Should You? Maybe You Shouldn’t. 🤷‍♀️

‘I should exercise more.’

‘I should sleep more’

‘I should…’

Should you?

…or is this someone else’s stuff?

…or is this based on guilt or shame?

The problem with should

As we come up to the should time of the year – should visit the relative you dislike, should buy this when finances are tight, should pretend to be a happy family, should not eat another mince pie, and so on – it feels like a great time to talk about the problem with should statements.

Clinical Social Worker, Clare Rudolph explains, ‘The implicit message of should statements is the opposite of what is said on the surface of the statement. If I say, “I should go to the gym,” the unsaid message is ‘but I’m not.’  “I shouldn’t feel this way”… ‘but I do’, “I should’ve known better”… ‘but I didn’t.’ And so on.

These silent yet primary messages we get from should statements tend to reinforce the idea that we are failing. Should statements set an expectation without clearly defining it nor setting manageable steps to achieving it, which sets us up to fail. When we continually do not meet our expectations, explicit or implicit, we may incur a constant feeling of guilt, or that we have done something bad.’

The conversation I was in, that sparked this article, was laden with the other person’s self-judgement. It felt heavy and I was surprised to hear them speaking negatively; the self-talk was unduly harsh! 

I reminded them of the immense personal and professional change they’d experienced in the last few years. Pointed out everything they were already doing and wondered where all these ‘shoulds’ were supposed to fit into their busy life. I pondered if they were really things they wanted to achieve or expectations placed on them by others.

‘Should you?’ I replied.

Why?

Says who?

What happens if you don’t?

Is it required?

🧐

What do you need?

What are you feeling?

A lightbulb went off.

They wanted time in nature. To walk in the fields. Jump in puddles. Hug a tree. Ground. Reconnect. Breathe.

I left them with homework. Every time your ego says ‘You should…’ reply with ‘Should I?’ and listen to the quiet voice that guides you to the things you would love to do; those things that light you up inside.

Reframing a should

In Clare’s article, The Trouble with ‘Should Statements’ and How to Reframe Them, she suggests 4 ways forward.

1. As I suggested above, ask why. Being curious can lead you to your true values and next steps.
2. Turn it into a goal (if it matches your values). e.g. ‘My goal is to go to the gym more often.’
3. Replace ‘should’ with ‘could’ or ‘would’ can reduce the guilt and self-criticism. e.g. an alternative to ‘I shouldn’t spend so much time on Instagram’ is ‘I could spend less time on Instagram’ or ‘I would like to spend less time on Instagram.’
4. Remove the should to get to the truth. e.g. ‘I shouldn’t feel sad’ becomes ‘I feel sad.’ This acceptance can lead to growth and deeper healing.

Shelving shoulds

There are lots of things I am sure I should do but, as I talk about in my memoir, if something doesn’t fill me with joy, I am skilled at avoiding it. Like my taxes, which I loathe! But the ‘I should do that’ and give myself a goal like, ‘I will get those done because, afterwards, I will feel great that it’s out of the way!’

But I also shelve other people’s shoulds. Wow, if I listened to and implemented some of those, I’d be miserable! So be sure to watch out for it from others too! 😳

What ‘shoulds’ have sprung to mind? Which will you be quitting?

💛