People-pleasing: please stop it!

Publishing this between Christmas and New Year may be the silliest thing to do during the festive season but this wanted to be out of my body and left in 2024.

If I could get people to stop one thing, it would be people-pleasing!

It’s so destructive.

It never ends well.

And I’ll share this example, though it was not my finest hour. 🫣

An incident of people-pleasing

I’ve never really had a great people-pleasing story to tell about its insidiousness until now because I am not a people-pleaser! As I detail in The Damage of Words – publishing on May 27 – I learned while healing my child abuse to quit any form of people-pleasing.

I use clear, firm boundaries and nip things in the bud.

This people-pleasing blew me away because I was unaware I was on the receiving end of it until after I had pissed the people-pleaser off and was sacked as a client!! Don’t get me wrong, I am not playing the victim card. It’s too fascinating for that.

How the people-pleasing began:

• My nails started throwing their acrylic coating, products were changed, and appointments were extended. I didn’t ask for the extra time, but the price went up a little so I gathered it all sorted itself out. I kept returning every 3 weeks so I assumed she knew I was happy. 🤷
• To fix broken nails (my fault) she added nail tips. Some readers may know these have a cost; naively I didn’t. The price wasn’t mentioned. Not a word was said the next time either. Finally, she spoke up; it’s not a huge amount but when I’d thought it was part of the service, I commented (also because I realised she had previously added one to a bill without my understanding what it was for, it simply said tip). We also agreed that it would be easy to miss on Fresha, where hundreds of prices are listed due to the restrictive nature of the beauty app.
• From removing the gel coating on my toenails as part of the pedicure, suddenly I was asked to pay £7. It seemed a lot when she uses a tool to zap them off in about 60 seconds. Plus, it had always been included, and there had already been a significant price hike. I commented. (In my defence, it’s been a tough year; every penny counts!)

To summarise: time was extended without my asking for it, nail tips were added without simply being asked if I’d like them for £2.50 each (I’d have said no as I have long nail beds), and the cost for the removal of toenail gel should have also been mentioned at the start.

The inevitable people-pleasing fallout

What led to the fallout was a series of messages where I offered my opinion on the 21% price increase on one of her services – which also dropped a £30 part so effectively went up £55. I didn’t swear. I voiced a disagreeing opinion that she found rude. I made my case, but pointing out this, IMHO, glaringly obvious fact, made her uncomfortable.

She hit back and mentioned the extra time given to ‘make me happy’, the nail tips and the gel removal. 🤨

Initially, I was upset because I’d annoyed her. My inner child was distraught; tears flowed. But as I have gained an enormous toolkit and self-mastery, I started looking at the situation from every angle.

She didn’t mention the free treatment she gave me so she could obtain a new certification. She didn’t mention the cuticle oil she unexpectedly gave me recently. She didn’t mention using the non-smelling cuticle oil to counter my HSP sensitivity. Perhaps I expressed sufficient thanks for these things.

She only mentioned things she had chosen to do or give me that I didn’t ask for or realise had a cost. Things I didn’t know to appreciate.

💡 The penny dropped! OMG, I was on the receiving end of people-pleasing!

People pleaser: someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them, and always wants others to approve of their actions. – Cambridge Dictionary

Placing myself in her shoes, I felt the growing resentment. I reflected on how often I’d not expressed gratitude for all of these freebies. In the reverse, I would have also felt the same but thankfully I use boundaries.

Lessons

In any upset, there are lessons to be learned. I knew I had run a pattern of behaviour, so I went looking for mine.

• I didn’t know I was receiving ‘freebies’ – unlike the cuticle oil, for example – so I didn’t express gratitude for those things. In the future, I will ask if there is a cost associated with any unexpected extras rather than assuming there is not.
• Be wary of quipping in “humour” because I can come across as an a*hole and even if they speak openly about their business and pricing, they may not want my opinion.
• Lean towards compassion over voicing judgment: as a child, if I spoke up I was silenced or not helped; as an adult, I wish to be heard so speak freely. Too freely. Some value that directness, but plenty don’t. I must take a beat, I will be heard better if I breathe first.

Hopefully, you see the lessons for the people-pleaser too.

• Don’t assume that people know your pricelist intimately; it is on you to speak up and tell your clients about additional costs at the beginning.
• If you choose to add extra time, don’t presume your client has realised the extent of it and will be grateful for it; people-pleasing always leads to resentment.
• Don’t expect people to always suck it up when things they thought were part of the service suddenly have a cost, because you created the situation by not speaking up at the start.
• Disconnect your self-worth from your services because if you don’t, you will re-run this pattern and resentment can be destructive to our physical and mental health.

To avoid future upsets, I will keep my eyes peeled for potential people-pleasing, and with any provider, I will now ask rather than assume it’s included in the service.

Life sure is an interesting journey.

💛