Ep. 6: The Path To Meeting Myself with Angela Parker

 

Unedited Transcript with Angela Parker

Angela Parker on Beyond The Damage of Words podcast

00:01.90
katrinamcollier
Angela Parker welcome to beyond the damage of words podcast. Thank you so much for joining me and thanks throwing under the bus with the video at the last minute because I’m just shocking like that and ah so I just want to know because this whole podcast is about healing and why you went into it and.

00:10.46
Angela Parker
Plus.

00:18.64
katrinamcollier
What happened how did you take that step into healing what made you was there. A trigger was there a moment Just what led you to start working on your stuff. Ah I’m dreadful I laugh at people they’re talking about their pain and I start laughing which is shocking. Ah.

00:27.32
Angela Parker
That’s what it is funny. My reaction is laughing. Um, it’s you know you still like.

00:35.64
Angela Parker
I Think you know what I do is I think it’s a knowing this I think the laugh is like that My trauma’s like oh we’re going to talk about Drama Thank God because let’s just normalize it bring it into the light I laugh too because I I don’t know if I had a choice I know that we all have a choice.

00:37.61
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

00:45.00
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

00:54.92
Angela Parker
But um, the thing that really tipped me over is I am I’m from Los Angeles California and I started ah an outdoor fitness company when I was 23 and I grew it. Oh god I like yes it was.

01:01.40
katrinamcollier
Ah.

01:07.38
katrinamcollier
Which was about 5 minutes ago ah yes of course you’re welcome ever. Ah.

01:11.82
Angela Parker
Yes, yes, it was. Thank you my favorite podcast ever. Um, and you know I I grew that and it became it became a. Big success I was the first person to create the the outdoor fitness craze in Santa Monica which it’s now known for um I really cultivated a ah ah massive community of people that just love to be outside and exercise and.

01:26.59
katrinamcollier
Um.

01:28.95
katrinamcollier
Amazing.

01:39.65
katrinamcollier
Um.

01:41.90
Angela Parker
I had a 99% return rate at my programs I essentially had no churn. Um, but as the business grew to be more successful I just felt like I was living in a body and I both didn’t have skin and.

01:42.68
katrinamcollier
Wow.

02:00.22
Angela Parker
I I could feel kind of the waves of the world moving through me and I it’s like my work was my identity and yet I had no identity you know like it gave me a sense of yes, it’s like that was my identity but that’s not an identity and not.

02:06.88
katrinamcollier
Oh yeah, yes, masks. Yeah, Facade A really big facade which takes effort to keep up like huge effort to keep Yeah I know.

02:19.34
Angela Parker
That is a shelf life. You know exact? Yes, yes, yes, the facade. What a great fucking word for that? Yes, ah so.

02:31.97
katrinamcollier
And it’s when you realize how exhausting it is when do you drop it and you realize how exhausting it is like why have I been doing that like I’m tired that. Yeah.

02:38.37
Angela Parker
Well, yeah, and I mean but I don’t think you realize it and I think that’s actually where my story goes is I don’t I didn’t realize it so I um I had this moment. They actually keep thinking about lately where i. I wasn’t sleeping I was I had normalized that I had’t somehow normalized that it was okay to wake up at like 4 in the morning and just kind of like go walk because no one was out and I could think and I would walk for hours before four zero in the morning because the world was quiet. My nervous system was so on fire.

02:59.35
katrinamcollier
Um, you went walking at four a M yeah.

03:11.96
Angela Parker
The only time it felt normal to be outside was four o’clock in the morning when at least I could get a little space so looking back there were these clues right? and when I was walking one morning I noticed I had stopped walking and my hands were like this and I thought.

03:15.12
katrinamcollier
Ah.

03:30.57
Angela Parker
And I said at lot I had it’s time to sell a business and it’s almost like I heard someone else say it and I was like what’s but but how can you sell it. It’s who you are ah so I went down that path I sold it I had.

03:33.59
katrinamcollier
Okay.

03:40.60
katrinamcollier
Wow.

03:48.30
Angela Parker
Ah, 48 hours Katrina I felt it guy was on top of the world and by the way, no one tells you how hard it is to sell a company that the tech bros it’s nuts. The tech bros make it seem like it’s simple and it’s straightforward and it’s done in 5 minutes but remember if your company is your life and your identity.

03:53.60
katrinamcollier
Yeah, it’s very hard.

04:07.23
Angela Parker
Then what the hell so the sale was hard 48 hours I thought oh my god I did it I built this thing and I sold it and it was elation and katrina forty 8 hours almost to the minute I had this wave from the top of my head start to move through me.

04:08.35
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

04:21.62
katrinamcollier
O.

04:26.80
Angela Parker
And I thought oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit and as it was moving through me it was the panic of who am I if I don’t have this thing to do so I would not oh it’s just and then you have all this weird shit with success right? like so this was sick.

04:27.40
katrinamcollier
Oh can feel the panic. Yeah I can literally fill out in my heart like it’s it’s it’s going. Oh my god. Yeah.

04:45.86
Angela Parker
So then I heard myself be like so you sold something that was successful Idiot more on what Idiot sells something that’s working So um, because of privilege ah I was able to get a visa and.

04:52.17
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah, um.

05:03.69
Angela Parker
Come spend some time in italy I needed to get away I wanted to get as much distance because the the business kept going the business was thriving. That’s why I was able to sell it and I came to the italian alps and I was going to come for a six month sabbatical and I got on the plane with my partner and we about to take off and I look him and I said you know.

05:09.95
katrinamcollier
Um.

05:23.39
Angela Parker
My intention is to just like I want to meet myself the laughter within within three days I started feeling really sick.

05:30.74
katrinamcollier
In Italy. Um, yeah course.

05:41.97
Angela Parker
And I felt this like ah maybe this is heartburn and it felt like there was a fire start to burn like actually really hurt couldn’t breathe cut out a hard time swallowing every time me ats hurt it started getting worse and worse and over the course of about four weeks I realized I’m now quite sick I lost.

05:49.80
katrinamcollier
Ah, um.

06:00.18
Angela Parker
£25 I’m not a very big person to begin with for yeah, my face probably my brain my soul and I would go to doctors. They couldn’t figure what was wrong I went to ah cat scans and.

06:03.25
katrinamcollier
Ah, from where.

06:17.39
Angela Parker
Ekg’s and people were listening to my heart and no one could figure out what was wrong with me and it felt like a fire from the bottom of my stomach to the back of my throat and I thought I thought that it was over and I started to get more and more sick and there was a moment I was sitting in ah the apartment that we were at the time and I could feel my mind.

06:36.74
Angela Parker
Um I could feel the the tremendous amount of physical pain and I could feel this moment where the brain can kind of walk away from the body and I remember thinking I don’t think that.

06:46.30
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

06:54.70
Angela Parker
You should keep walking in that direction I think I think we need to go back and it scared me because I could sense that I think that’s where the end lives and I found a doctor.

06:56.15
katrinamcollier
And.

07:04.45
katrinamcollier
Who.

07:12.33
Angela Parker
Spend all this time with me and she said I don’t think this is your body I think that it’s your time to look at what’s not working.

07:19.68
katrinamcollier
Yeah, your gut and your heart was screaming at you to be heard and your logic brain was squashing it amazing I’ve just written about that in there.

07:28.97
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, and she’s like could you yeah when what.

07:35.90
katrinamcollier
In the in the book I’ve written about the 3 brains the gut the heart and the head and you’ve just described what happens when we’re ignoring the gut and the heart.

07:43.40
Angela Parker
What I thought was so interesting about it is how much my throat. It’s so symbolic my throat was on fire fire I wasn’t speaking my truth. You know why except it fucking know what it was and this was my moment So like this.

07:46.18
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, you weren’t speaking your truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

08:02.32
Angela Parker
I When I say didn’t know know if I had a choice because I did actually because if I just describe my I felt my soul or my brain I don’t know which one go and I I remember actually this there’s a wave of being like I don’t I think if we keep going I don’t know if we come back.

08:06.44
katrinamcollier
M.

08:17.49
katrinamcollier
Ah.

08:19.44
Angela Parker
And I think and that was essentially the moment that was the choice so I did have a choice and I knew that in that moment the famous phrase from the airport from the airplane. It’s time to meet myself and I remember just.

08:20.92
katrinamcollier
I.

08:29.45
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

08:36.77
Angela Parker
Walking and listening to brine brown and crying and trying to ask myself where is where is the shame where is not the shame I think she’s a better question. Um, and it was then that I just really started to find my truth.

08:39.42
katrinamcollier
Um.

08:55.59
katrinamcollier
Unpack and so did that person you just said did they help you did you go seek help was it what? what was the biggest one that kind of started getting you to really get in sync with yourself really.

08:56.48
Angela Parker
And find myself.

09:03.70
Angela Parker
So this is kind of wild.

09:10.37
Angela Parker
Um, I mean the thing that really changed it one here’s what’s wild just kind of a side note I can’t find that doctor like again like I I couldn’t find her I know where the office is but like they they don’t know if she where she is.

09:27.16
katrinamcollier
Ah, o.

09:30.30
Angela Parker
They don’t really know who I’m talking about and so in my mind and like was this like an angel like what this is too strange. So for what it’s worth so um, just like who is this person.

09:31.98
katrinamcollier
Um, probably yeah I took all about that kind of stuff in the box. Our listeners will be okay to hear that well she was your. A sole teacher came along for a moment gave you some guidance and went on away.

09:50.56
Angela Parker
Yeah I don’t care. It was exactly so the thing that really ah helped me 2 things I made sure that because in this process like I couldn’t have caffeine.

09:57.78
katrinamcollier
Ah.

10:05.63
Angela Parker
I couldn’t have wine I couldn’t have anything to numb I know I know I know it’s back So praise be thank God It’s true. Don’t touch my coffee. Um, but.

10:06.89
katrinamcollier
Ah I would give up everything but caffeine. It’s literally the one thing I refuse to give up ah and.

10:24.69
Angela Parker
I noticed that when I first opened my eyes in the morning I I didn’t hate myself. But when I started the day or the screens or the caffeine. The.

10:25.74
katrinamcollier
Um.

10:34.21
katrinamcollier
Ah.

10:43.31
Angela Parker
The Hum and the buzz of the not enoughness would start to get active enough to force me into doing something with myself and what I put together was that it there is a sacred spot for us in between the time that we become conscious from sleep.

10:50.99
katrinamcollier
Ah.

11:03.11
Angela Parker
And between the time we engage with the world and in that period it is a sacred practice that I have never left for one moment I do not look at a screen until after I’ve done several things I drink water first thing I brush my teeth.

11:09.49
katrinamcollier
M.

11:15.40
katrinamcollier
I mean.

11:21.64
Angela Parker
I Wash my face I change my clothes I walk to a window I look outside I drink water I Still don’t look at a screen now I make coffee God they caught. Um and I just.

11:28.77
katrinamcollier
Ah, thank Goodnessness Hey god.

11:39.38
Angela Parker
And I and I Journal and the combo of journaling you. You cannot walk away from your truth when you journal it’s there. It’s so clear and something happens if you catch that that spot before a screen.

11:45.54
katrinamcollier
So powerful. Um.

11:54.77
katrinamcollier
Yeah, before a screen for you. You pick it up by Habit and start comparing your life to some fake life like its yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, and do so do.

11:57.84
Angela Parker
Before a story. Do you? Journal? yes. Or someone takes your thoughts then then the thoughts are not your own. Do you? What’s your morning like start like you.

12:13.45
katrinamcollier
Do you free writete or do you like Journal in points or is it a gratitude is it A if don’t don’t go the personal personal but you know look is it I love freewriting. For example, when I actually do it which is rare. But I love that just writing random and off I go and keep writing and.

12:22.41
Angela Parker
Um, do you know? what’s yeah, what’s funny is when I first started I would ask myself questions. It was actually how I started journaling It was almost like I would get to the end of the thought and then I would ask.

12:33.20
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, um.

12:40.48
katrinamcollier
I Love that? No oh oh.

12:41.18
Angela Parker
Myself the next question where’s the space. Where’s the healing. What’s possible next. So I do freerite Um, and if there’s times that sometimes it’s just words like words seem to make sense for me.

12:56.91
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

13:00.26
Angela Parker
Single words and it’s actually a great place for folks to start, you can just do a single word but I think that the the thing too that I think is really important for people at start journaling. It’s not about the journal. It’s not about how long you do it.

13:15.26
katrinamcollier
The habit.

13:15.95
Angela Parker
It’s actually just I feel like the act there’s times I grab my journal I open it and my mind kind of journals inside of my head but it’s the practice of sitting.

13:24.48
katrinamcollier
Just fine. Yeah, and it’s also that like almost that feeling of like oh I’m waking up in a warm bed I have food in my fridge. You know I’m I’m I’m safe I’m that appreciation and that gratitude you are you asked about my morning routine I ah to be fair at Stick Changeer by the dog at my feet. Um.

13:32.10
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yeah, just um.

13:42.23
katrinamcollier
So there’s a moment of I have to go outside and take him for a pe and I could know what the neighbors think as I got my dressing gown but whatever. Um, and then I actually I mean I’m I’m not I’m less rigid on the screens but I do have time to sit and eat and have breakfast and he has his breakfast and I just I really ease into my day. I’m a morning person I wake up immediately like there’s none of this setting the alarm 10 times and all that kind of stuff I can’t do that. But I love to spend like an hour and a half before I take him out for a walk and then I take him out for a walk and then I come and sit and start my day and do my work um particularly in out the moment you know finishing writing this book.

14:10.42
Angela Parker
Um, yes, yes, yes.

14:19.80
katrinamcollier
Um, and I’m writing another book as well. A business book and it’s like so I love that routine of go out walk and then come back. So I probably do my journaling when I’m walking in the respective I do a lot of thinking. There’s no E things in my head I’m not listening I’m not distracting myself I just walk.

14:29.81
Angela Parker
Um, yes.

14:32.55
Angela Parker
Oh you don’t listen to anything. Okay, yeah, and how soon from the time you wake up. Do you do it because I find that’s really important. Yeah and they say that if you can get a morning sunlight in your eyes within the first is it hour hou hour hou hour and a half.

14:37.69
katrinamcollier
And and we know we have our roots and I listen an hour

14:48.61
katrinamcollier
Oh.

14:52.10
Angela Parker
It’s at least hour and a half affects your circadian rhythm for the rest of the day and I truly think it’s I really believe in it. Yeah I I that could be yes, yeah.

14:54.75
katrinamcollier
Did you know I live in London we are having the worst summer as is the whole of Northern Europe I hastened to add I was in Berlin last week it was thy bad. You know it’s it’s the whole. Yeah Southern Europe really wants our weather right now. But yeah, so what happened next.

15:12.87
Angela Parker
A.

15:14.10
katrinamcollier
So did you did you feel it doesn’t sound like you and you started working yourself. You felt any trepidation. It’s almost like you got like pushed into it because your body just went.

15:21.49
Angela Parker
No, but I mean I in a way I had been doing this work for so long. This was the work I had done before this was preparing me to go to this level and I think when I hear a lot of people talk about healing.

15:34.98
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

15:40.53
Angela Parker
We’re constantly like getting into the deeper deeper deeper parts and this is the thing I I think it’s actually a time to celebrate when we drop into something or we feel like shit. There’s a whole nother dimension to this.

15:44.73
katrinamcollier
Ah.

15:50.53
katrinamcollier
Um.

15:56.24
Angela Parker
In a way I celebrate it because it means I’m ready it means that I was fortified enough to actually look at my shit.

15:58.79
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, and yeah, fortified enough to look at your shirt is exactly exactly the thing it does take some braveness and some resilience and some. But I actually think the hardest part is just taking the first step just stopping and going like you did you actually stopped at four zero am or whatever it was it and went that was your moment and it’s just like this is why I just have to get this book out. It’s just this take a step like just.

16:20.73
Angela Parker
A. Um, yeah, yeah.

16:34.46
Angela Parker
Yes.

16:35.36
katrinamcollier
Realize you just can’ you don’t have to stay in the phase you in but you’re right I mean you start and you just go layers and layers and as and layers. Um I I think it’s how different do you feel like now that you.

16:42.41
Angela Parker
Yes, yes oh my God Um I mean what’s wild is that the phases for me were just ah, it started in such a deep grief I mean I got sent to the depths of this I was fighting for my life I was.

16:55.30
katrinamcollier
And her.

17:00.12
Angela Parker
I Couldn’t do I couldn’t do anything to to numb I couldn’t do anything so I was forced to stay in it and feel the feelings and and what I teach often and I say to people as I say am I for me I don’t think any of us can heal. Unless we’re willing to have enough courage to stay in the discomfort until we feel like it’s going to burn us up from the inside and we stay for one breath longer than the time before that’s it just one breath and over time the willingness to so.

17:23.58
katrinamcollier
Ah.

17:28.22
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

17:38.30
Angela Parker
Stay in that part because that the moment that you will not heal. There is a very specific moment is the moment you want to zip yourself out of it and all you want to do you don’t have to stay for 20 minutes just one one breath longer than before and so I started doing that and then I first I healed.

17:46.36
katrinamcollier
Um, one more breath. Yeah.

17:56.33
Angela Parker
My body and then I healed my heart and then the cool part is I started to heal my thoughts and that’s where the intersection of my experience of my trauma and my healing my journey with that you had ah I had a business right.

18:00.19
katrinamcollier
M.

18:07.60
katrinamcollier
M.

18:12.84
Angela Parker
Overidentifieded with my body I over identify with performing. My body was ah was a conversation piece. That’s a whole thing to unpack and all I wanted to be seen as was a brilliant entrepreneur but that’s not what the world saw me as and.

18:23.44
katrinamcollier
Ah, ah.

18:32.22
Angela Parker
Someone who had the courage to move a million miles away from where I was and take my healing story and it wasn’t until I grabbed all of these values that I had collected through this healing journey and brought them together and saw that I could not only create something that had more impact than my first company.

18:33.48
katrinamcollier
M.

18:41.11
katrinamcollier
No.

18:49.58
katrinamcollier
M.

18:52.16
Angela Parker
Because there’s a lot of thoughts that you’ll never do it again. You only had a great idea once and I noticed that my healing and my thoughts about my value in the world. Once those were fully integrated and I brought that into my work. It was like everything just.

19:04.37
katrinamcollier
Ah changed and did you find the source of those words because they’re not your words are they I mean you don’t have to say who because that’s quite personal but I assume somebody planted those thoughts that made you feel like you weren’t.

19:11.54
Angela Parker
Flew open.

19:20.64
Angela Parker
Um, what words.

19:23.55
katrinamcollier
Good enough or worth enough or you know even when you said oh my God I’ve sold my business. What are you doing you know and it’s like I feel like somebody said that to you and you’ve taken that as you know what? I mean like we take This is why it’s called the damage of words because it’s the book that is as opposed to this but it’s you.

19:26.27
Angela Parker
Oh yes.

19:35.38
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, oh yeah, yes, yes, and our stories and I mean.

19:41.80
katrinamcollier
We take these words and we take them on as our own and they’re not necessarily our words. It’s a t-shirt. It’s an uncle. It’s a priest it’s it could be anybody. It’s like it doesn’t have to be family like it.

19:51.47
Angela Parker
The brilliance of your title and the brilliance of the language and this gift that you’re bringing to the world. The world of the damage of words is that it is so succinct and it represents so much layered trauma.

20:04.84
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

20:10.58
Angela Parker
The damage of words for me was that my body was a conversation. My body was meant to be a dialogue. My body was something that people felt like could be objectified and I absorbed those messages and I noticed that.

20:12.58
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

20:23.71
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

20:29.74
Angela Parker
If that’s where my value is I don’t want to get kicked out of the tribe I want to be included if the world is reflecting. This is my strongest strength and fucking Damn it I better lean into it. So I then brought that message back to myself as if it was truth My value was clearly associated with what I looked like.

20:44.47
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

20:49.62
Angela Parker
How hard my body could perform how fit I could be and how easy I should make everything look.

20:53.80
katrinamcollier
Which is totally not sustainable like so when you started looking at the that that last I mean did you have help was it the a technique or other or did you do this all on your own.

20:58.60
Angela Parker
A hundred percent not sustainable.

21:10.15
Angela Parker
Most of it was done on my own but well, you’re we play in the same heart space. So this will make sense I moved to this area because.

21:24.26
katrinamcollier
M.

21:24.32
Angela Parker
I was meant to move to this area when we were trying to secure a lease which you have to have for even a short term visa we needed it. We kind of knew we wanted to be in this region. We had friends in the northern part of Italy. Yeah yeah, I’m in the north. Yeah, and it’s so beautiful. You have to come come.

21:35.20
katrinamcollier
You’re still in Italy right? Yeah, yeah, lovely. It’s beautiful I Hope yeah we do a book party. Ah.

21:43.30
Angela Parker
Live podcast. We’ll do a book party. Um, that’ll be amazing. Um, and we needed a place to stay couldn’t find when it was getting late. Our friends said come with me. We found this cute little play. Oh this is great. It’s fine in the morning when I open the windows.

21:59.20
katrinamcollier
M.

22:02.62
Angela Parker
Looked out at the mountain and every part of me this was before this is before my healing Journey Katrina’s before my body was like this is where you’re supposed to be so as part of this healing journey. The question is did I do it alone.

22:06.91
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah yeah.

22:20.73
Angela Parker
Sounds Okay, good. But I did it that I did with the mountain I I did it through healing and I did it through wiser people than me I was listening I was consuming more um more information than I could even ever begin to imagine.

22:22.35
katrinamcollier
Normal to me. Ah.

22:28.58
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, um.

22:40.13
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

22:40.49
Angela Parker
Tons of Terra Brock tons of Jack Cornfield Tons of Rene Brown um just consuming so much wisdom from folks that had walked ahead of me and then eventually I found a coach and that’s really what opened my career path to introduce things through the coaching lens.

22:48.10
katrinamcollier
Um.

22:53.39
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, and I would um I totally got what you mean mansit tree. But it’s where your soul’s happy. So you’ve probably had countless lives in Northern Italy before I feel at peace and.

23:06.46
Angela Parker
Um, this I know for sure. Um, really.

23:08.39
katrinamcollier
In London even though it’s quite heavy energy which is quite strange for someone like me, you know? Yeah, um because it very spiritual and I’m an impass you know I can feel the heavy energy but my soul’s so happy here because I’ve had so many lives here. So it’s like literally the plane comes into land and like every time and I’ve always felt like that. Even though I was born in Sydney. Yeah.

23:25.12
Angela Parker
Um, really Wow Yes, yes I Love that.

23:28.36
katrinamcollier
So to me, it’s like you get drawn to your place where yeah your soul place. Um, ah you know and others can Pooh-pooh It has been scientifically proven. So um, but it’s that’s probably what it is and there’s that healing that you’re seeing straight out the window there.

23:43.96
Angela Parker
Yeah, yeah, what’s actually a really interesting mountain. Apparently there’s like flowers here that aren’t anywhere else in the world and also there’s a bunch of witches like there’s some witch stories here about witches.

23:45.62
katrinamcollier
It’s probably and and you’re probably on it. You’ve probably have you looked at the lines you could be well be on a line.

23:55.21
katrinamcollier
Ah, what they go you you probably on ah a leg line or whatever they’re called. You’re probably on a line. It’s worth finding. You get totally totally. That’s yeah yeah.

23:59.34
Angela Parker
I Know these are my people you know witches and like blue flowers. Okay I’m gonna find we’re gonna find out. And I think it’s real I Do my retreats here I do my retreats in the villa that I stayed at for this whole experience and everyone says the same thing. Okay, well we’ll have to look into this thing about the lines I need to know? Yeah yeah.

24:16.62
katrinamcollier
Ah, totally tell us about your traits because obviously you’ve now gone on to help and obviously we met through workshop a master and we’re taking I think we’re some one of the few that aren’t doing facilitation in product. Um, or in tech where like I’m using it in recruitment. You’re using it for your healing.

24:29.40
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, so um I do rich I mean how do I not do it.

24:32.35
katrinamcollier
But tell us about the retreats. What how did that start or what was so amazing about doing them are yeah.

24:40.78
Angela Parker
Like I this this place changed me. Um, so I what I do now for work is I work with founders leaders and entrepreneurs globally, especially during the pandemic. We did so much so much together time. Um and I wanted to make a retreat.

24:45.51
katrinamcollier
Oh yeah.

24:57.92
Angela Parker
Give people a taste of what it’s like to be in a place that feels so safe and so like ah just a little hug like a safe little hug where you don’t worry about things here I don’t you don’t look over your shoulder. You don’t There’s just a.

24:59.73
katrinamcollier
Safe.

25:05.38
katrinamcollier
M.

25:12.11
katrinamcollier
Ah.

25:16.67
Angela Parker
As someone who has trauma in her body and in her life. My nervous system was always vigilant and to come and be in a place where I don’t have to maintain vigilance for anything when you walk into a restaurant when you walk to get a coffee.

25:23.87
katrinamcollier
Ah, ah.

25:30.59
katrinamcollier
Ah.

25:36.24
Angela Parker
I started to be able to put down all of these hyper vigilant traits big and small and it really shifted so I wanted to create retreats for people to come stay in a beautiful villa connect with great people and do the things that created a lot of healing inside of me we do hikes. We go to the Lake We listen to the church bells.

25:39.26
katrinamcollier
M.

25:55.49
katrinamcollier
Um.

25:55.92
Angela Parker
Do a ton of coaching and just create the space I Think that’s the most important thing I think that’s what your book is giving people the chance to do is create the space to take that step you know and to take the space to realize like the damage of words is real. This is a real thing.

25:57.95
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

26:04.40
katrinamcollier
Yeah, and just do o Yeah I mean I Always think about sticks and stones and it’s like what a load of shit you know. I Mean just a lot of shit I channeled some stuff this morning and it was just all around like the sting of the words and how long it has taken me to release those out of my body and now I use them like now I use them to create beauty in this podcast like being beyond like what is beyond when you get past when you get out of gongoosebumps.

26:27.67
Angela Parker
Yes.

26:39.28
katrinamcollier
Out the other side and in your light and like what you’re creating is that space for someone to feel the feels. It’s okay, like can we get back to gut heart up to head and and stop being told that it’s not okay to like that we have to put up these facades. We don’t We can just.

26:51.10
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yes, yes, we have to.

26:57.93
katrinamcollier
We can spend some time on ourselves and we have to if we want to be you know the best version of ourselves and I mean genuinely not the cliche that you just yeah, it’s so worth it.

27:06.39
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, the thing I always tell my clients is we have to be willing to bring it into the light. We don’t have to know what to do with it by the way I Really want people to know that we just need to grab it and be like ah okay.

27:12.58
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah I don’t want that anymore.

27:23.25
Angela Parker
It kind of. We just have to be willing to pull it out of the shadow and bring it just a little bit closer. You don’t have to know what to do? You don’t have to make a plan because your brilliant body will figure it out. You just have to be willing to bring it into the light.

27:37.60
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah, and it it could just be okay I’m done with you. Thank you I Forgive you be gone. You know it could be as simple as that I’ve been jumping around like a huligan wiping stuff off me I mean whatever like yeah.

27:45.90
Angela Parker
Yes I see you. Here.

27:53.98
katrinamcollier
And I just think it’s it is funny I so I was actually so so children it was on a screen now feel bad. Um, but I did see something early and it was talking about Actually the healing bit isn’t so hard. But it’s the being. It’s it’s almost like the actual do you know what? I mean like the pulling into the light bit once you get used to and you start It’s actually.

28:12.97
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yes, yes.

28:14.00
katrinamcollier
It’s the getting started. That’s hard be feeling safe like finding that safe space is probably hard. But once you start and you realize you get lighter and lighter and lighter and I’m sure you just feel so light now as you said you’re not on hypervigilance Now you relax such a great space. Ah.

28:21.96
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yes, yes, but you know what? why that is is that the nervous system understands truth and something that’s false and when we are.

28:33.53
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

28:39.40
Angela Parker
Willing to bring things into the light. Our nervous system is like well thank God we’re going to acknowledge this because hiding it was really stressing me out. It’s exhausting and that’s why the continued process does.

28:41.38
katrinamcollier
Yeah, exhausting.

28:52.42
katrinamcollier
Yeah, just a month. What’s next yeah and I’ve I’ve just done like I’ve done 12 years of work and it’s gone like that. It’s gone really fast, but it is 12 years and I’ve just kept going and going and still stuff bubbles up and you know I still have a little scar so I can still trigger and it’s like.

28:53.43
Angela Parker
Truly get easier is your nervous system is like great. Let’s let it go that was not so hard last time. Yeah, um, yeah.

29:08.98
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

29:12.80
katrinamcollier
Woo Just triggered what’s that all about. But I realized like and then I release that and I think you know I forgive it and off it goes and you know you just keep going until you’re like floating I’m not quite floating but it feels like it. But it’s just it’s ah such a nice place to come to the world from instead of full of the the victim mode you get to the victim mode.

29:15.36
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

29:19.59
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

29:22.78
Angela Parker
Yeah.

29:31.60
Angela Parker
Yeah, can I ask you a question when you wrote your book when you wrote your book I mean it must be really interesting to to bring these things forward. Were you bringing them forward from a place of I have completely.

29:31.87
katrinamcollier
Such a nice space. Oh you may? yeah.

29:43.98
katrinamcollier
Um.

29:47.75
Angela Parker
Worked through that or were there moments that you were working through it as you were bringing it forward.

29:48.66
katrinamcollier
And yeah, so I I done all the work to forgive my mother for her narcissistic of abuse abuse forgive my father for the enabler. All this sort of stuff but I’ve been working with a woman called Isabelle Gatherer who I write about and we realized. That I hadn’t actually forgiven my father for a few things because my father didn’t protect me and she so asked me something I went and she went well, you know if you’re going to be famous and it be some big stages about this. You know this is.

30:10.84
Angela Parker
Are.

30:23.48
katrinamcollier
Because we have this feeling this book is just going to be really powerful I don’t know why we just have this feeling she goes I don’t think you can really talk about healing if you still feel quite angry to your father. Do you think we should look like and it was like so my father passed last year and one of the big problems was I couldn’t talk to my dad because I didn’t have a clear path of communication to him.

30:27.79
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

30:36.17
Angela Parker
K.

30:43.23
katrinamcollier
Um, they shared an email account they shared when they had social social accounts if I called and she was in the background dad wouldn’t speak properly and it was just like I just gave up I stopped calling I stopped emailing I just because I’d get her answering and it would be horrible viciousness. So I’ve now chatted with him.

30:53.35
Angela Parker
Um, and yeah.

31:02.34
katrinamcollier
Um I am Claire audience. So I’ve always had the gift I just have had it hidden in the closet and I’m coming out. Um and I so had a really fantastic conversation with him and I now understand and he took me to his own trauma he took me to feel what he felt as a child.

31:17.97
Angela Parker
To please.

31:19.32
katrinamcollier
And then to feel the beginning of the marriage from all from his point of view and it was like okay now I fully get why you could not protect us like you just he he just couldn’t mentally protect us his childhood was brutal and then you know he and mum were at each other’s throats so it was just yeah and it.

31:31.75
Angela Parker
Um.

31:38.96
katrinamcollier
So that’s really helped um other people have been like oh you must have got really upset. No I haven’t strangely no I haven’t There’s been a few moments but no I just need it out of my body onto paper and into your hands. It’s just like this is my gift to the world I have to go heal people.

31:45.93
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.

31:57.90
katrinamcollier
I’m goingnna I’m going to share everything literally everything and you know some people will be like really because they know me from my recruitment professional world and they won’t believe that I’m Claire cognizant or I’m clear audience and all these kind of strange gifts that I have and that’s fine. Um, but it’s just time that I was really open.

32:12.99
Angela Parker
But you’re a whole person.

32:15.96
katrinamcollier
Um, a whole person and that is and it was funny. Um, my friend claire. She said you she could be cautious and I went up I’m so what? and and it was because she said you hide that that incredibly special part of yourself. You only share that to a few people and she said you have to tell more people I love her I Love her.

32:30.58
Angela Parker
We like her we like this friend real friends bring your bring your magic into the light. Yeah, oh yeah, so.

32:35.75
katrinamcollier
Real friend. Yeah, they’re like just get in the light woman and just you know and that’s where I’m at so but it’s taken. Yeah, it’s taken 12 years so that’s why it’s coming to the world. Um I know thank you I know that was a little bit tough there in the middle I felt that so thank you.

32:48.49
Angela Parker
Excited for it.

32:53.10
Angela Parker
Who.

32:54.68
katrinamcollier
If people want to get in contact with you. They want to know about your retreats website Linkedin what’s your favorite way for people I know it’s so easy when you do that.

33:00.80
Angela Parker
Yes, it’s very easy folks can go to my website. It’s angelaparker.com you can find everything there my speaking my retreats everything. Yeah.

33:10.46
katrinamcollier
Ah I ended up doing the katrinacollier.com was like why didn’t I do this years ago. Why did I start with different names just be me I’m just I’m only ever gonna be me. It’s like yeah, it’s great and like you can find me. Yeah, oh that’s amazing. Um, thank you.

33:16.15
Angela Parker
It Ah I don’t Ah, yeah, exactly? Yeah yeah I have a question are you going to do an audio version of your book.

33:30.90
katrinamcollier
Oh 1 sec sorry sorry I just could feel um, yes, sure for sure. Sorry as a choke right at the end and I’m so unediting this it will probably go out with my choke in it.

33:34.90
Angela Parker
Yes, Okay, good. Great. Great! yay.

33:45.70
katrinamcollier
Um, I am absolutely doing an audio version of this one I I’m not yeah.

33:47.26
Angela Parker
Okay, good because I want to hear I want to hear you bring this forward.

33:52.96
katrinamcollier
Yeah, and I think because it will help as well because people who will read. It won’t necessarily have done any work. So if they hear it with me talking from the light and the the love and the compassion that I feel for my family even through the trauma.

34:04.56
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

34:09.38
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

34:11.59
katrinamcollier
I Think that will help them be able to read it to see that you can get to that point where you no longer feel I I don’t feel any resentment towards my mom for what she did I see the gift in it. So.

34:14.60
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

34:19.97
Angela Parker
Yeah, but also it’s so impactful for people who have done tons of healing work to have a guide and to feel and to hear the the alignment and the encouragement for us to do the same so your book is a gift. Thank you so much for right now.

34:26.80
katrinamcollier
And. Yeah, yeah, oh no, thank you? I really appreciate you doing this? Thank you so much. Angela thank you.

34:42.73
Angela Parker
It’s an honor.

 

00:01.90
katrinamcollier
Angela Parker welcome to beyond the damage of words podcast. Thank you so much for joining me and thanks throwing under the bus with the video at the last minute because I’m just shocking like that and ah so I just want to know because this whole podcast is about healing and why you went into it and.

00:10.46
Angela Parker
Plus.

00:18.64
katrinamcollier
What happened how did you take that step into healing what made you was there. A trigger was there a moment Just what led you to start working on your stuff. Ah I’m dreadful I laugh at people they’re talking about their pain and I start laughing which is shocking. Ah.

00:27.32
Angela Parker
That’s what it is funny. My reaction is laughing. Um, it’s you know you still like.

00:35.64
Angela Parker
I Think you know what I do is I think it’s a knowing this I think the laugh is like that My trauma’s like oh we’re going to talk about Drama Thank God because let’s just normalize it bring it into the light I laugh too because I I don’t know if I had a choice I know that we all have a choice.

00:37.61
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

00:45.00
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

00:54.92
Angela Parker
But um, the thing that really tipped me over is I am I’m from Los Angeles California and I started ah an outdoor fitness company when I was 23 and I grew it. Oh god I like yes it was.

01:01.40
katrinamcollier
Ah.

01:07.38
katrinamcollier
Which was about 5 minutes ago ah yes of course you’re welcome ever. Ah.

01:11.82
Angela Parker
Yes, yes, it was. Thank you my favorite podcast ever. Um, and you know I I grew that and it became it became a. Big success I was the first person to create the the outdoor fitness craze in Santa Monica which it’s now known for um I really cultivated a ah ah massive community of people that just love to be outside and exercise and.

01:26.59
katrinamcollier
Um.

01:28.95
katrinamcollier
Amazing.

01:39.65
katrinamcollier
Um.

01:41.90
Angela Parker
I had a 99% return rate at my programs I essentially had no churn. Um, but as the business grew to be more successful I just felt like I was living in a body and I both didn’t have skin and.

01:42.68
katrinamcollier
Wow.

02:00.22
Angela Parker
I I could feel kind of the waves of the world moving through me and I it’s like my work was my identity and yet I had no identity you know like it gave me a sense of yes, it’s like that was my identity but that’s not an identity and not.

02:06.88
katrinamcollier
Oh yeah, yes, masks. Yeah, Facade A really big facade which takes effort to keep up like huge effort to keep Yeah I know.

02:19.34
Angela Parker
That is a shelf life. You know exact? Yes, yes, yes, the facade. What a great fucking word for that? Yes, ah so.

02:31.97
katrinamcollier
And it’s when you realize how exhausting it is when do you drop it and you realize how exhausting it is like why have I been doing that like I’m tired that. Yeah.

02:38.37
Angela Parker
Well, yeah, and I mean but I don’t think you realize it and I think that’s actually where my story goes is I don’t I didn’t realize it so I um I had this moment. They actually keep thinking about lately where i. I wasn’t sleeping I was I had normalized that I had’t somehow normalized that it was okay to wake up at like 4 in the morning and just kind of like go walk because no one was out and I could think and I would walk for hours before four zero in the morning because the world was quiet. My nervous system was so on fire.

02:59.35
katrinamcollier
Um, you went walking at four a M yeah.

03:11.96
Angela Parker
The only time it felt normal to be outside was four o’clock in the morning when at least I could get a little space so looking back there were these clues right? and when I was walking one morning I noticed I had stopped walking and my hands were like this and I thought.

03:15.12
katrinamcollier
Ah.

03:30.57
Angela Parker
And I said at lot I had it’s time to sell a business and it’s almost like I heard someone else say it and I was like what’s but but how can you sell it. It’s who you are ah so I went down that path I sold it I had.

03:33.59
katrinamcollier
Okay.

03:40.60
katrinamcollier
Wow.

03:48.30
Angela Parker
Ah, 48 hours Katrina I felt it guy was on top of the world and by the way, no one tells you how hard it is to sell a company that the tech bros it’s nuts. The tech bros make it seem like it’s simple and it’s straightforward and it’s done in 5 minutes but remember if your company is your life and your identity.

03:53.60
katrinamcollier
Yeah, it’s very hard.

04:07.23
Angela Parker
Then what the hell so the sale was hard 48 hours I thought oh my god I did it I built this thing and I sold it and it was elation and katrina forty 8 hours almost to the minute I had this wave from the top of my head start to move through me.

04:08.35
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

04:21.62
katrinamcollier
O.

04:26.80
Angela Parker
And I thought oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit and as it was moving through me it was the panic of who am I if I don’t have this thing to do so I would not oh it’s just and then you have all this weird shit with success right? like so this was sick.

04:27.40
katrinamcollier
Oh can feel the panic. Yeah I can literally fill out in my heart like it’s it’s it’s going. Oh my god. Yeah.

04:45.86
Angela Parker
So then I heard myself be like so you sold something that was successful Idiot more on what Idiot sells something that’s working So um, because of privilege ah I was able to get a visa and.

04:52.17
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah, um.

05:03.69
Angela Parker
Come spend some time in italy I needed to get away I wanted to get as much distance because the the business kept going the business was thriving. That’s why I was able to sell it and I came to the italian alps and I was going to come for a six month sabbatical and I got on the plane with my partner and we about to take off and I look him and I said you know.

05:09.95
katrinamcollier
Um.

05:23.39
Angela Parker
My intention is to just like I want to meet myself the laughter within within three days I started feeling really sick.

05:30.74
katrinamcollier
In Italy. Um, yeah course.

05:41.97
Angela Parker
And I felt this like ah maybe this is heartburn and it felt like there was a fire start to burn like actually really hurt couldn’t breathe cut out a hard time swallowing every time me ats hurt it started getting worse and worse and over the course of about four weeks I realized I’m now quite sick I lost.

05:49.80
katrinamcollier
Ah, um.

06:00.18
Angela Parker
£25 I’m not a very big person to begin with for yeah, my face probably my brain my soul and I would go to doctors. They couldn’t figure what was wrong I went to ah cat scans and.

06:03.25
katrinamcollier
Ah, from where.

06:17.39
Angela Parker
Ekg’s and people were listening to my heart and no one could figure out what was wrong with me and it felt like a fire from the bottom of my stomach to the back of my throat and I thought I thought that it was over and I started to get more and more sick and there was a moment I was sitting in ah the apartment that we were at the time and I could feel my mind.

06:36.74
Angela Parker
Um I could feel the the tremendous amount of physical pain and I could feel this moment where the brain can kind of walk away from the body and I remember thinking I don’t think that.

06:46.30
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

06:54.70
Angela Parker
You should keep walking in that direction I think I think we need to go back and it scared me because I could sense that I think that’s where the end lives and I found a doctor.

06:56.15
katrinamcollier
And.

07:04.45
katrinamcollier
Who.

07:12.33
Angela Parker
Spend all this time with me and she said I don’t think this is your body I think that it’s your time to look at what’s not working.

07:19.68
katrinamcollier
Yeah, your gut and your heart was screaming at you to be heard and your logic brain was squashing it amazing I’ve just written about that in there.

07:28.97
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, and she’s like could you yeah when what.

07:35.90
katrinamcollier
In the in the book I’ve written about the 3 brains the gut the heart and the head and you’ve just described what happens when we’re ignoring the gut and the heart.

07:43.40
Angela Parker
What I thought was so interesting about it is how much my throat. It’s so symbolic my throat was on fire fire I wasn’t speaking my truth. You know why except it fucking know what it was and this was my moment So like this.

07:46.18
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, you weren’t speaking your truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

08:02.32
Angela Parker
I When I say didn’t know know if I had a choice because I did actually because if I just describe my I felt my soul or my brain I don’t know which one go and I I remember actually this there’s a wave of being like I don’t I think if we keep going I don’t know if we come back.

08:06.44
katrinamcollier
M.

08:17.49
katrinamcollier
Ah.

08:19.44
Angela Parker
And I think and that was essentially the moment that was the choice so I did have a choice and I knew that in that moment the famous phrase from the airport from the airplane. It’s time to meet myself and I remember just.

08:20.92
katrinamcollier
I.

08:29.45
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

08:36.77
Angela Parker
Walking and listening to brine brown and crying and trying to ask myself where is where is the shame where is not the shame I think she’s a better question. Um, and it was then that I just really started to find my truth.

08:39.42
katrinamcollier
Um.

08:55.59
katrinamcollier
Unpack and so did that person you just said did they help you did you go seek help was it what? what was the biggest one that kind of started getting you to really get in sync with yourself really.

08:56.48
Angela Parker
And find myself.

09:03.70
Angela Parker
So this is kind of wild.

09:10.37
Angela Parker
Um, I mean the thing that really changed it one here’s what’s wild just kind of a side note I can’t find that doctor like again like I I couldn’t find her I know where the office is but like they they don’t know if she where she is.

09:27.16
katrinamcollier
Ah, o.

09:30.30
Angela Parker
They don’t really know who I’m talking about and so in my mind and like was this like an angel like what this is too strange. So for what it’s worth so um, just like who is this person.

09:31.98
katrinamcollier
Um, probably yeah I took all about that kind of stuff in the box. Our listeners will be okay to hear that well she was your. A sole teacher came along for a moment gave you some guidance and went on away.

09:50.56
Angela Parker
Yeah I don’t care. It was exactly so the thing that really ah helped me 2 things I made sure that because in this process like I couldn’t have caffeine.

09:57.78
katrinamcollier
Ah.

10:05.63
Angela Parker
I couldn’t have wine I couldn’t have anything to numb I know I know I know it’s back So praise be thank God It’s true. Don’t touch my coffee. Um, but.

10:06.89
katrinamcollier
Ah I would give up everything but caffeine. It’s literally the one thing I refuse to give up ah and.

10:24.69
Angela Parker
I noticed that when I first opened my eyes in the morning I I didn’t hate myself. But when I started the day or the screens or the caffeine. The.

10:25.74
katrinamcollier
Um.

10:34.21
katrinamcollier
Ah.

10:43.31
Angela Parker
The Hum and the buzz of the not enoughness would start to get active enough to force me into doing something with myself and what I put together was that it there is a sacred spot for us in between the time that we become conscious from sleep.

10:50.99
katrinamcollier
Ah.

11:03.11
Angela Parker
And between the time we engage with the world and in that period it is a sacred practice that I have never left for one moment I do not look at a screen until after I’ve done several things I drink water first thing I brush my teeth.

11:09.49
katrinamcollier
M.

11:15.40
katrinamcollier
I mean.

11:21.64
Angela Parker
I Wash my face I change my clothes I walk to a window I look outside I drink water I Still don’t look at a screen now I make coffee God they caught. Um and I just.

11:28.77
katrinamcollier
Ah, thank Goodnessness Hey god.

11:39.38
Angela Parker
And I and I Journal and the combo of journaling you. You cannot walk away from your truth when you journal it’s there. It’s so clear and something happens if you catch that that spot before a screen.

11:45.54
katrinamcollier
So powerful. Um.

11:54.77
katrinamcollier
Yeah, before a screen for you. You pick it up by Habit and start comparing your life to some fake life like its yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, and do so do.

11:57.84
Angela Parker
Before a story. Do you? Journal? yes. Or someone takes your thoughts then then the thoughts are not your own. Do you? What’s your morning like start like you.

12:13.45
katrinamcollier
Do you free writete or do you like Journal in points or is it a gratitude is it A if don’t don’t go the personal personal but you know look is it I love freewriting. For example, when I actually do it which is rare. But I love that just writing random and off I go and keep writing and.

12:22.41
Angela Parker
Um, do you know? what’s yeah, what’s funny is when I first started I would ask myself questions. It was actually how I started journaling It was almost like I would get to the end of the thought and then I would ask.

12:33.20
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, um.

12:40.48
katrinamcollier
I Love that? No oh oh.

12:41.18
Angela Parker
Myself the next question where’s the space. Where’s the healing. What’s possible next. So I do freerite Um, and if there’s times that sometimes it’s just words like words seem to make sense for me.

12:56.91
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

13:00.26
Angela Parker
Single words and it’s actually a great place for folks to start, you can just do a single word but I think that the the thing too that I think is really important for people at start journaling. It’s not about the journal. It’s not about how long you do it.

13:15.26
katrinamcollier
The habit.

13:15.95
Angela Parker
It’s actually just I feel like the act there’s times I grab my journal I open it and my mind kind of journals inside of my head but it’s the practice of sitting.

13:24.48
katrinamcollier
Just fine. Yeah, and it’s also that like almost that feeling of like oh I’m waking up in a warm bed I have food in my fridge. You know I’m I’m I’m safe I’m that appreciation and that gratitude you are you asked about my morning routine I ah to be fair at Stick Changeer by the dog at my feet. Um.

13:32.10
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yeah, just um.

13:42.23
katrinamcollier
So there’s a moment of I have to go outside and take him for a pe and I could know what the neighbors think as I got my dressing gown but whatever. Um, and then I actually I mean I’m I’m not I’m less rigid on the screens but I do have time to sit and eat and have breakfast and he has his breakfast and I just I really ease into my day. I’m a morning person I wake up immediately like there’s none of this setting the alarm 10 times and all that kind of stuff I can’t do that. But I love to spend like an hour and a half before I take him out for a walk and then I take him out for a walk and then I come and sit and start my day and do my work um particularly in out the moment you know finishing writing this book.

14:10.42
Angela Parker
Um, yes, yes, yes.

14:19.80
katrinamcollier
Um, and I’m writing another book as well. A business book and it’s like so I love that routine of go out walk and then come back. So I probably do my journaling when I’m walking in the respective I do a lot of thinking. There’s no E things in my head I’m not listening I’m not distracting myself I just walk.

14:29.81
Angela Parker
Um, yes.

14:32.55
Angela Parker
Oh you don’t listen to anything. Okay, yeah, and how soon from the time you wake up. Do you do it because I find that’s really important. Yeah and they say that if you can get a morning sunlight in your eyes within the first is it hour hou hour hou hour and a half.

14:37.69
katrinamcollier
And and we know we have our roots and I listen an hour

14:48.61
katrinamcollier
Oh.

14:52.10
Angela Parker
It’s at least hour and a half affects your circadian rhythm for the rest of the day and I truly think it’s I really believe in it. Yeah I I that could be yes, yeah.

14:54.75
katrinamcollier
Did you know I live in London we are having the worst summer as is the whole of Northern Europe I hastened to add I was in Berlin last week it was thy bad. You know it’s it’s the whole. Yeah Southern Europe really wants our weather right now. But yeah, so what happened next.

15:12.87
Angela Parker
A.

15:14.10
katrinamcollier
So did you did you feel it doesn’t sound like you and you started working yourself. You felt any trepidation. It’s almost like you got like pushed into it because your body just went.

15:21.49
Angela Parker
No, but I mean I in a way I had been doing this work for so long. This was the work I had done before this was preparing me to go to this level and I think when I hear a lot of people talk about healing.

15:34.98
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

15:40.53
Angela Parker
We’re constantly like getting into the deeper deeper deeper parts and this is the thing I I think it’s actually a time to celebrate when we drop into something or we feel like shit. There’s a whole nother dimension to this.

15:44.73
katrinamcollier
Ah.

15:50.53
katrinamcollier
Um.

15:56.24
Angela Parker
In a way I celebrate it because it means I’m ready it means that I was fortified enough to actually look at my shit.

15:58.79
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, and yeah, fortified enough to look at your shirt is exactly exactly the thing it does take some braveness and some resilience and some. But I actually think the hardest part is just taking the first step just stopping and going like you did you actually stopped at four zero am or whatever it was it and went that was your moment and it’s just like this is why I just have to get this book out. It’s just this take a step like just.

16:20.73
Angela Parker
A. Um, yeah, yeah.

16:34.46
Angela Parker
Yes.

16:35.36
katrinamcollier
Realize you just can’ you don’t have to stay in the phase you in but you’re right I mean you start and you just go layers and layers and as and layers. Um I I think it’s how different do you feel like now that you.

16:42.41
Angela Parker
Yes, yes oh my God Um I mean what’s wild is that the phases for me were just ah, it started in such a deep grief I mean I got sent to the depths of this I was fighting for my life I was.

16:55.30
katrinamcollier
And her.

17:00.12
Angela Parker
I Couldn’t do I couldn’t do anything to to numb I couldn’t do anything so I was forced to stay in it and feel the feelings and and what I teach often and I say to people as I say am I for me I don’t think any of us can heal. Unless we’re willing to have enough courage to stay in the discomfort until we feel like it’s going to burn us up from the inside and we stay for one breath longer than the time before that’s it just one breath and over time the willingness to so.

17:23.58
katrinamcollier
Ah.

17:28.22
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

17:38.30
Angela Parker
Stay in that part because that the moment that you will not heal. There is a very specific moment is the moment you want to zip yourself out of it and all you want to do you don’t have to stay for 20 minutes just one one breath longer than before and so I started doing that and then I first I healed.

17:46.36
katrinamcollier
Um, one more breath. Yeah.

17:56.33
Angela Parker
My body and then I healed my heart and then the cool part is I started to heal my thoughts and that’s where the intersection of my experience of my trauma and my healing my journey with that you had ah I had a business right.

18:00.19
katrinamcollier
M.

18:07.60
katrinamcollier
M.

18:12.84
Angela Parker
Overidentifieded with my body I over identify with performing. My body was ah was a conversation piece. That’s a whole thing to unpack and all I wanted to be seen as was a brilliant entrepreneur but that’s not what the world saw me as and.

18:23.44
katrinamcollier
Ah, ah.

18:32.22
Angela Parker
Someone who had the courage to move a million miles away from where I was and take my healing story and it wasn’t until I grabbed all of these values that I had collected through this healing journey and brought them together and saw that I could not only create something that had more impact than my first company.

18:33.48
katrinamcollier
M.

18:41.11
katrinamcollier
No.

18:49.58
katrinamcollier
M.

18:52.16
Angela Parker
Because there’s a lot of thoughts that you’ll never do it again. You only had a great idea once and I noticed that my healing and my thoughts about my value in the world. Once those were fully integrated and I brought that into my work. It was like everything just.

19:04.37
katrinamcollier
Ah changed and did you find the source of those words because they’re not your words are they I mean you don’t have to say who because that’s quite personal but I assume somebody planted those thoughts that made you feel like you weren’t.

19:11.54
Angela Parker
Flew open.

19:20.64
Angela Parker
Um, what words.

19:23.55
katrinamcollier
Good enough or worth enough or you know even when you said oh my God I’ve sold my business. What are you doing you know and it’s like I feel like somebody said that to you and you’ve taken that as you know what? I mean like we take This is why it’s called the damage of words because it’s the book that is as opposed to this but it’s you.

19:26.27
Angela Parker
Oh yes.

19:35.38
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, oh yeah, yes, yes, and our stories and I mean.

19:41.80
katrinamcollier
We take these words and we take them on as our own and they’re not necessarily our words. It’s a t-shirt. It’s an uncle. It’s a priest it’s it could be anybody. It’s like it doesn’t have to be family like it.

19:51.47
Angela Parker
The brilliance of your title and the brilliance of the language and this gift that you’re bringing to the world. The world of the damage of words is that it is so succinct and it represents so much layered trauma.

20:04.84
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

20:10.58
Angela Parker
The damage of words for me was that my body was a conversation. My body was meant to be a dialogue. My body was something that people felt like could be objectified and I absorbed those messages and I noticed that.

20:12.58
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

20:23.71
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

20:29.74
Angela Parker
If that’s where my value is I don’t want to get kicked out of the tribe I want to be included if the world is reflecting. This is my strongest strength and fucking Damn it I better lean into it. So I then brought that message back to myself as if it was truth My value was clearly associated with what I looked like.

20:44.47
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

20:49.62
Angela Parker
How hard my body could perform how fit I could be and how easy I should make everything look.

20:53.80
katrinamcollier
Which is totally not sustainable like so when you started looking at the that that last I mean did you have help was it the a technique or other or did you do this all on your own.

20:58.60
Angela Parker
A hundred percent not sustainable.

21:10.15
Angela Parker
Most of it was done on my own but well, you’re we play in the same heart space. So this will make sense I moved to this area because.

21:24.26
katrinamcollier
M.

21:24.32
Angela Parker
I was meant to move to this area when we were trying to secure a lease which you have to have for even a short term visa we needed it. We kind of knew we wanted to be in this region. We had friends in the northern part of Italy. Yeah yeah, I’m in the north. Yeah, and it’s so beautiful. You have to come come.

21:35.20
katrinamcollier
You’re still in Italy right? Yeah, yeah, lovely. It’s beautiful I Hope yeah we do a book party. Ah.

21:43.30
Angela Parker
Live podcast. We’ll do a book party. Um, that’ll be amazing. Um, and we needed a place to stay couldn’t find when it was getting late. Our friends said come with me. We found this cute little play. Oh this is great. It’s fine in the morning when I open the windows.

21:59.20
katrinamcollier
M.

22:02.62
Angela Parker
Looked out at the mountain and every part of me this was before this is before my healing Journey Katrina’s before my body was like this is where you’re supposed to be so as part of this healing journey. The question is did I do it alone.

22:06.91
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah yeah.

22:20.73
Angela Parker
Sounds Okay, good. But I did it that I did with the mountain I I did it through healing and I did it through wiser people than me I was listening I was consuming more um more information than I could even ever begin to imagine.

22:22.35
katrinamcollier
Normal to me. Ah.

22:28.58
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, um.

22:40.13
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

22:40.49
Angela Parker
Tons of Terra Brock tons of Jack Cornfield Tons of Rene Brown um just consuming so much wisdom from folks that had walked ahead of me and then eventually I found a coach and that’s really what opened my career path to introduce things through the coaching lens.

22:48.10
katrinamcollier
Um.

22:53.39
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, and I would um I totally got what you mean mansit tree. But it’s where your soul’s happy. So you’ve probably had countless lives in Northern Italy before I feel at peace and.

23:06.46
Angela Parker
Um, this I know for sure. Um, really.

23:08.39
katrinamcollier
In London even though it’s quite heavy energy which is quite strange for someone like me, you know? Yeah, um because it very spiritual and I’m an impass you know I can feel the heavy energy but my soul’s so happy here because I’ve had so many lives here. So it’s like literally the plane comes into land and like every time and I’ve always felt like that. Even though I was born in Sydney. Yeah.

23:25.12
Angela Parker
Um, really Wow Yes, yes I Love that.

23:28.36
katrinamcollier
So to me, it’s like you get drawn to your place where yeah your soul place. Um, ah you know and others can Pooh-pooh It has been scientifically proven. So um, but it’s that’s probably what it is and there’s that healing that you’re seeing straight out the window there.

23:43.96
Angela Parker
Yeah, yeah, what’s actually a really interesting mountain. Apparently there’s like flowers here that aren’t anywhere else in the world and also there’s a bunch of witches like there’s some witch stories here about witches.

23:45.62
katrinamcollier
It’s probably and and you’re probably on it. You’ve probably have you looked at the lines you could be well be on a line.

23:55.21
katrinamcollier
Ah, what they go you you probably on ah a leg line or whatever they’re called. You’re probably on a line. It’s worth finding. You get totally totally. That’s yeah yeah.

23:59.34
Angela Parker
I Know these are my people you know witches and like blue flowers. Okay I’m gonna find we’re gonna find out. And I think it’s real I Do my retreats here I do my retreats in the villa that I stayed at for this whole experience and everyone says the same thing. Okay, well we’ll have to look into this thing about the lines I need to know? Yeah yeah.

24:16.62
katrinamcollier
Ah, totally tell us about your traits because obviously you’ve now gone on to help and obviously we met through workshop a master and we’re taking I think we’re some one of the few that aren’t doing facilitation in product. Um, or in tech where like I’m using it in recruitment. You’re using it for your healing.

24:29.40
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, so um I do rich I mean how do I not do it.

24:32.35
katrinamcollier
But tell us about the retreats. What how did that start or what was so amazing about doing them are yeah.

24:40.78
Angela Parker
Like I this this place changed me. Um, so I what I do now for work is I work with founders leaders and entrepreneurs globally, especially during the pandemic. We did so much so much together time. Um and I wanted to make a retreat.

24:45.51
katrinamcollier
Oh yeah.

24:57.92
Angela Parker
Give people a taste of what it’s like to be in a place that feels so safe and so like ah just a little hug like a safe little hug where you don’t worry about things here I don’t you don’t look over your shoulder. You don’t There’s just a.

24:59.73
katrinamcollier
Safe.

25:05.38
katrinamcollier
M.

25:12.11
katrinamcollier
Ah.

25:16.67
Angela Parker
As someone who has trauma in her body and in her life. My nervous system was always vigilant and to come and be in a place where I don’t have to maintain vigilance for anything when you walk into a restaurant when you walk to get a coffee.

25:23.87
katrinamcollier
Ah, ah.

25:30.59
katrinamcollier
Ah.

25:36.24
Angela Parker
I started to be able to put down all of these hyper vigilant traits big and small and it really shifted so I wanted to create retreats for people to come stay in a beautiful villa connect with great people and do the things that created a lot of healing inside of me we do hikes. We go to the Lake We listen to the church bells.

25:39.26
katrinamcollier
M.

25:55.49
katrinamcollier
Um.

25:55.92
Angela Parker
Do a ton of coaching and just create the space I Think that’s the most important thing I think that’s what your book is giving people the chance to do is create the space to take that step you know and to take the space to realize like the damage of words is real. This is a real thing.

25:57.95
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

26:04.40
katrinamcollier
Yeah, and just do o Yeah I mean I Always think about sticks and stones and it’s like what a load of shit you know. I Mean just a lot of shit I channeled some stuff this morning and it was just all around like the sting of the words and how long it has taken me to release those out of my body and now I use them like now I use them to create beauty in this podcast like being beyond like what is beyond when you get past when you get out of gongoosebumps.

26:27.67
Angela Parker
Yes.

26:39.28
katrinamcollier
Out the other side and in your light and like what you’re creating is that space for someone to feel the feels. It’s okay, like can we get back to gut heart up to head and and stop being told that it’s not okay to like that we have to put up these facades. We don’t We can just.

26:51.10
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yes, yes, we have to.

26:57.93
katrinamcollier
We can spend some time on ourselves and we have to if we want to be you know the best version of ourselves and I mean genuinely not the cliche that you just yeah, it’s so worth it.

27:06.39
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, the thing I always tell my clients is we have to be willing to bring it into the light. We don’t have to know what to do with it by the way I Really want people to know that we just need to grab it and be like ah okay.

27:12.58
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah I don’t want that anymore.

27:23.25
Angela Parker
It kind of. We just have to be willing to pull it out of the shadow and bring it just a little bit closer. You don’t have to know what to do? You don’t have to make a plan because your brilliant body will figure it out. You just have to be willing to bring it into the light.

27:37.60
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah, and it it could just be okay I’m done with you. Thank you I Forgive you be gone. You know it could be as simple as that I’ve been jumping around like a huligan wiping stuff off me I mean whatever like yeah.

27:45.90
Angela Parker
Yes I see you. Here.

27:53.98
katrinamcollier
And I just think it’s it is funny I so I was actually so so children it was on a screen now feel bad. Um, but I did see something early and it was talking about Actually the healing bit isn’t so hard. But it’s the being. It’s it’s almost like the actual do you know what? I mean like the pulling into the light bit once you get used to and you start It’s actually.

28:12.97
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yes, yes.

28:14.00
katrinamcollier
It’s the getting started. That’s hard be feeling safe like finding that safe space is probably hard. But once you start and you realize you get lighter and lighter and lighter and I’m sure you just feel so light now as you said you’re not on hypervigilance Now you relax such a great space. Ah.

28:21.96
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yes, yes, but you know what? why that is is that the nervous system understands truth and something that’s false and when we are.

28:33.53
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

28:39.40
Angela Parker
Willing to bring things into the light. Our nervous system is like well thank God we’re going to acknowledge this because hiding it was really stressing me out. It’s exhausting and that’s why the continued process does.

28:41.38
katrinamcollier
Yeah, exhausting.

28:52.42
katrinamcollier
Yeah, just a month. What’s next yeah and I’ve I’ve just done like I’ve done 12 years of work and it’s gone like that. It’s gone really fast, but it is 12 years and I’ve just kept going and going and still stuff bubbles up and you know I still have a little scar so I can still trigger and it’s like.

28:53.43
Angela Parker
Truly get easier is your nervous system is like great. Let’s let it go that was not so hard last time. Yeah, um, yeah.

29:08.98
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

29:12.80
katrinamcollier
Woo Just triggered what’s that all about. But I realized like and then I release that and I think you know I forgive it and off it goes and you know you just keep going until you’re like floating I’m not quite floating but it feels like it. But it’s just it’s ah such a nice place to come to the world from instead of full of the the victim mode you get to the victim mode.

29:15.36
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

29:19.59
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

29:22.78
Angela Parker
Yeah.

29:31.60
Angela Parker
Yeah, can I ask you a question when you wrote your book when you wrote your book I mean it must be really interesting to to bring these things forward. Were you bringing them forward from a place of I have completely.

29:31.87
katrinamcollier
Such a nice space. Oh you may? yeah.

29:43.98
katrinamcollier
Um.

29:47.75
Angela Parker
Worked through that or were there moments that you were working through it as you were bringing it forward.

29:48.66
katrinamcollier
And yeah, so I I done all the work to forgive my mother for her narcissistic of abuse abuse forgive my father for the enabler. All this sort of stuff but I’ve been working with a woman called Isabelle Gatherer who I write about and we realized. That I hadn’t actually forgiven my father for a few things because my father didn’t protect me and she so asked me something I went and she went well, you know if you’re going to be famous and it be some big stages about this. You know this is.

30:10.84
Angela Parker
Are.

30:23.48
katrinamcollier
Because we have this feeling this book is just going to be really powerful I don’t know why we just have this feeling she goes I don’t think you can really talk about healing if you still feel quite angry to your father. Do you think we should look like and it was like so my father passed last year and one of the big problems was I couldn’t talk to my dad because I didn’t have a clear path of communication to him.

30:27.79
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

30:36.17
Angela Parker
K.

30:43.23
katrinamcollier
Um, they shared an email account they shared when they had social social accounts if I called and she was in the background dad wouldn’t speak properly and it was just like I just gave up I stopped calling I stopped emailing I just because I’d get her answering and it would be horrible viciousness. So I’ve now chatted with him.

30:53.35
Angela Parker
Um, and yeah.

31:02.34
katrinamcollier
Um I am Claire audience. So I’ve always had the gift I just have had it hidden in the closet and I’m coming out. Um and I so had a really fantastic conversation with him and I now understand and he took me to his own trauma he took me to feel what he felt as a child.

31:17.97
Angela Parker
To please.

31:19.32
katrinamcollier
And then to feel the beginning of the marriage from all from his point of view and it was like okay now I fully get why you could not protect us like you just he he just couldn’t mentally protect us his childhood was brutal and then you know he and mum were at each other’s throats so it was just yeah and it.

31:31.75
Angela Parker
Um.

31:38.96
katrinamcollier
So that’s really helped um other people have been like oh you must have got really upset. No I haven’t strangely no I haven’t There’s been a few moments but no I just need it out of my body onto paper and into your hands. It’s just like this is my gift to the world I have to go heal people.

31:45.93
Angela Parker
Um, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.

31:57.90
katrinamcollier
I’m goingnna I’m going to share everything literally everything and you know some people will be like really because they know me from my recruitment professional world and they won’t believe that I’m Claire cognizant or I’m clear audience and all these kind of strange gifts that I have and that’s fine. Um, but it’s just time that I was really open.

32:12.99
Angela Parker
But you’re a whole person.

32:15.96
katrinamcollier
Um, a whole person and that is and it was funny. Um, my friend claire. She said you she could be cautious and I went up I’m so what? and and it was because she said you hide that that incredibly special part of yourself. You only share that to a few people and she said you have to tell more people I love her I Love her.

32:30.58
Angela Parker
We like her we like this friend real friends bring your bring your magic into the light. Yeah, oh yeah, so.

32:35.75
katrinamcollier
Real friend. Yeah, they’re like just get in the light woman and just you know and that’s where I’m at so but it’s taken. Yeah, it’s taken 12 years so that’s why it’s coming to the world. Um I know thank you I know that was a little bit tough there in the middle I felt that so thank you.

32:48.49
Angela Parker
Excited for it.

32:53.10
Angela Parker
Who.

32:54.68
katrinamcollier
If people want to get in contact with you. They want to know about your retreats website Linkedin what’s your favorite way for people I know it’s so easy when you do that.

33:00.80
Angela Parker
Yes, it’s very easy folks can go to my website. It’s angelaparker.com you can find everything there my speaking my retreats everything. Yeah.

33:10.46
katrinamcollier
Ah I ended up doing the katrinacollier.com was like why didn’t I do this years ago. Why did I start with different names just be me I’m just I’m only ever gonna be me. It’s like yeah, it’s great and like you can find me. Yeah, oh that’s amazing. Um, thank you.

33:16.15
Angela Parker
It Ah I don’t Ah, yeah, exactly? Yeah yeah I have a question are you going to do an audio version of your book.

33:30.90
katrinamcollier
Oh 1 sec sorry sorry I just could feel um, yes, sure for sure. Sorry as a choke right at the end and I’m so unediting this it will probably go out with my choke in it.

33:34.90
Angela Parker
Yes, Okay, good. Great. Great! yay.

33:45.70
katrinamcollier
Um, I am absolutely doing an audio version of this one I I’m not yeah.

33:47.26
Angela Parker
Okay, good because I want to hear I want to hear you bring this forward.

33:52.96
katrinamcollier
Yeah, and I think because it will help as well because people who will read. It won’t necessarily have done any work. So if they hear it with me talking from the light and the the love and the compassion that I feel for my family even through the trauma.

34:04.56
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

34:09.38
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

34:11.59
katrinamcollier
I Think that will help them be able to read it to see that you can get to that point where you no longer feel I I don’t feel any resentment towards my mom for what she did I see the gift in it. So.

34:14.60
Angela Parker
Um, yeah.

34:19.97
Angela Parker
Yeah, but also it’s so impactful for people who have done tons of healing work to have a guide and to feel and to hear the the alignment and the encouragement for us to do the same so your book is a gift. Thank you so much for right now.

34:26.80
katrinamcollier
And. Yeah, yeah, oh no, thank you? I really appreciate you doing this? Thank you so much. Angela thank you.

34:42.73
Angela Parker
It’s an honour.