What if you are dealing with a narcissist?

Because they crazy-make!

“Narcissists will destroy your life, erode your self-esteem, and do it with such stealth as to make you feel you are the one that’s letting them down.” – author unknown

Isobel Gatherer called me a narc expert recently and I laughed. A little too hard.

It’s true! My memoir details my journey to heal from narcissistic child abuse by my covert narc mother. But there have been plenty of others including a former vindictive narc team leader, former boyfriends, a former flatmate, my toxic twin flame, and many more.

Types of narcissism include:

• Overt or grandiose narcissist: typically present as being self-important, arrogant, boastful, and extroverted. The stereotype.
• Covert narcissists: are harder to spot as they are quiet, shy, or reserved in nature, especially when they are insecure or upset. They can appear as moody, needy, and brooding types.
• Communal narcissist: appears selfless, generous, and even humble to others. They get their validation by being seen as the most giving and selfless.
• Malignant narcissist: displays traits and tendencies of both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder; one of the most dangerous forms.
• Sexual narcissist: uses charm and flowery speech to seduce you but will only prioritize their sexual needs. Seek constant validation regarding their sexual performance.
• Somatic narcissist: is preoccupied with their physical appearance and competitive about how they look; use their body (or sex) to get what they want.
• Spiritual narcissist: use spirituality to fill their narcissistic supply; believe that their beliefs are superior and may use scripture to manipulate others.
• Cerebral narcissist: hyperfixate on how much smarter they are than others; often use technical and cumbersome terms in normal conversation to prove their superior intellect.
• Vindictive narcissist: is often offended and hurt by boundary-setting from others; will retaliate if you reject them or when you set a boundary or criticize them.

I’ve trimmed these descriptions – please see the full article at Choosing Therapy. They share a lot of great advice!

A narcissist test

Only when I gained complete self-worth and could firmly establish boundaries, did I stop attracting narcs. These days, I spot narcissism quickly and slap up a boundary, but one recently crept in and it feels like a test.

As it’s been fun to flex my you-are-not-doing-that-to-me muscle, I thought I’d share how I spotted it and managed this person, without feeling like I was going crazy.

This situation happened when I paid someone to provide a service and signed a contract detailing what would be delivered, and the service was slow and spotty. Being a service provider myself I have pretty high expectations of delivering on what I promised so I was getting frustrated because this work matters.

The narcissism began to reveal itself through gaslighting, lack of ownership and “but everyone else”.

1. Gaslighting

Therapist Nicole Arzt says, ‘Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse narcissists use to make people question themselves and their realities. Gaslighting can be hard to identify as it can be subtle. For example, a narcissist might deny having said something or tell you you’re overreacting to make it seem like you are the problem.’

I call it crazy making!

For example, when you show a narcissist that they have lied, they will not own it. Instead, they flip it straight back on you with phrases like, ‘Why are you checking up on me?’ or ‘I can’t believe you don’t trust me!’ etc. Whereas a liar will admit to the lie. A big difference!

Receiving ‘I don’t think you understand’ about something that had never been explained to me nor was it detailed in the executed contract stopped me in my tracks. True, I didn’t understand because the something I was meant to understand was so ridiculous, actually deluded, that once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop.

The veil lifted as I saw the grandiosity!

2. Lack of ownership

On its own the lack of ownership didn’t alert me initially, I just found it rather dull. It was subtle through expressions like, ‘I am always in touch’ while my emails were ignored for days, even weeks, but if I called it out, countless excuses were given.

Re-reading emails, I spotted more passing of the buck, being told that either I or someone else was at fault, while evidence surfaced that the work hadn’t been done thoroughly.

3. But everyone else

The confirming tell came when this person said, ‘But everyone else loves this [delusional] process,’ and I thought what a crock of 💩.

To see ‘but everyone else’ in action, watch this fab video:

In the past, I would have fallen for this trick. I would have started doubting myself and my perception of what I know to be real, which is exactly what the narc wants. Instead, I reflected on every conversation and message, looking for more evidence. There were many and they all commenced with, ‘All of my…’

Responding not reacting

I took several days to reply to the email that set me off laughing because I wanted to ensure that I didn’t send any emotion within it. I’ve learned that narcs feed off your emotions whether it’s positive, by feeding their grandiosity, or negative, by showing you’re upset by their lies.

With perfect synchronicity, this advice from Jefferson Fisher appeared in my LinkedIn feed. It was an excellent reminder!! So, I didn’t play the game, and I kept my reply simple while quoting the agreed work in the contract. I decided I didn’t have the energy to flip-the-script and thankfully, I didn’t need to.

Since then, I have ignored the grandiosity and any other fluff, and have been matter-of-fact and emotionless in all correspondence. Importantly, I am not wasting any energy arguing or expressing frustration, and where you’d think that would stop delivery, it hasn’t.

Because, being a narc, they will be trying to impress me to reel me back in and gain another reaction.

One I won’t be delivering.

💛