Ep. 18: From Anger To Stillness with Ingrid Morgan

 

Unedited Transcript with Ingrid Morgan

00:00.62
katrinamcollier
Ingrid Morgan, Welcome to Beyond the Damage of Words podcast. I’m so thrilled to talk to you. How are you? Um, you’re welcome. Yeah I hear you’ve got sunshine So I’m just not going there with the jealousy department.

00:06.51
Ingrid Morgan
I’m very well. Thank you, thank you for having me um, guest today today’s a good day we have Alex else. Yeah seeing but une blue supplies which is um which is a positive always a win.

00:21.10
katrinamcollier
Yeah, I’m clearly in the wrong pass of the Uk um Southeast London is a nut sunny. So tell me how did you start on your healing journey. What happened to lead you in that direction.

00:27.14
Ingrid Morgan
But um.

00:33.72
Ingrid Morgan
So I can probably pinpoint the the start of the healing process to when I was in my very late teens so like 1819 which is which is when I hit absolute rock bottom and ah had no choice but to start climbing up from there. Um.

00:39.53
katrinamcollier
No.

00:48.74
katrinamcollier
Oof.

00:49.69
Ingrid Morgan
So just a bit of background for people I suppose when when the main trauma in my life was when I was 5 um and my dad committed suicide. Um, which obviously needs no explanation. It had a ah massive impact on. All of us and I think we probably didn’t even realize the impact that it would continue to have in in years to come. Um, yes, yeah, yeah, and and and you you you you never get over it. You don’t um and the trauma never goes away that you you will be affected by it.

01:10.30
katrinamcollier
That ripple that ripple that just continues on and on.

01:23.83
katrinamcollier
So.

01:25.52
Ingrid Morgan
Forever. It’s just kind of I guess how you how you learn to deal with it or how much you let it affect you as your as your life goes on and um I was a very disturbed teenager. You know we also emigrated from South Africa to England when I was 11 which is an awkward age to move. Um.

01:30.13
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

01:41.52
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, but it did mean you lost your accent all together. You did lose your accent altogether though. Ah.

01:44.30
Ingrid Morgan
And then had to change all again like a year later so again. Ah yes, completely I’m completely blunt probably a good thing. Um, and yeah I was I was a disturbed teenager and um, went down some very dark routes. Um, which ended in me.

01:55.28
katrinamcollier
So.

02:02.30
Ingrid Morgan
Ah, taking an overdose when I was I think 19 not 18 Um and it was a very serious attempt. Um I was very upset when it didn’t work. You know, um, refused to give hospital my mum’s details because I just didn’t want to so be sent home and have to.

02:05.20
katrinamcollier
Button.

02:13.78
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

02:21.44
Ingrid Morgan
Sort of start all over again. Um, so it was that was a really hard time. Um, ah but it was also just miraculously the best thing that could have happened because it made me it did 2 things. Actually it made me address the problem. Um rather than bearing it away.

02:33.80
katrinamcollier
Um.

02:40.22
Ingrid Morgan
Kind of forced me to talk about it and it’s funny. Once you start talking it all comes out and it all really helps. Um and the other thing that it did is it. It made me understand the position that my my dad had been in I think that was the biggest game changer for me, um, having spent the.

02:44.54
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

02:59.46
Ingrid Morgan
Previous years being incredibly angry as we talked about at him abandoning me and how could he be so selfish and um and also the frustration anger like why did you do it? You know, um and now now I go back and.

03:02.44
katrinamcollier
Um.

03:09.23
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yet there you were there, you were in about to do the same thing a kid got to that gosh that would just give you a serious case of empathy wouldn’t it so was was sorry. No no, you go.

03:16.45
Ingrid Morgan
Exactly.

03:22.58
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, and you were sorry, go on you realize that you’re not in you’re You’re not doing it out of anything selfish. In fact, it’s almost the opposite.

03:28.45
katrinamcollier
Ah, was the the.

03:33.73
katrinamcollier
Boom.

03:38.14
Ingrid Morgan
You almost feel like you’re doing people a favor which is just so sad to look back on that anybody would ever think? um.

03:38.53
katrinamcollier
Yes, and it’s the falsehood. It’s false isn’t it as well. Like I look at you My mum’s first husband’s suicide and it again it was probably he was at that point he thought and then you just see the damage and the fallout.

03:57.20
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, well.

03:57.99
katrinamcollier
So you’ve talked about I mean was it when you started talking was it that releasing that all that anger had you sort of suppressed it and held it inside before thinking you couldn’t release it or what what sort of what was the talking about.

04:09.52
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah I think I I don’t know why I had suppressed it before I just I couldn’t talk about it if it ever came up. You know between me and my mom it would I would just go to to rage point not at her just at the situation.

04:16.52
katrinamcollier
And.

04:23.17
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

04:24.84
Ingrid Morgan
So it did get bottled down and it came out in various other horrible ways. Um I didn’t start therapy straight away I think I just I kind of had to start talking more openly with the people closest to me, you know people had questions. Um.

04:27.52
katrinamcollier
And.

04:35.20
katrinamcollier
Yes.

04:42.77
Ingrid Morgan
I started doing a little bit of reading now that I understood this you know this term depression. Um and trauma and and and things like that I found quite eye-opening. You know I can I can talk later if you want about a book that I read in in more recent years that was was really quite life changing for me as well.

04:46.16
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

04:57.70
katrinamcollier
So.

05:00.42
Ingrid Morgan
And I’ve just I’ve just kind of forced myself to become the kind of person that talks really openly to to anyone not inappropriately Um, but you know when when it’s when it’s the right kind of situation I will be really open about my mental health and about my dad’s suicide. Um.

05:08.81
katrinamcollier
So.

05:16.10
katrinamcollier
So.

05:19.89
Ingrid Morgan
Because it helps me to address it and to not vary it and not forget it and all of that and it also really and important other people to talk.

05:21.95
katrinamcollier
Yeah. And also it yeah um, which is how I Well I mean we were connected but it was more I saw the post that you’d written for men really and it was like oh hang on I Want to hear your story but I feel it’s it’s.

05:35.28
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah I mean.

05:43.34
katrinamcollier
When we step into that vulnerability and when we are open. It gives other people permission to be open and you just don’t know whose life. You’re saving as well by you just being because you know they’re not Necessari gonna let you know, but that impact you can create. So.

05:46.68
Ingrid Morgan
Exactly that? Um, yeah, yeah I think I said I studied psychology at uni and I I seem to remember it’s called something like um mutual disclosure.

06:04.96
katrinamcollier
Yeah, um.

06:05.18
Ingrid Morgan
Doesn’t necessarily have to be about trauma but just generally if you share a little bit about yourself The other person shares a little bit and you kind of you go back and forth until you’re both very very open I do find because I’m a very open person. Um, other people will will come to me with things that I’m not necessarily the closest person to them but they’ll come and tell me these really.

06:11.24
katrinamcollier
I.

06:24.59
katrinamcollier
Yeah, and I think also because it’s the no judgment like you just you just hear it and I think that’s what people need as well as well Gosh. So.

06:24.73
Ingrid Morgan
Deep personal things I think they know they can trust me because I’ve trusted them. You know?? Yeah absolutely and them. Yeah, yeah, yeah for Sure. So That’s that’s and a big one for me the the talking about it and continuing to do so some of the other things I I think when you’ve when you when you’ve suffered with some kind of trauma especially at a young age you you end up making some wrong choices as you then continue to go through life. So Obviously obviously um.

06:44.45
katrinamcollier
So.

06:59.19
katrinamcollier
First yes, we got to divert from the pain and makes the wrong choices. So we don’t feel it for a while. Ah so.

07:02.72
Ingrid Morgan
Ah, yeah, um, whether it’s things like you know, choosing the the wrong crowd to hang out with choosing choosing the wrong job even the wrong lifestyle that like you kind of create a persona that isn’t really.

07:13.43
katrinamcollier
Ah.

07:20.39
Ingrid Morgan
You and then that in itself leads to um, just a lot of like anguish and that feeling of Inauth this in authenticity is that a word. Um I.

07:24.20
katrinamcollier
Um.

07:28.40
katrinamcollier
Yes, it is. It’s a tongue twister today but it is definitely a word but it’s It’s actually a way of numbing. It’s a way of distracting yourself from feeling the pain is like I’ll I’ll go hang out with those people. Um, in fact I was talking to my mentee earlier and he was talking about. Um.

07:39.48
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah.

07:47.10
katrinamcollier
He pays it forward. He goes Oh I’m a coach for this and I do this and I do this I’m going. Yeah, it’s all distracting you from dealing with your pain because you have no time right? he went. Oh even though it seems what he’s doing is wholesome. It’s like but you’re still not yet, you’re avoiding what you need to heal to fill that.

07:54.84
Ingrid Morgan
Um, um, yeah, yeah I was yeah I think avoidance is is is probably the biggest problem and I mean I’ve I’ve been lucky that a couple of times in my life. Now in my adult life I’ve been able to make some really big dramatic changes. Um, you know like quitting a career path moving cities. Um blah blah blah things like that which not not in a runaway sense not at all in much more in a this is not right for me I’m going to.

08:23.61
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

08:27.26
Ingrid Morgan
Jump off the building and build the parachute on the way down and just create something new and weave more positive things into my life now I know that’s not possible for everyone right because at the time I didn’t have family and and things like that. Um, but that’s been a big one for me to just try and be a bit more true to myself.

08:33.21
katrinamcollier
You.

08:40.66
katrinamcollier
Um.

08:45.39
katrinamcollier
What were the signs that you weren’t being true to yourself. What were you feeling or or experiencing that made you go. What am I doing This is just not me.

08:47.14
Ingrid Morgan
Um.

08:53.67
Ingrid Morgan
I suffer I suffered a lot of panic attacks. Um, really quite severe ones debilitating not just like oh I’m feeling really anxious and a bit sweaty but like almost physical rigidity.

09:01.54
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

09:09.39
Ingrid Morgan
Not being able to breed like extreme hyperventilation. Um, and things like that and it just that was a real shock to me when that started happening that was a whole new thing alongside the depression and I was like God is this Um, and.

09:09.97
katrinamcollier
Um.

09:18.70
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

09:24.84
Ingrid Morgan
I Couldn’t tell whether it was work-related or life related but it was like a fear response to something that just wasn’t right? Um, and you know certainly since so nineteen was the last time I sort of did this this big big life change that centered around a career change and.

09:33.76
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

09:40.99
katrinamcollier
The yeah.

09:44.39
Ingrid Morgan
Having more flexibility more variety in my life more creativity more downtime. All of those things. Um, and I’ve had a couple of panicky episodes since then when my an anxietyeties peaked again, but on the whole you know I’m I’m much more mentally stable.

09:49.87
katrinamcollier
Um.

09:59.30
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, and is that because you’re now aware sort of what the source is and you have like tools to help you to soothe or what? what’s what’s changed mind. You’ve got back into your art haven’t you as well.

10:13.78
Ingrid Morgan
I’ve got but that’s a big thing I’ve got I’ve got this creative outlet not just a creative outlet. Obviously that I think for anybody, that’s that’s a fantastic thing to have but art is so true to who I am and what I want to do. It’s been a really cathartic thing to to have back in my life.

10:14.26
katrinamcollier
Think’s really important. So.

10:26.00
katrinamcollier
Um, um.

10:28.58
katrinamcollier
I.

10:30.78
Ingrid Morgan
Um, stepping away from like the busy busy Lifestyle I think like like like you like you said about um this other coach fors. You know if if if you’re if you’re not allowing yourself time to just be still chill.

10:37.74
katrinamcollier
M.

10:45.50
katrinamcollier
B I.

10:48.77
Ingrid Morgan
Whatever it is. You know it doesn’t have to be some like I’m doing yoga all the time or going for beach sidewalks. It’s like it can be anything just be still don’t make too many plans. Don’t fill every gap in your calendar with something to do and that’s.

10:54.98
katrinamcollier
These 2 Yeah.

11:05.13
Ingrid Morgan
What my life used to be like so now now I really feel it when when my diary gets a bit too busy albeit with positive things I start to get overwhelmed. Um and I need routines some regularity some calmness.

11:14.34
katrinamcollier
Should I do that? Yeah, it’s funny. It’s it’s it’s quite liberate and just sort of just so I’m not available if if it’s ah oh actually I’m stay at home and just watching Tv so I don’t have to do something I’ll people but never query if you say you’re not available.

11:24.49
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah, yeah, and you know do you know what? I found the the me was yeah but I will legitimately take it from my friends a day. Go you know watch. Do you mind if I don’t if I don’t do tonight or this afternoon I’m just feeling all peopled out just need some.

11:31.65
katrinamcollier
Then have asked why you’re not available.

11:39.92
katrinamcollier
Um, upish. Yeah yeah, oh what led you to the stillness where was there a.

11:43.56
Ingrid Morgan
Time by myself and I’m like absolutely thank God that you felt that you’d say that to me you know? and so I’ll I’ll say it to other people.

11:56.42
katrinamcollier
Like um, was it part of this change in 2019 where you were able to just be still I find a lot of people kind of struggle. The first time they need to be still be it meditating yoga. Whatever it is that that.

12:03.44
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yes, yes, it was it was ah definitely a ah transition. Um, so when I when I quit my job I went out to South Africa where where I was born. Um.

12:12.78
katrinamcollier
I.

12:19.45
Ingrid Morgan
For three months and stayed with some very close friends of the family. The woman mother of the household is um, an artist so I wasn’t working I was just she um and kind of being mentored but also just working in her space with her. Um I didn’t have a job I didn’t have a social life.

12:24.90
katrinamcollier
I. Yeah, amazing.

12:38.83
Ingrid Morgan
Around me. Um I didn’t have money to be spending and going out all the time I was doing yoga quite regularly and just going for like local runs so that really helped take me completely away from the pace of life that I had been in which was recruitment at the time which anybody.

12:57.44
katrinamcollier
Um.

12:57.52
Ingrid Morgan
Who understands recruitment as you do. It is not a relaxed loss lifestyle but goes with it so it was it was yeah yeah, um, and when I came back I remember thinking one 1 thing that was really important in this three months where I just was trying to figure everything out.

12:57.67
katrinamcollier
Yes, no, it’s a lot of pressure and reactivity and yeah stress it’s a hard job.

13:15.19
katrinamcollier
Um.

13:15.44
Ingrid Morgan
I needed to make sure I I didn’t want to work five days a week I wanted to have a job that only required me to work the hours that were set not an extra 2 every day three every day. So I mean having my my fridays was my studio day. So I found a communal studio and I would go in there and I would put my headphones on and I would paint all day.

13:22.11
katrinamcollier
And.

13:29.85
katrinamcollier
Who.

13:35.40
Ingrid Morgan
And it was just yeah, it was a wonderful time I mean honestly I almost felt a bit snug at how beautifully things had worked out and so happy I was that I had made that dramatic scary.

13:46.66
katrinamcollier
Ruin it.

13:48.10
Ingrid Morgan
Decision to just leave my career I just bought a new car on finance I was the only 1 paying my mortgage I didn’t have any savings accounts. So and I just quit like that. So it was it was a bit scary but it it worked out and it was just the best thing and I am I was financially a lot once off, but.

13:54.98
katrinamcollier
Um, and.

14:02.36
katrinamcollier
It’s It’s funny that yeah, but emotionally so much better and it’s funny because the universe always delivers like we always. It’s It’s almost like the the papers in the press have us in this scarcity mindset that you know oh but I’m catching the back era.

14:08.54
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, well.

14:15.97
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that that was I was exactly yeah.

14:19.25
katrinamcollier
And it’s head down whereas actually when you go the other way you know gut and heart up which is what you did. You’re like oh this is what I need to be emotionally healthy then the opportunities arrive I mean it’s like you know people will be listening kind of going. Oh well like you know there are no four day. Well no, there are four day a week jobs out there. There are part-time jobs there there is all sorts.

14:33.85
Ingrid Morgan
Um, um, yeah I actually had I had 2 2 day a week jobs. Um, and and then that fited in and and again they both kind of just fell into my lap and they were both it just all worked out.

14:39.10
katrinamcollier
Just you have to decide that there are there and in the second you decide they’re there like perfect.

14:51.42
katrinamcollier
Oh.

14:52.97
Ingrid Morgan
Perfectly I almost couldn’t believe it and yeah, whether whether you believe in spirituality or the universe or just I don’t know just good luck it with yeah it was one of those things. It was just the right thing to do.

14:57.34
katrinamcollier
Magic Yeah I Do think what you think you get So that’s why people have to be careful and is that thing isn’t it where you like think oh X hasn’t rung me for ages and boom. They send a message or they call or it’s that you know we had that capability. So it’s like be careful what you think.

15:10.68
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was just thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15:16.56
katrinamcollier
Because if you’re thinking that it. It’s all gonna be crap it. It’ll all be crap. So did you go the professional route. Did you end up having because you alluded to therapy at the beginning. Did you go that route. They go that path. How was that? oh.

15:25.18
Ingrid Morgan
um yeah yeah so I’ve I’ve um I’ve obviously had had my my medication various different types on and off for 20 years um I have now found a nice stable point with it. Um, it’s something that.

15:38.89
katrinamcollier
And.

15:42.93
Ingrid Morgan
Again I alluded to in the in the the Linkedin post that you saw that not for everyone and even if it does really help. It’s certainly not a ah ah solution to the problem. It’s it’s just the symptoms. Um, and even that it it just dulls it down. You know it doesn’t take it away completely. So you’ve you’ve.

15:46.39
katrinamcollier
Um.

15:55.71
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

16:00.43
Ingrid Morgan
You’ve got to address the the problem underneath and yes I’ve tried I’ve had various different like short snippets of therapy but never gelled with a therapist until I found this one guy called Graham it was all um it was all on over over Zoom or whatever we were using at the time. Um.

16:08.87
katrinamcollier
Move.

16:18.43
katrinamcollier
And I think that’s actually something I think has stayed that there is so much online now which is great who wants to drag their button to town for an hour meeting when you can just jump on a Zoom.

16:18.86
Ingrid Morgan
And I had a good connection with him and I yeah where you exactly had. Also if you have a bit of a traumatic session. You don’t want to then be like you know, getting on a plane on point. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Um.

16:34.23
katrinamcollier
Crying on the train on the way home.

16:37.93
Ingrid Morgan
I I spoke to him for eight months once a week for eight months and it was funny at that at the time we you know what we barely talked about my dad this is what really shocked me I was like surely he’s going to just dig up all this past trauma and he didn’t really we talked about the present and and the future and.

16:39.43
katrinamcollier
Amazing.

16:53.79
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

16:56.71
Ingrid Morgan
You can’t tell at the time if you’re not like oh feeling so much better I feel like this person has cured me. That’s not how it works it. He just obviously just planted seeds and just helped me change my way of thinking and it did have a big impact I just the the 1 thing I remember him saying specifically was.

17:00.60
katrinamcollier
No no.

17:14.32
Ingrid Morgan
Ingrid you’ve got to stop prioritizing your future self So I was always thinking. It’ll be different when when when I have a job that’s exs at or it will be different when I have a partner or or maybe if I have kids it will be different if then so I’ve just I’ve just got to get there and then everything will be okay and he was like.

17:19.37
katrinamcollier
I Know yes.

17:28.82
katrinamcollier
Wow.

17:30.58
Ingrid Morgan
I Really hope all these things happen for you and I believe that they will or if they don’t you really need to focus on yourself now and and make sure that now. Um and that was that was a big thing that stuck with me that again was probably at the start of leading me to make.

17:37.40
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

17:48.68
Ingrid Morgan
These big changes I remember when I made this change I wanted to email him I should have done and gone you. You’ll never guess what all of the things that I said I wanted to do I’m doing them I made the change. Um, yeah, he hope he had. He had a big influence on me. Um.

17:59.53
katrinamcollier
I’m sure you could message him now and he would still appreciate. It. Just it’s funny how it’s like a one comment isn’t it that somebody makes it makes you go wow so it’s interesting. You’ve said the word cure a few times and so I said to I spoke to my friend Lynn Hanford day who’s also been on the podcast I’d seen a comment on Instagram and someone had said oh.

18:06.17
Ingrid Morgan
The other thing I you know I said I mean yeah yeah I.

18:24.17
katrinamcollier
You know I I had the sessions I could have on the and nhs and you know now. Um, there’s nothing else and it’s like it’s almost like they go to the nhs for a cure. The nhs can only offer so much and it’s like my thing was like why don’t they put their hand in their pocket like maybe cut the shoe fund or the holiday fund or that I don’t know and I’m being a little flippant but.

18:33.38
Ingrid Morgan
Are the ah.

18:40.81
Ingrid Morgan
Um I want.

18:44.80
katrinamcollier
Like don’t they want to invest in themselves and do the deeper stuff which you’ve talked about as well because it takes time to heal. It’s not a quick fix. We can’t just go get a cure. It’s like that was a real eye opener for me yesterday was like.

18:48.30
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah.

18:53.14
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah, no, not at all.

18:58.57
katrinamcollier
I hadn’t thought of it that way. They’re just looking for that quick win and it’s like no it takes time. But.

18:59.63
Ingrid Morgan
And there’s different kinds of therapy. You know you’ve got your your cbt which wasn’t right for me, you’ve got group therapies I think a lot of those are actually free I mean yes, some of them do cost money. But as you said there are something that you couldn’t find.

19:11.65
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, there’s so many options.

19:15.93
Ingrid Morgan
Money for it. But it’s funny how much if you really want something. There are things in your life that you can cut back on to pay that you know 50 sixty quit a session even if it’s a couple times a month. It’s it can it can make a real a real difference. Yeah, yeah, there you go ones the one let’s take the way.

19:20.83
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, just stay home on Friday night you and not go out. Yeah I mean that was all that was going through my mind I mean because it’s it was funny because um, it. Didn’t enter my head not to pay for it myself at any point it was like once I started seeing how great it was and how great I was feeling. You were saying like you start you like.

19:41.60
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah I think if if you could say to people pay the money and you will definitely get the outcome. You’re looking for. They would do it but it but it is a bit tough. You know it.

19:55.40
katrinamcollier
A grade.

19:57.26
Ingrid Morgan
It’s hard to say whether it’s going to work or whether you’re going to click with the right therapist straight away or how long it’s can take what the outcome’s going to be you know, but it’s it’s got to be worth trying right.

20:00.70
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

20:05.42
katrinamcollier
She What do you think it was about him that made you click with them with him even compared to the others.

20:13.57
Ingrid Morgan
Do you know what funny I’ll trust from the beginning because because my sister had um, been speaking to him said she what? why don’t you try this guy. He’s really nice. He also had he just had a very calm way about him very calm.

20:21.70
katrinamcollier
Ah.

20:27.61
katrinamcollier
And.

20:30.82
Ingrid Morgan
He was happy to make jokes. He was happy for me to make jokes I didn’t feel like I was in this like formal doctor’s setting. Yeah um and I I knew so a lot of what he worked with one of his specialities was working with um teenagers who had drug problems and things like that. So I knew there was just.

20:35.36
katrinamcollier
Star there sewing.

20:44.55
katrinamcollier
Button.

20:49.70
Ingrid Morgan
I Knew there was nothing I could say that would be faux Pa or that would shock him or I better not mention that I just just felt very very open with him. Um, yeah.

20:51.37
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

20:58.76
katrinamcollier
Yeah, which is so important isn’t it I mean because some of the stuff you share is just you do feel that like vulnerability to kind of go. Okay now I’m gonna say this and but yeah, um.

21:08.48
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah, yeah, it’s it’s it’s it’s a process. It’s scary. It is a bit scary. Um, and there’s.

21:15.67
katrinamcollier
Actually that’s why I’ve written some of my worst behavior. That’s the good way of putting it into my memoir because I’m just like and it’s it’s not I didn’t go the drug route I actually got very addicted to cigarettes so fast I knew that if I touched drugs I’d be off. So thank God that happened and I did actually connect the dots. But.

21:21.44
Ingrid Morgan
Um, a.

21:24.78
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, 100

21:35.57
katrinamcollier
Behavior to like ex-partners and things like that I’ve just I’ve written it all out because I’m like this is how I was behaving. These are all symptoms that there’s a ah deep trauma because I’ve thought vulnerability. Yeah yeah.

21:36.38
Ingrid Morgan
You yeah and that and that’s fine to own that as well I saw up what’s her name dawn french went on Graham Norton show the other day I just saw a little clip of it. Yes, right? yeah.

21:50.80
katrinamcollier
Other track Files I have that book sitting over there to read know I was the tra.

21:55.81
Ingrid Morgan
But she’s just written down all of the twaty things. She’s done in her life and it must be so liberating. So yeah, yeah I did this and it was really stupid. But it’s okay because we all do it. Um, definitely.

22:06.40
katrinamcollier
Yeah, it’s it’s sitting there underneath. Um, oh what’s her name Margoyles I’m finishing her memoir at the moment. So it’s next in the pile thewi files because I think it will be quite funny. Yeah know and be totally.

22:10.72
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah I think I think I’m going to have to ah read a laugh if if nothing else speaking from books I wanted to to just just say because I.

22:23.11
katrinamcollier
So oh yeah, yeah, please please.

22:27.20
Ingrid Morgan
Helpful 1 and um I’ve bought it for my mom for Christmas um I lent it to friends. It’s called lost connections by Johann Hari and yeah I really want to read it again now that I’m in a different place in my life and and just see how it compares. Um, but yeah, it just talks about.

22:33.96
katrinamcollier
I Love your hand harry.

22:41.86
katrinamcollier
Um.

22:46.90
Ingrid Morgan
All of the things we’ve kind of lost in modern society. All of the things that are are stopping us from feeling connected and authentic and all of those things. Um and leading to that feeling of of being a bit a bit lost in despair depressed.

22:59.55
katrinamcollier
Ah.

23:04.61
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, um.

23:05.32
Ingrid Morgan
And I think that was again some seeds planted in me of finding more valuable meaningful things in my life. Sometimes it takes dramatic changes with pregnant life. Yes, yeah.

23:13.30
katrinamcollier
Um, your present life. Not your future like I Love that I Really love that and did he have it because I read his stolen focus and you basically get to the end and he doesn’t have the answer were were there answers were there things where it was like like. Here are some obvious ways you might be losing connection or was it.

23:30.20
Ingrid Morgan
I honestly can’t remember how he concluded it because it was years ago now that I read it? Um I don’t know how many years ago but yeah a while a while back? um I just remember he gave some very good real life examples of.

23:34.53
katrinamcollier
I. Yeah, yeah.

23:47.67
katrinamcollier
Um.

23:47.76
Ingrid Morgan
Um, people or so you know either individuals or societies or cultures. Um, and where they were either getting things wrong or where they were getting things right? um and it was just that I found very kind of I thing you know, like silly things like there was some city in Brazil somewhere that.

23:53.32
katrinamcollier
Ah.

23:57.65
katrinamcollier
Yeah, um.

24:07.53
Ingrid Morgan
Had banned all advertising so no billboards no magazine advertising 1 thing like that so you were not um, you were never bombarded with what adverts do which basically goes you are lacking in some way you’re lacking this beauty watch. You’re lacking this woman clients you’re lacking this you know shiny watch.

24:10.63
katrinamcollier
Oh love. Ah, that would be amazing.

24:19.87
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

24:25.48
Ingrid Morgan
That you constantly feel a that you need stuff that you can’t get or that you yeah or that you’re lacking as ah as an individual and yeah, there was there were statistics about you know the levels of depression going down and and things like that. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you know another example was ah, a.

24:26.43
katrinamcollier
Oh.

24:38.92
katrinamcollier
Um, that’s amazing. Wow.

24:44.66
Ingrid Morgan
A shop of some sort I Want to say it was a bike shop or something and basically they got rid of any hierarchical structure so they were just all on the same level. They all had the same share in the business again I’m sort of scraping at details here because it was a while ago but making a way that you know having the feeling of ownership.

24:53.62
katrinamcollier
Yeah, so yeah I.

25:02.58
Ingrid Morgan
Of responsibility of a value of contribution. Um, yeah, it’s just it’s just such an eyeopening book to read and you realize me? Yeah, yeah.

25:09.77
katrinamcollier
I Love the way he writes as well because you I mean he’s a journalist isn’t he so he writes in that way. It’s all quite you know, wellresearched and put together. Yeah and puts together a case. Yes, he makes it very accessible doesn’t he um I love that with stolen focus and I love that he didn’t he was trying to say it’s not our fault.

25:14.76
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah, yeah, a very easy speed as well. Yeah, we.

25:28.38
katrinamcollier
We’re addicted to these fines he hass explained that much. He just hasn’t necessarily solved the problem of how to not be um, which he’s really honest, but so yeah.

25:28.81
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, yeah.

25:34.81
Ingrid Morgan
But like um, it’s the same thing with new Therapy isn’t it. It’s not necessary about giving you an answer because there there is never an answer. Um it’s helping you to if you can understand more your thought processes or your behaviors.

25:48.78
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

25:50.91
Ingrid Morgan
It’s much easier to then just slowly start changing them. Yeah, even sometimes that even happens. Naturally, you don’t have to go right? I’m going to change this sometimes just by understanding it. It is part of the evolution of you you know, getting to that place.

25:54.10
katrinamcollier
Struck that yeah as yeah, exactly or it’s the why am I thinking about that. So I always have my default to think about my dog so the second I realize I’m thinking about something completely negative and is of no value to me and why’m even thinking about it is twenty years ago I go straight to thinking about banjo or my past dog because it’s just an immediate happy memory because but it’s you have to become that like consciously aware of what you’re thinking.

26:16.76
Ingrid Morgan
Are we.

26:23.94
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah.

26:28.79
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, um, yeah.

26:30.28
katrinamcollier
Which is a process but I think when you start the self-work you then start that process and kind of go. Why am I thinking about that or why am I dramatizing that because it could go a thousand different ways and and that was one of the things again with the memoir is that you. You know I realized I thought it was sort of my journey from self-hate to self-love then I realized actually it was to the self-mastery bit which is like what you’re talking about is that awareness and it’s that great willingness to do something and like being curious about your emotions and the situations and um and that’s why I I don’t want anyone to think it’s a formula.

26:48.62
Ingrid Morgan
With me. Yes.

26:56.91
Ingrid Morgan
Um.

27:01.58
Ingrid Morgan
I am.

27:01.85
katrinamcollier
It’s what I happen to do but I know people who’ve got there completely different ways find your thing which is kind of why I ask the therapy question of you like why that therapist because there’s so many that keep trying what else possible. You know.

27:10.20
Ingrid Morgan
1 yeah, and and also it’s not even I mean obviously you’re you’re in ah, a different place to where you were years ago and you’ve you’ve got these tools and and and all of that. But it’s you’ve got to continue to learn like it’s never just like oh I’ve done it I’ve passed the test now I can just.

27:18.96
katrinamcollier
Um.

27:25.49
katrinamcollier
Um, now you.

27:27.74
Ingrid Morgan
Get on. You know it’s going to always try and creep its way back in I think this is something I’ve been aware of issues with my depression with my anxiety and with my dad um thought processes around that you know it does it is. It’s always. There’s always a threat of it creeping back in so you’ve got kind of.

27:33.67
katrinamcollier
Okay.

27:41.40
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yes, yeah, it’s the it’s the realization of.

27:45.59
Ingrid Morgan
It’s like a muscle right? You’ve got to keep keep using these these tools that you have the attitudes and perspectives that you’re trying to maintain it’s It’s ah it’s yes that you.

27:55.79
katrinamcollier
Okay, hang on this feels familiar am I going down the familiar path. You know our brains want to take us down the same path. It’s easier for them. But it’s like okay but I don’t wish to go down that path I know what’s going on here and it’s then you know using whatever methods It is either to healer or to cellsoo or something. Yeah I love that you’re doing that.

28:04.18
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah, yeah.

28:11.67
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah, and for me, it goes back to talking about it being really honest with my husband with my friends with my family Thankfully I now work for my sister so I can do it at work as well and say I’m having a ah mental health blip. You know, um.

28:19.83
katrinamcollier
Um.

28:25.52
katrinamcollier
Um, um, how how has he provided support because um, probably part of the reason we’re divorced and I don’t think he’d be bothered by me saying this but like sometimes I would say to my ex-husband like I’m feeling this and because of his trauma he would end up angry.

28:26.24
Ingrid Morgan
And people.

28:35.94
Ingrid Morgan
Um, the.

28:42.21
katrinamcollier
Thinking he’d done something wrong and it’s like I can’t win here I’m just trying to tell you um yet No, we’re much better now. We’re really good divorced great friends which should never got married. Um I Love Injavi So are you thinking? Um, but yeah, so how’s he provided that support I’m thinking if anyone’s listening and actually they need to.

28:44.10
Ingrid Morgan
Um, and gosh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

29:00.45
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, yeah I I remember the final summer had a really bad um depressive episode it was it was it was.

29:00.94
katrinamcollier
For a vi What does he do that makes you feel like I can go. You know what? I’m having shit I leave me be. But.

29:12.40
Ingrid Morgan
Longer and more severe than than usual and he was He was so so wonderful. It actually made me look at him with slightly different eyes I was like Wow you’ve really stepped up here. No one’s ever done this before and it was just basically making me feel like I was in a completely safe place.

29:14.67
katrinamcollier
Um.

29:31.59
Ingrid Morgan
Where I didn’t need to worry about anything I could if I wanted to just lie in a dark room I could do that if I wanted to sit on the sofa and drink wine or eat ice cream I could just do that and he was just gentle and just gave me space I think he was like would always check in and let me know that he was there.

29:32.26
katrinamcollier
Um.

29:42.20
katrinamcollier
And.

29:50.30
katrinamcollier
Um.

29:50.93
Ingrid Morgan
But not forcing me to talk not forcing me to do anything just basically giving me a safe protected space where I could just ride ride it out. Um, yeah, yeah, and that was that was lovely. That was all I needed and you know obviously us very good communicators. So.

29:57.35
katrinamcollier
Yeah, feel it and release it. Yeah.

30:07.95
Ingrid Morgan
When the opportunity comes I do want to talk about certain things then he’s very open with me I’m very open with him. But um, but yeah, just providing that gentle safe space for someone is is it’s all they need Sometimes I think.

30:09.42
katrinamcollier
M.

30:19.96
katrinamcollier
Yeah I Yeah and I think that’s a good key to partnership as well I will choose better next time in there because like were really open about some things but you know like I’m not open about my spirituality with him at all like and that’s a massive part of who I am as a human so it’s like yeah um.

30:26.26
Ingrid Morgan
I.

30:35.91
Ingrid Morgan
Um, the name mask similar.

30:37.73
katrinamcollier
But ah, it’s kind of funny because he doesn’t believe in it because he’s very scientific. It’s his own trauma but yet does because he’ll go have you got one of those feelings about this and that was it really amuses me That’s like you don’t believe in any of this stuff because yeah, but have you got one of your funny feelings like it makes me giggle. But you know.

30:39.62
Ingrid Morgan
Are.

30:46.57
Ingrid Morgan
Um, it’s sometimes more right to have you set. Um.

30:56.99
katrinamcollier
But that’s it. It’s just stuff isn’t it. Um, thank you? Um I know because we we had the preconversation you’re a bit hesitant. You’re like I’m not sure I can talk about this Sam Mark I’m pretty sure we can. Um.

31:05.83
Ingrid Morgan
Um I I didn’t want to think you to think that I had ah an exact answer but we’ve we’ve talked about that isn’t like an answer is there and I’m still going through the door. Um.

31:12.62
katrinamcollier
There is no like no which is why I want to tell all these stories I just want to keep telling people stories and everyone like because it it’ll be 1 little thing that clicks for 1 person and they go oh okay, um.

31:23.49
Ingrid Morgan
Yeah, yeah, and if I can place that helps someone else then? fantastic.

31:28.20
katrinamcollier
And that’s why I mean I’ve learned from this you know, just to make sure my next partner its the open communication. No, there’s been other things you know about your book and so on there’s always is always learning like you said doesn’t Um, if people want to get in touch with you. What’s the best place.

31:44.55
Ingrid Morgan
Um, yeah, as not.

31:47.60
katrinamcollier
To find you is it Linkedin or yeah.

31:48.20
Ingrid Morgan
I guess I guess Linkedin yeah because I’ve just got my my personal profile on there. So Ingrid Morgan I don’t think that there’s lots of us I work for yeah Rin Brinham Bianko um or they can find us that our mutual connection. Yeah yeah, always happy for.

31:52.54
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, no, it’s great name. Nice and unusual like mine.

32:04.49
katrinamcollier
Yeah, easy. Oh that’s amazing. Thank you so much for coming on and being so open. It’s being absolutely brilliant. Oh that’s kind. Thanks. Ah, thank you? ah.

32:05.30
Ingrid Morgan
Get in touch. Definitely you fantastic I look forward to listening to some of your other episodes as well to hear some of your other guests and good luck with that Memoir I will be buying a big Chris Phil

32:21.59
katrinamcollier
Thank you Lia I’m honored.