamcollier
Absolutely no idea either. So thank you for being a great guinea pig. Ah.

28:37.72
Ruth Penfold_Brown
And by that I mean everybody in ah Hr So really, um, you know because in particular for that group. There’s this sort of um, very very difficult place that we find ourselves in because we have all the information within an organization which means that often we’re not.

28:39.38
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, amazing. Ah.

28:50.25
katrinamcollier
Yes.

28:56.14
Ruth Penfold_Brown
We’re not able to champion our own career. We’re not able to get the title that we want the salary that we want to elevate ourselves to to think that we’re so busy focusing on everybody else that we’re not focusing on ourselves and actually how we grow as a leader and there is also a huge business gain.

28:58.60
katrinamcollier
A.

29:09.97
katrinamcollier
Yeah, ah, that’s amazing.

29:15.30
Ruth Penfold_Brown
For us stepping into this because you know when you’ve got the people who are creating the human experience in an organization truly able to bring their authenticity and into the workplace then the whole company wins because then we are we become the fierce.

29:30.64
katrinamcollier
We benefit.

29:34.64
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Fierce lioness is because it’s for women obviously lionesses who are protecting the humans because we love doing that but but we got us protect ourselves first.

29:40.53
katrinamcollier
Ah.

29:43.10
katrinamcollier
Yeah I love that it’s quite a switch from how the world work was when I started out as well. So I love it. Love it. Brilliant if people would like to know more about you? What is the easiest. Obviously you have a website as Miss Wes

29:55.66
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Yeah, yeah, so I mean I would say find me on Linkedin because and don’t just follow me invite me to connect because Mike to my core. Yeah well, but to my core.

30:08.80
katrinamcollier
And explain where you heard about brief. Ah.

30:12.58
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I think Linkedin is unfortunately becoming one of those following platforms I I love it when it’s a connection platform so say hi like let’s whip peers let’s connect right? So connect with me there. But if you want to find out more about bloom. The website is our time to bloom.com

30:16.21
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

30:24.00
katrinamcollier
And.

30:31.98
katrinamcollier
I would love that brilliant and obviously I love following you on Instagram to be fair, my favorite I love it hello yeah I just I just love it I think it’s where you actually see people’s authentic selves. Ah so that’s probably why that’s probably why.

30:34.75
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Ah, oh yeah, Instagram too at Ruth Penfold find me there. Ah.

30:43.16
Ruth Penfold_Brown
I Think so too I Love it. Yeah I Love it.

30:49.98
katrinamcollier
Oh Ruth oh thank you so much I mean what a joy to have this conversation with you and so many similarities in a few a-ha moments so I can’t even begin to imagine how much the audience has learnt. So thank you so much.

30:59.33
Ruth Penfold_Brown
Thank you.