What if it’s hyper-independence?
Have you seen this Reel? 👇🏻 The caption says ‘Therapist: You know hyper-independence is actually a trauma response, right?’ The reply is ‘Me:’ and shows a woman singlehandedly carrying a washing machine up the stairs out of the subway.
That was me, but I didn’t realise it until last year!
When I fell into healing at 40, I discovered all sorts of terminology that explained my behaviour: narcissistic abuse, co-dependency, complex PTSD, core wound, love addiction, and more. However, writing The Damage of Words over the last few years I uncovered even more about myself, including that I was hyper-independent. [Join the waiting list.]
What is hyper-independence?
Hyper-independence is a coping mechanism that develops as a result of negative and traumatic experiences. Individuals learn not to trust others, instead relying on themselves for everything. Hyper-independence can be short-lived or become a trauma response when someone applies this perspective to all areas of their life, including relationships and opportunities for growth. [Choosing Therapy]
My memoir details my healing journey and explains how my body or behaviour proved my trauma’s existence. As much as it feels like an enormous ‘f*** you’ to the people who still gaslight my child abuse, I explain it for the reader’s benefit, because people may not recall or can be in denial about the experiences that led to their behaviours.
One of the creators of hyper-independence is neglect, but if I asked you if your parents – intentionally or unintentionally – neglected you, it is unlikely you would say yes.
Christian Pankhurst explains, ‘The problem with neglect is that most of us will never know we were neglected because we can’t feel it. We don’t know that we never had it if we never had it. So one of the ways to detect if you had neglect in your life, is whether you became hyper-independent or not. People who are deeply neglected become very functional, they become very strong on their own two feet. Beyond natural healthy independence. It becomes their identity, they need to know they can do it on their own because they won’t trust or rely on anyone else.’
Other causes besides childhood emotional neglect are complex trauma, intimate partner violence, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), sexual abuse, early loss of a secure attachment figure or chronic instability in the home.
The issue with hyper-independence
Being aware of my hyper-independence helps because its drawbacks are many; I see now it was a contributing factor to the breakdown of my marriage, too!
According to Choosing Therapy, signs of hyper-independence may include:
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Perfectionism: that was me trying to do everything right to avoid upset. Impossible!
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Distrusting others: mistrust of others and an associated fear of vulnerability. Nodding
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Refusing support when offered: Guilty!
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Difficulty forming or maintaining relationships: The aforementioned marriage, for starters.
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Secretive behaviour: some may appear secretive and hide details about themselves to protect themselves. I used masks.
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Burnout: Taking on too many responsibilities can lead to exhaustion and burnout. Thankfully no!
Reducing hyper-independence
I say reduce because I have invested twelve years healing this life, past lives, DNA and generational trauma, to lose my misguided self-loathing and gain self-love and happiness, but still just expect to do things myself. I live alone with my dog and work for myself, but I am anything but lonely!
I have lost the perfectionism, automatic distrust of others, inability to form great friendships and use of masks, and I do now accept offered help. Could I be better at asking for it? Sure but at least I am conscious of the source of my behaviour.
If you sense you have hyper-independence and that it may be from childhood, I recommend finding a professional who uses inner child work. Connecting to my inner child, and giving her the love, support and protection I did not feel growing up, changed my life.
It was the greatest gift I gave myself.
💛