Is it in their interest or self-serving?

How often do we rush in to share our opinions, help, advice or values without due thought?

The first time I became aware of doing something I assumed was correct was in a group coaching session led by Michelle Zelli. I was nearly 40 and oblivious to the impulse behind the behaviour until she pointed it out!

I remember feeling irked. Unsurprising; then I was defensive and emotionally fragile.

But I remember it clearly because it was the start of a seismic and wonderful shift in my perceived reality.

When I hugged, without thought or permission, another participant who was crying as they processed an emotion, Michelle said, “You did that for you. That may not have been what they needed or in their best interest.”

Woah!

WTF

But 💯

I hugged her because it made me feel better! 😳

I hugged her because – realising this as I type – I learned in childhood that my job was to swallow my needs and emotions and put others first. I did what my subconscious had been trained to do; people-please!

What I didn’t do was consider her best interest and what she needed. Perhaps she only wanted an ear. Maybe a Kleenex. I gave her what I needed.

How often have you been told what you should do or received advice or a hug you didn’t want?

It took me years to get to grips with this, and I am quite sure I still get it wrong at times, but I try and let people tell me how I can help or wait until they ask for it. I stopped people-pleasing, too!

Is it possible by jumping in to help, support or protect we stop another from learning?

Is it our place to deny someone their life lessons?

A tale of two trampolines

Gen X

You have probably seen the memes of children playing in the 1970s and 80s. We rode bikes without helmets or lights. Burned our bums on metal slippery slides (not to mention vinyl car seats!). Climbed jungle gyms above concrete ground. And generally got up to all manner of mischief without being trackable. Yet, somehow we survived.

As a child, we had an oblong trampoline which I adored. At some point, my sister put a hole in it, but I didn’t care. It was a metre off the ground, without any form of padding or protection, and I used it often. This is a pic of my neighbour and good friend on it… I just noticed the rusty springs! 😅😆

We learned not to jump where the hole was. We knew not to land on those springs or fall off onto the sun-hardened backyard. We understood doing so would hurt and/or break a bone or two! (To be fair, we also knew not to go rummaging on that compost heap 🕷️ in the background or stick our heads in the incinerator!)

We sure amped up our spatial awareness and understood the consequences of a mis-jump! We knew what was or was not in our best interests!

Gen Z

I’ve never forgotten seeing the trampoline in my sister’s garden, the one she bought for my nephew. I looked at it aghast! Wondering what the hell all the padding and netting were for.

It looked like the image below (that I borrowed from the Internet; not my nephew! LOL).

I thought and probably vocalised, ‘How will he know not to fall off? How will he know that springs hurt?’ Does this actually go against his best interests?

My Gen-Z nephew has become a fine young man; this is in no way a slight on him! My point is by trying to protect children with all this trampoline padding and netting, do we deprive them of learning? (I’m a huge fan of bicycle helmets & lights before you shout me down!)

When I hugged the upset participant, did I take away her opportunity to sit in her emotions and release them? Was my ‘kind’ gesture anything but?

The inspiration behind this piece was an upset friend who is being told by others to do something that is in theirbest interests. It most definitely is not in the best interest of my friend. Their motivation comes from their values and the filter through which they see the scenario but it is not their place.

When asked for my advice, I replied with a question, ‘What do you need to be ok? Because that is what matters here!’

In the majority of scenarios, we have the opportunity to check ourselves before we jump in with unsolicited support, advice, comfort etc. It’s better to take a moment and ponder your motivations.

Because what if it’s not in their best interest to deprive them of the learning?

💛