Quietly quixotic

My father was born in 1929 and as a teenager in Australia vividly remembered World War 2.

My father was Jewish—he passed in 2022—and, due to his German-sounding surname, was heavily persecuted during the war. Though he’d state it was for other reasons, he Anglicised his surname by deed poll the moment he could.

My mother was born in 1938 and is Anglican, therefore I am. However, I was frequently told never to tell anyone that I am half Jewish.

Their fear was palpable. They believed that I would be taken away if history repeated itself; if ethnic cleansing reared its ugly head once more.

A child of the 1970s, with an Anglicised maiden name, I never felt the fear my father experienced. I remember studying the war’s horror at school and to this day I feel immense gratitude that my great-grandparents left Krakow for London in 1899.

Inciting division

This week, though, I shuddered and experienced a moment of fear.

I witnessed a man with far too much influence over people’s lives behave questionably at the inauguration of another divisive figure.

Though many choose to doubt the gesture, I will defer to Paul Lapido’s eloquently written post:

“When racists show you who they are, believe them the first time. In case you missed it, Elon gave a salute during 47’s inauguration. Many are accusing him of racism and anti-semitism. Some dismiss it as an accident. Others are saying it was a Roman salute (which is still a fascist salute). Regardless, his reputation precedes him. Here’s why:

👉🏾 Musk is a descendant of apartheid and N*** sympathizers.

👉🏾 When Musk took over Twitter, racist, sexist, homophobic, and anti-semitic speech skyrocketed on the app under the guise of “protecting free speech”.

👉🏾 He is a key figure in the anti-DEI movement, claiming racism against white people. How convenient that a man with supremacist ties does not want to learn about how he continues to benefit from racism and colonization.

👉🏾 Musk is a supporter of MEI, which is a form of white-collar discrimination that completely overlooks the barriers racially marginalized folks and other historically excluded populations have faced.

So when Elon gets to saluting, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I am tired of people excusing Musk and 47’s behavior. At this point, just come out and say it: you either sympathize with their bigotry or don’t think it will affect you. WWII Germany literally gave us the blueprint on what happens when people get complacent. But not enough folks want to listen until it’s too late.”

Perhaps because I am 50% European Jewish and took a DNA test, making me easy to locate and even vanquish, I shuddered. Even though I live in the UK, I shuddered because this figure is stirring up hatred and division worldwide.

Musk profits from the hatred and division on Twitter, just like Zuckerberg will on Meta, hence his recent behaviour and actions.

Weaponising neurodivergence

However, I am not here to debate whether this arm gesture was intentional or not, because something else happened: people started blaming Musk’s behaviour on his Aspergers.

My LinkedIn feed flooded with indignation from those diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (the preferred term) who state that they know right from wrong!

Agreed, don’t you dare blame this on ASD.

Someone I know was diagnosed 30 years ago and also knows right from wrong. They may miss social cues, avoid direct eye contact, become obsessive and deliver an intense and detailed monotoned monologue, but they know right from wrong. They know not to “accidentally” use a polarising arm gesture, twice.

So, how about we stop weaponising neural differences?

Just because people’s brains are wired differently doesn’t mean they have a disorder. They simply think differently. Maybe they bother others because they think critically or literally, ask unexpected questions or challenge the status quo. Maybe it’s because they are harder to brainwash programme.

Maybe I’m being quixotic, but as an HSP, I would like to offer an alternate possibility.

Projected self-hate

Musk’s behaviour is like that which comes when the wound from child abuse remains open. When someone is driven by intense self-loathing and shame. When they are not connected to their inner child. When they are emotionally dysregulated.

I quoted previously, ‘As a child, Musk was relentlessly bullied, physically and mentally, and was sent to a wilderness camp which was like a “paramilitary Lord of the Flies”. After his parents split, he went to live with his dad in Pretoria which he regretted. “He was lonely . . . he used his psychological ways on me. It turned out to be a really bad idea,” says Musk.’

When I was riddled with self-loathing and shame from emotional and physical child abuse, I tore others down to feel better. I was drawn to other self-loathing victims. My behaviour was that of an erratic teenager. Self-destructive. Vile. Self-hatred drove my behaviour.

You may have seen me share the addiction tree below before.

The roots of the addiction tree are shame, denial, victim/victimizer, disabled will, and low self-worth. The behaviours on the limbs are driven by these roots and caused by the experiences detailed in the soil.

47, Vance, Musk… all endured child abuse or generational trauma.

They exhibit unresolved complex PTSD.

Projecting self-hate.

Amassing self-hating followers.

Targeting non-conformists and the woke (i.e. those who heal) to feel better.

Musk appears to be trying to fill his emptiness with money and the adoration of others.

If I’m right about the unhealed child abuse, he won’t fill it.

Quixotic or not

To be crystal clear, I am not condoning or excusing his (or the other’s) behaviour.

I’m expressing that the only way to defeat this hatred is to understand its source, which is a clue as to why others idolise him. As Michael Kimmel explains in his book Angry White Men, even though it is these rich white men who make their lives hard, their followers believe the rhetoric, and project their self-hatred onto those less fortunate.

So what can we do?

In the wise words of Martin Luther King Jr., “Hate begets hate; violence begets violence; toughness begets a greater toughness. We must meet the forces of hate with the power of love.”

Where we may wish to turn away from people who hate our wokeness, maybe it’s better to find a way to understand the source of their pain and open their eyes to an alternative point of view. 47’s reaction to Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budle’s sermon demonstrates that they won’t listen to us, so we can only lead by example.

We heal our stuff and hope they are motivated by our change. They see how at peace we seem when we have self-love, kindness and compassion and decide they want it to.

Healing my self-hate transformed my world and those close to me saw it.

My light lights their light.

Maybe it is quixotic or maybe it is the only way to fight this darkness.

Relighting one soul at a time.

💛