What If It’s Not Guilt You’re Feeling?

What if the feeling of guilt is something else?

What if it’s regret that you are dimming your inner light?

The one you are hiding under a bushel to appease other people.

People who leave you feeling guilty as they happily dash your hopes and dreams.

The ones benefitting from your lack of boundaries and people-pleasing.

Or the other ones who make you feel guilty with, ‘But she’s your Mum!’ 😠

Shimmer ✨

I was reminded last week of how far I have come and how far my light reaches.

A comment on my post celebrating the 5th anniversary of Edition 1 of The Robot-Proof Recruiter moved me to tears. A breathtaking wave of gooey emotion because the achievement of my books is the least of it; stoking my light is my true achievement.

I called my memoir The Damage of Words because my mother uses words as weapons, intentionally choosing the ones that can inflict the most harm. Barbed, they buried under my skin and took years of self-work to release. With old age and distance, the venom of her words has lessened in number and frequency, but even if heard, they no longer dim my light.

Being called awesome by someone I respect as much as Toby is lovely, but, as anyone who has ever tried to compliment me knows, I tend to ignore “words”. Only people’s actions matter to me; people’s behaviour shows me their truth.

Hence, ‘I wouldn’t have written my book if it wasn’t for you.’ brings tears to my eyes!

🤯 WTF!

😮 Wow!

I gasped, realising that if I’d not done the self-work, Talent Intelligence, may not exist.

Hiding my light

This above is just one of the book’s many 5-star reviews, but this article is not about my claiming glory for Toby’s work or blowing my own trumpet. It is about my startling realisation and the guilt that could have stopped me before I started because people who gain from keeping you small want you to stay small.

From age 3, I learned to place my mother’s needs first in an attempt to feel safe and loved.

The futility of trying to please an abusive covert narcissist led to deep-seated self-hatred and an exterior that was prickly and defensive. I became a lost teenager and twenty-something, attracting unhealthy relationships that layered on more self-hatred. I had few friends, and I would not have inspired anyone to do anything as extraordinary, hard or time-consuming as writing their first book. (Yes, Toby, first! 🤪)

I was on an emotional rollercoaster, and the guilt from both my mother and the pressure of others and society kept me in the path of destruction. It took many attempts before I permanently severed contact and created genuine emotional safety for myself.

Finding my light

Entering my thirties and relocating to the UK helped, but ended in a failed marriage (though he remains the best ex-husband I’ve got! 😅). Thankfully, though, a chance introduction led me to Michelle Zelli and the start of a 12-year journey from a self-loathing victim of child abuse to overcoming complex PTSD and finding self-love and self-mastery.

As I healed, my light grew brighter and my voice louder. I began blogging, tweeting (back when it was a lovely place), and speaking. My confidence in my opinions grew as I became a sought-after keynote speaker on global stages, and eventually, I was asked to write a book. In a few weeks, my second business book, Reboot Hiring, will be published, too.

As I healed my core wound and connected with my inner child, any guilt at taking care of myself first evaporated. The mist cleared, and in its place came acceptance: I will never make Mum happy or receive her approval.

Not yearning for her approval was liberating because I no longer received harsh criticism and unkindness when I tried or wasted energy building myself up again. Instead, I find it takes little energy to create my own happiness. I seek only my own approval, and I have gained a trusty tribe of supporters who guide and cheer me on.

I no longer feel guilt about choosing myself over my mother’s (self) destructive behaviour because I understand the source of the patterns she runs and the games she plays. I would feel more guilty today if I listened to those who said, ‘But she’s your mother!’ and wanted me to stay in the path of destruction.

My job isn’t to be blackmailed by an emotionally immature parent or try to satisfy a covert narcissist. Nor is it to appease people who think I owe my mother my precious time, love or attention.

Shine brightly

My job, no my soul’s mission, is to shine brightly. To spread light, joy and love far and wide. To inspire others to take their first or perhaps a different step towards feeling worthy, whole, happy, loved, and so much more.

I know my light impacts those around me and I now know my light spreads far further than I could ever have imagined.

Dimming my light due to the guilt inflicted by others and returning to emanating resentment and sadness would be a disservice to the world.

It would be a disservice to me, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Instead, I will shine brightly and share my journey.

Maybe it will inspire you to shine your light brightly, too.

💛✨