What if there isn’t an answer?
What happens when you haven’t got an answer or, worse, say the wrong thing? It’s awkward. That feeling of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Or the dry mouth that comes with an empty head of replies.
Answerable: able to be answered. Answer: to say or write something as a reaction to someone or something.
A close friend is in a load of 💩 because they said the wrong thing in reply to a situation they have never experienced and don’t understand. They lacked empathy because they couldn’t relate. They cannot imagine what it’s like, and now they’re in the dog house until their sibling’s anger subsides.
As an unhealed child abuse survivor, they are disconnected from their emotions; their go-to response is logic. They have to reason, make sense, and problem-solve because as a child their emotions were invalidated by their abuser. They even shared that sometimes they don’t even know what they’re feeling so how can they empathise with another? However, they are kind and even if they could relate, sometimes words are hard to find. Now one is upset and one is angry.
Hoping I could help, they asked what I’d say. I was at a loss and to this unfunny situation, I replied jokingly, ‘Thoughts and prayers,’ to which we both made gagging sounds. 🤢
After we got past my Aussie-default-to-humour-in-any-bad-situation-reaction (oops 🫣) we agreed that not replying was the least destructive path forward. They are better to wait for the anger to diffuse.
To answer or not to answer
Right now, people seem set on destroying the planet, their countries and others’ freedoms. Many are suffering on macro or micro levels and too often there simply aren’t words or adequate words. Politics, -isms and phobias, and all manner of differences are dividing friends and families, making it as uncomfortable as the seating arrangement at Jimmy Carter’s funeral! [🎧 NSFW]
For many, it is easy to feel like you don’t know what to say or that you’ll say the wrong thing.
For wisdom, I defer to Doctor Ramani: here speaking about the LA fires but it’s apt for so many situations. [Trigger warning]
- Don’t bright side people
- Be there and/or check-in.
More advice from another favourite, Dr Nicole LePera, who shared that we go into fixer mode ‘because we are uncomfortable!’ This is done by ‘giving unsolicited advice, blaming them for how they react or for their own choices, trying to fix the problem, going into your own stories or experiences, or talking about your own emotions’.
Confronting! Hand on heart, we have all done some of these, right?
Instead, in the post Dr LePera suggests we:
- Listen
- Don’t judge
- Validate
- Let them find their own solutions
- Ask, ‘How can I support you?’
And as the Instagram algorithm is actually serving me up what I want to see at the moment – how refreshing – this reel from Simon Sinek about the power of checking in is timely. It’s sage advice for those asking for help, too.
[P.S. He did respond to her texts to say he was busy, which is unclear in this snippet.]
Answering too fast
As an HSP, I see the big picture and multiple solutions to any situation at a rapid rate of knots, which can make me annoying to non-HSPs. Without a doubt, I have lost friends because I have been too opinionated, pushy or in ‘fixer mode’ when they needed an ear; especially when I started my healing journey and wanted everyone to do the same.
I’m taking this as a reminder to always wait to be asked for a solution or advice!