Ep. 5: Getting Beyond Grief with Steve Usher

 

Unedited Transcript with Steve Usher

00:36.32
Steve usher welcome to beyond the damage of words podcast which I managed to say this time which is awesome. Um, so exciting to talk to you of course have known you for years and I must.

00:41.10
Steve Usher
That’s cool.

00:46.60
Steve Usher
Well done all done.

00:53.91
katrinamcollier
Thank you and Chris wo for getting me onto design thinking which is the business side of everything we talk about. However, of course we’ve always straight off onto the with and wonderful and you’ve seen my gifts firsthand which is actually you’re one of the few I’m coming out. Um, but I wanted to talk to you about your journey and your healing so without further ado.

01:11.81
Steve Usher
Mm let’s go. Um, yeah I mean I you know what? I um I thought about this a lot over over over the years and and the journey that I’ve been on.

01:13.63
katrinamcollier
What led you to start working on yourself. What prompted it did You have a big a-ha moment or it was just a.

01:29.39
Steve Usher
And it was. It’s just such a triangulation of things that came together for me so I was like 38 39 um that year or my you know my dad had had a very long journey with cancer and that kind of my thirty ninth year

01:32.43
katrinamcollier
And.

01:42.89
katrinamcollier
No.

01:48.14
Steve Usher
Was the year where he kind of just you know just he passed at the end of that year and I think during that journey with him it calls out a lot of stuff I mean when you know that a parent is going to die and it’s going on a slow regressive kind of journey.

01:50.58
katrinamcollier
I have.

02:02.98
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

02:06.80
Steve Usher
It started. Of course it’s going to off tilt you and make you question certain things and so this kind of immortality thing kicks in and then in addition to that from a triangle kind of piece I also had I was coming up to 40 and I’d had a business for 16

02:16.39
katrinamcollier
And. Yeah, it is a milestone.

02:26.19
Steve Usher
Bloody is and I wasn’t expecting it and I wasn’t expecting the amount of disruption it was going to create. Um and I do recommend that anybody in this phase of life is to definitely just surround yourself with good people for that period because it can. It can have ah an.

02:28.15
katrinamcollier
That.

02:43.12
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

02:45.62
Steve Usher
Really big impact but it was happening I mean I was 39 it’s a reality of where we are and then also as well I was like 16 years into a business and I was just you know I I’ve always said it I was blessed every day waking up I I love what I did like I loved it passionate driven you know and then just one day I woke because I don’t I don’t.

02:52.12
katrinamcollier
Are.

02:59.31
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

03:05.27
Steve Usher
Um, not enjoying this and I don’t want to be here and I lost that passion for what I was doing and that all happened in about a twelve month stretch so that combination of these things happening completely with like it removed my foundation.

03:07.81
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

03:15.80
katrinamcollier
That’s what led to? yeah. Are.

03:22.36
Steve Usher
In so in so many levels that have been so solid for so long. Um, so that was I would say in in a long and short. Um answer to your question that was what triggered it? Um, so quite profound.

03:30.35
katrinamcollier
Yeah I I see I think it’s really good that it was at that age though I think there’s this funny thing I hear all the time was oh I’m so old. Oh I’ve left it too late I wish I fell into it at 40 I genuinely fell into healing at 40

03:38.20
Steve Usher
M.

03:48.84
Steve Usher
Mm.

03:49.26
katrinamcollier
You know now twelve years later I’m so like and I don’t look back and go gosh I wish it was the time and I think that’s one of the it was the time that’s when.

03:52.83
Steve Usher
Yes, it was and you know I like to put ah a spin on on a spin but whether it’s ah trying to make myself feel good or whether it’s just a thing but I know but it was a thing with my dad I was actually.

04:05.51
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

04:07.86
Steve Usher
You know the but the the 1 thing I’d say about my dad is he made the big calls in life and at the right time and I’ve subsequently done that and I think it was kind of his I like to think it was his parting gift to me to be like hey son like make some changes like i.

04:10.84
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, and.

04:21.50
katrinamcollier
And.

04:27.75
Steve Usher
You know? yeah and it’s going to be quite monumental to say the least so brace yourself it was and still is and quite incredible. Yeah, our last eight years has been insane.

04:28.20
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, and it was ah it still is yeah, all for the good It probably didn’t seem it at the time. So when you got to that point that you’re like okay but I need help. Like this isn’t going to Plan. What did you do like did did you have that reality of like oh my gosh I need help or or did you kind of slide your way into it slowly. Yeah was it a denial.

04:48.60
Steve Usher
Um.

04:51.38
Steve Usher
No, not not a not a first. Um, so yeah, and and you know this thing grief. You know my dad passed in in the December and um, just after term 40 in the october and that following year. Ah, just tried to struggle on I mean you just tried to get on with it right? And then you know it was yeah this grief thing and the way and the work that I did post or post the work that I did in the work and kind of articulate it to you is like it was.

05:10.30
katrinamcollier
And.

05:21.78
katrinamcollier
The.

05:24.58
Steve Usher
Inside of me and around me and it was a depth bright in my like my chest and really deep. It was this sadness and grief that I I just couldn’t I mean I’d never had anything like it before and you know I mean you know I mean we know each other very well but you know Nina and I have ah an amazing relationship. My wife.

05:30.52
katrinamcollier
And um, couldn’t shift.

05:37.20
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

05:42.99
Steve Usher
And that was I can say that’s the only moment in our in our time together where we’ve actually had some challenges because you just said to me Daley you you you need some help and that was in the following year ah

05:51.75
katrinamcollier
Yeah, you’ve built you were building a wall probably between the 2 of you.

05:57.89
Steve Usher
Yeah I am well just my behavior the way I was withdrawn I was down I was yeah, all the things that kind of come with it and yeah and and interestingly oh God mancave yeah mancave yeah mancave always.

06:04.36
katrinamcollier
Um, does that actually I talked about that with Jeff way that’s not men show isn’t it. They just shot pull a head in like a turtle man caveve. Ah, yeah, yeah.

06:14.83
Steve Usher
And and I recognize my mancave now more than ever um and but the thing is it’s a necessary. It’s a necessary place to go to and as of course, what if you’ve got that level of understanding and from as from Nina with my partner. She knows when I go into a man caveve. That’s it’s a process sometimes and um, that’s also important. Um.

06:19.91
katrinamcollier
For a time and.

06:32.38
Steve Usher
But yeah I mean you know, ah you know obviously as you know I moved to Sweden and um and I was back in London and I was struggling at that time and I was standing back in crouch end in North London where we lived and I was standing in my favorite coffee shop I ordered a flat wire as usual.

06:37.50
katrinamcollier
Um, ah yeah, ah.

06:49.77
Steve Usher
And I was standing there waiting for my coffee and the girl behind the counter who I who I knew from before we were just chatting I was just standing there and I was like God I need I think I need to find some help a coach I think I need a coach I need to find someone who’s gonna help me and then all of a sudden I looked.

06:52.78
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

07:02.49
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

07:08.60
Steve Usher
Across the coffee shop and out of the toilet came Kirsty and Kirsty and I had connected but we never quite connected. We were meant to talk but it never happened and then we moved to Sweden and.

07:10.45
katrinamcollier
Here.

07:19.95
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah, ah.

07:23.22
Steve Usher
Serendipity and this moment happened and and she said oh hey Steve how are you I’m good. How sweetden great but but but and I said to her what are you up to these and she said oh I’m a I’m a coach and I help people with you know, various things and I was like you are kidding me. Yeah amazing.

07:24.80
katrinamcollier
A.

07:33.54
katrinamcollier
Yeah, ah Synchronicity I talk about that in the book when the universe is prodigy and it’s like putting all the signs in front of you and it’s like wake up, it’s in front of you. Yeah.

07:42.52
Steve Usher
It’s amazing.

07:48.54
Steve Usher
Yeah, yeah, yeah, crazy and then we had it and then we booked an hour session I went to a house. We sat down and it was really funny because she had tissues I remember this she had tissues on the ah on the table I didn’t spot them at first.

07:49.66
katrinamcollier
Amazing. Yeah, oh.

08:00.65
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

08:01.11
Steve Usher
And we had an hour and I I just completely broke down I mean it was in pieces and the relief even in that moment just how much I’d I’d held onto it. Um, yeah madness I remember phoning Nina afterwards taking a walk and just like sobbing and being like.

08:04.87
katrinamcollier
Yeah to get that energy out. Yeah.

08:20.67
Steve Usher
Ah, lot apologizing I’m so sorry I like this this this journey it was just the release it was mad um of what went went for.

08:25.60
katrinamcollier
It is a release. Do You think some of that botling is that stiff upper Lip. No very British thing as and it hold it Inside. Don’t cry was there some of that going on as well. So that you know you felt that enormous like oh I’m not carrying this now you know women are more inclined to like talk it out. Cried out. Do You think some of it’s that that makes men go in the caves And yeah.

08:47.90
Steve Usher
Hundred percent I mean I think the thing is I’ve also been on ah like a self-discovery journey these last eight years and and and I’d say part of that. So the the short answer to that question is yes, definitely I would say like my my pre- 40 s ah mancave don’t talk about it just get on with it.

09:04.54
katrinamcollier
Um, just pretend all as well put a mask up.

09:06.89
Steve Usher
It’s okay, it’ll pass. Um, but but but but I think one of the things about moving abroad and when I moved to Sweden here in Stockholm and what I didn’t fully appreciate when you move abroad is you remove everything. So.

09:12.93
katrinamcollier
And.

09:20.11
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

09:22.70
Steve Usher
Every single automated thing like where do you get a pizza where do you get where where’s the best pharmacy to go to the doctor I mean everything we take for granted now which is in an automation phase is new like you have to figure it or but how do I get a bus from a to b the amount of times I went in the wrong direction on the bus initially.

09:32.82
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, oh I good. You’re reminding me of the um cheese ale insanes sprees I just remember standing there going. It’s not like this in Australia like I was overwhelmed I just wanted some cheddar and I just I remember that feeling of being so lost over cheese and the cheese ile that’s so funny. You said that that’s the memory I had no see you said you you got on buses the wrong way. Did you? That’s even worse. Ah.

09:48.26
Steve Usher
Oh yeah, good luck with that.

09:58.18
Steve Usher
Yeah, and it’s and it’s and but yeah, oh yeah, kept doing that all the time it was driving me crazy. Um, but but what it, but what it did for me and I think this is the learning for people. And and and the thing is I did a dramatic change to do this. So I appreciate. Everyone’s in Hamster Wheels and doing their thing every day and but I think what I enabled myself to do moving into a new country was was I had so much time to myself like so much time and at first it was so uncomfortable I was like my God I Ah um, feel really lonely I feel a bit.

10:15.31
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:26.33
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

10:30.55
Steve Usher
And then all of a sudden through this work I was like hang on a minute I got time to work on myself and go inward. So why don’t I use this now while I can before I get settled and build friendships in Sweden and these things and get into that process again.

10:35.97
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, ah yeah.

10:45.70
Steve Usher
And that’s what I did I just went on this crazy journey with Kirsty for like six months it was the most incredible transformational thing for me. Amazing.

10:51.35
katrinamcollier
What what was it like sitting in the feeling because Jeff way talked about this as well like it’s uncomfortable for men to sit in their emotions. What was that like in that silent how it how did you find the strength to get through that I mean it’s yeah. That sounds much more painful than it is.

11:10.58
Steve Usher
Yeah, you know what I think I it it is hard but I I do cut sinner myself a little bit connected to myself anyway and I just for me I was in a place where I was quite broken.

11:27.45
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

11:29.30
Steve Usher
So actually I just opened up anyway and then just realized just how much work I needed to do and went on that journey and and the thing is everything we did ah particularly with the grief thing of moving it from inside of me into a ball that I could touch and feel and have.

11:43.31
katrinamcollier
Ah.

11:46.75
katrinamcollier
Oh I Love that.

11:48.20
Steve Usher
Maybe control of but just to kind of bring it out and and and love it and and and appreciate it and take the learning from it and and it’s still here today like I can so it’s here right here right now like that’s the grief of my dad and it’s it’s not in me as much anymore. Of course it’s a moment in time.

11:55.46
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

12:04.47
katrinamcollier
Yeah, it’s somewhat It’s almost like when we talk about the inner child. Don’t we we talk about your inner child of self and on ah normal calls which are meant to be about work but never ah, it’s almost like the grief is like that you can.

12:06.44
Steve Usher
And tremendous learning and process to get it there.

12:20.10
katrinamcollier
Oh okay, so I’m feeling sad today. So what? just the grief need it sounds like you’re almost like what do I and therefore you’re giving that to yourself that comfort and that nurturing and that sounds amazing. M.

12:20.69
Steve Usher
Um.

12:22.12
Steve Usher
Yeah.

12:28.51
Steve Usher
Yeah, the man and the boy I mean the man and the boy I mean it happened it might my boy you know appears regularly and I know we we’ve gone I Just give it a cuddle. It’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay, um, but yeah, no I It’s all part of it. Um.

12:35.97
katrinamcollier
Yeah, everyone’s does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so what was the most eye-opening moment you had was it through that I know obviously I’ve seen you doing you’ve done crazy like breathing techniques and knife bass and all sorts. But.

12:44.13
Steve Usher
All part of it.

12:52.64
Steve Usher
Yeah.

12:54.54
katrinamcollier
What’s been your most amazing thing that you’ve done and you’ve got wow like Paul it can be more than one you’re allowed to share as many as you wish because we fit in the 30 minutes ah yeah yeah,

12:59.59
Steve Usher
Ors. Okay, so the thing is um, once yeah, so once I mean the thing the amazing thing about this is when you start you want to keep going curate I mean for me, it’s like just growth and keep going keep going keep learning keep keep adapting keep developing.

13:13.23
katrinamcollier
And.

13:16.44
Steve Usher
And and I’d say one of the most profound moments for me was well one of them I share a few kirsty. She got me to ah basically I took ah ah we we have a we have a boat and we took a boat I took a boat out to um.

13:18.98
katrinamcollier
Can both.

13:34.39
Steve Usher
An island in near where down in the summerhouse and it was like literally just went out to this Island I spent time there on my own and I did a ceremony for my dad and it was like I built a fire I wrote loads of stuff down like stuff I want to tell stuff I want to just let go of and forgive and do all these things.

13:35.86
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

13:45.13
katrinamcollier
Are ah.

13:52.36
katrinamcollier
Okay, yeah, um.

13:53.40
Steve Usher
And then I just sat there and burnt them and did that whole process and then strip naked and then jumped in the lake and just lay there with the sky just like you know lying there just you know as a human in ah in a lake and that was part of that building. Um.

14:01.89
katrinamcollier
Amazing Letting it all go. Yeah.

14:10.80
Steve Usher
The other one as well and let’s not forget. This is that there are childhood elements that really do come into play and lots lots of things that get called out particularly if you don’t have that opportunity to talk about those things before a passing of a parent it can and not in all instances. But in my instance it got it got called out and.

14:16.68
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

14:26.14
katrinamcollier
Um, ah f.

14:29.66
Steve Usher
I just remembered doing this meditative kind of therapy session with Kirsty and um my god I went back to my childhood home and did some crazy crazy reconnecting into that feeling of that child being 7 or 8 Um.

14:33.25
katrinamcollier
I.

14:40.34
katrinamcollier
A.

14:46.60
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

14:47.30
Steve Usher
Where are my parents placed in the house where is my sister placed. What do I associate my sister to who was upstairs and laughter and joking I Always associate my sister who we always have we always do joke together. It’s the kind of scous thing that we have um yeah and then just realizing then using that kind of ah approach to kind of go. What’s with that relationship.

14:55.38
katrinamcollier
Ah, um, there.

15:06.13
Steve Usher
At that point when you need that relationship. Um, what was it giving you and I’d never I’d never even thought about going back to our house in Liverpool as a 7 year old through the eyes of me as a seven year old and making those connections again. Um I was in pieces after that. But I also helped me realize what was missing in my relationship.

15:06.89
katrinamcollier
And.

15:14.48
katrinamcollier
Um, ah yeah.

15:22.51
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

15:25.91
Steve Usher
And that was that was that was really profound for me because it helped me heal that and go. Okay, yeah.

15:30.42
katrinamcollier
Exactly yeah I mean in the and I assume Kirsty did the same as Michelle did with me. There was a safety in that session when you went back, you’re not because it’s like yes I mean I cried like you cried and you released and you’re like you’re a bit shocked and like.

15:42.15
Steve Usher
Um.

15:43.85
Steve Usher
M.

15:48.13
katrinamcollier
Gosh you know realizing my father’s role and not protecting me like how I was abandoned and that was that was quite profound as well. Not just I knew what mum had done um, but there was that safety did you feel the same that I did there was sort of like you’d always leave lighter like I I often felt like I was walking like three feet above the air. So I might have had this whole hour and a half of like sobbing uncontrollably as I released all of the feeling did you feel that yeah, it’s amazing. Isn’t it. Yeah.

16:10.71
Steve Usher
Um, yeah, always um and these sessions anything from this kind of session as you mentioned that like stuff like breath work like breath I encourage anyone. And I will say this to any man listening today. Go and do breathwork. It’s there isn’t a session I have every session I walk out going. Oh my god I’ve been from crying to clarity to feeling light. There is no 2 sessions the same and it’s.

16:26.60
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

16:37.11
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:43.28
Steve Usher
It’s amazing and it’s a really good like maintenance one. So it’s a good one of just keeping in the flow consistency of just having that ability to release because we hold on to so much like we hold on to it and breathwood allows you just to empty some of the some not all but some of that out.

16:51.70
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah I could just brave it out. Yeah, ah yeah.

16:59.62
Steve Usher
Um, so I would encourage anyone like wim hof on Youtube if you want to give it a go just try the taster I’ll just seek out like ah, a breath workplace and just go go and do it by by 6 sessions just give it your best shot relax go with it see what happens and I guarantee you you’ll get something from it for sure I think that.

17:07.89
katrinamcollier
Here? yeah.

17:18.10
katrinamcollier
That’s amazing. Isn’t it that fear I Just love that feeling of light because there’s always that weird fear that I hear from some people like they’re holding onto their trauma or they’re holding onto whatever it is I mean it mightn’t be as dramatic as trauma but they’re holding on really tightly thinking I can’t let this go What will.

17:18.93
Steve Usher
Yeah, yeah.

17:25.48
Steve Usher
And.

17:30.87
Steve Usher
Yeah.

17:35.33
katrinamcollier
Take its place and like you know, love light feeling happy like something completely different as well.

17:39.30
Steve Usher
Yep yep, and and I would say and um, this will also get to my point as well as you know if I’ve off followed you know, um.

17:51.41
Steve Usher
Various coaches I’ve done some coactive coaching with Chris here in Stockholm different type of coaching very interesting really helped me I think there was another one with Donna ah coactive coaching. Um and it’s it’s a very. It’s a very light form of coaching so it’s very on you and it’s a very it’s more like a.

17:55.18
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, so what was that called? Oh what does that mean I.

18:10.29
Steve Usher
Buddying side thing rather than an intervention or healing and it’s a really nice one I liked it. It was it was soft I can describe it as it was a really nice way. Um, and then I think I can’t ah can’t not mention Donna and Cheryl as well who are in the u k um, and they.

18:11.51
katrinamcollier
Okay, I’m just yeah yeah.

18:22.78
katrinamcollier
M.

18:29.19
Steve Usher
Ah, for my work. Um, and ah there are going to be people who I hope well I’m sure we’ll connect to this when you work somewhere or you do a career change and I’d done the same thing or worked with my company for 16 years or ah owned the company for 16 years that was my identity.

18:35.58
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

18:42.35
katrinamcollier
Yeah, um.

18:45.87
Steve Usher
Everyone saw my identityity Steve usher co-found I founder of Cca but but but but there was a whole thing and of course I associated to that and then when I over say I exited I was honestly what the hell am I gonna do like.

18:52.93
katrinamcollier
Ah.

19:00.99
katrinamcollier
Yeah, but the ah yeah, ah.

19:02.13
Steve Usher
Like who am I like and and and they help me they help me and some crazy stuff in my kitchen just you know, envisaging stuff and stepping over barriers and and if someone was looking so my kitchen when I was doing this coaching. They must have thought what is this guy doing like really it was really like acting stuff out is hilarious, but.

19:15.41
katrinamcollier
Ah, it sounds amazing.

19:19.18
katrinamcollier
So was that helping you get but from the behind the mask kind of to see oh tell tell us a bit more like describe what you were doing without going too personal obviously because yeah, but it’s at this sounds amazing because I think there are so many masks.

19:21.28
Steve Usher
It? Yeah yeah, So so what we did Now. Of course it’s okay now no for me, it was so it’s. There’s loads of masks and and and there’s this thing about ah this appreciation of like what I’d achieved up to that point and I just forgot about it all like I just forgot it and then I was like I don’t I’m not good at this I’ve got self sabochars kicking in lacking confidence.

19:38.17
katrinamcollier
Losts.

19:43.11
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, ah wow.

19:51.69
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

19:53.31
Steve Usher
And I’m like oh my god and then they help me walk through that journey of Cca and as I was walking along my kitchen and the timeline I was picking up these but what in my head was boxes of knowledge. What have you done? What have you created like what did you and appreciate all of that stuff and then what was the blocker.

20:06.50
katrinamcollier
Ah, amazing. Yes.

20:10.72
Steve Usher
And I just walked through it and and that enabled me to go like hang on a minute. What are you doing like you got yourself into this hole and I had this hole at the beginning I described this hole where I was in and by the end of the the coaching with them over many months. It was actually paved flat with flowers on it. It was all done like I’m through it.

20:13.27
katrinamcollier
I have all of this.

20:20.25
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah.

20:30.16
Steve Usher
Ah, felt great now could move forward. Yeah, it was good. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, so I would say you know if you you hear a theme here from that moment when I worked with Kirsty and I’d never worked I’d had a like a nonexept directors before.

20:32.44
katrinamcollier
That’s amazing and actually it only took months so it’s actually that’s amazing. Is it it now.

20:46.18
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, um, yeah, it’s different.

20:49.65
Steve Usher
But not like a coach and if you look at any performance tennis player or coaching coaching is a big component mindset how we set ourself up how we think Gabby Bernstein I’ve followed a lot did a lot of her work in the us and you know just the one learning I took from her was.

20:57.20
katrinamcollier
Yeah. Yeah.

21:08.50
Steve Usher
Every day Imagine how we’re seeing the world now is a movie What tape we’re putting in our head and the words we’re using in the narrative and the the tone of that film that we’re projecting out is what we’re getting back and you can choose right now.

21:10.88
katrinamcollier
Yeah.

21:23.15
katrinamcollier
Ah, yeah.

21:26.43
Steve Usher
What tape you want to put in your head right now to project out. How do you want to see the world and I that was a big one for me as well. So I’ve always sought like continually now just seeking different coaches different learning Inputs Um, because the big lesson is everyone You can’t do it on your own.

21:29.70
katrinamcollier
Exactly yeah.

21:38.91
katrinamcollier
I think. You can’t they give you that they give you that time that is just for you know, no matter who I’ve been working with and there’s all different people and right up until now I’m working with Isabel on my spiritual side. It’s my time.

21:45.97
Steve Usher
Count they on your own can’t do on your own.

21:52.29
Steve Usher
M.

22:02.32
katrinamcollier
Like it’s my hour and a half that we’re there to focus on me and it’s like you’ve had your coaches to focus on you and so often you know you are playing the the role of husband and father and business owner and it’s like putting it all out rather than actually going no hang on I need to stock the tank back up.

22:05.10
Steve Usher
M.

22:19.93
Steve Usher
Yes.

22:21.95
katrinamcollier
And it’s funny how um people think it’s selfish to like indulge in something that’s going to help them but I assume that the impact on your wife your kids and your business has been massive as well.

22:37.47
Steve Usher
It’s been massive I mean just the move to Sweden for us has been was a big one and my dad my dad made the these like he was like Liverpool in the 80 s thatcher years. Not great and 84 he was like he said to my mom we need to. There’s nothing here for us and then move to London.

22:40.67
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

22:45.42
katrinamcollier
Yeah, wow.

22:53.44
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, better to explain your accent. Ah.

22:54.51
Steve Usher
And that he I was the same age as him and there you go and then my sister and then my mine I might my I was 9 when I moved to London and then my so my daughter Matilda she was 9 when she moved here. So there’s a really weird kind of interesting timings. But the thing is.

23:03.37
katrinamcollier
Yeah, how interesting thing around nines.

23:13.65
Steve Usher
I’ve that the the relationship I have with my kids they relate and um, my my wife is a big you know she’s a yoga instructor as well and then she does a lot of spiritual work and a lot of ah she’s doing the yeah deepak choppra coaching at the moment and we we both fly we support each other we we doted we journal every day.

23:18.25
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

23:25.85
katrinamcollier
Amazing.

23:31.99
Steve Usher
That’s another big recommendation. Everyone um I remember the first year did that for four or five years ago I was on holiday and then I actually ah your get me four five years ago we we lost about 3 years with covid but anyway, um, it’s always hard to remember the dates.

23:37.29
katrinamcollier
And.

23:49.80
katrinamcollier
I know what happened to the twenty twenty s it’s like you know, then this year feels really long last year felt really quick. This year feels really long like we’re only in August and that was like yeah, it’s all very odd anyway, yeah.

23:49.67
Steve Usher
But anyway I did a year and then I went on holiday. It’s nuts. It’s nuts but then but then I I actually sat and read my journal really quick I know sorry no, but Journaling is is very very good because if you read it back.

24:06.74
katrinamcollier
That might have been eight or nine years she’ve been doing that. Ah.

24:08.88
Steve Usher
Probably um, now he’s after it would have been seven eight yeah whatever anyway, um yeah, no, it’s ah it’s a great. It’s a great thing.

24:12.72
katrinamcollier
Anyway, so do you free write or do you it sounds like when you were releasing the stuff from your dad you were doing what I call freeriting and that’s how I’ve been connecting to my dad who’s in spirit I free free right to connect to him is it was it that sort of just or do you do it like hit 3 good things that happened today.

24:25.80
Steve Usher
E m.

24:32.16
katrinamcollier
Ah, how do you tension like what makes it easy for you because it can be hard.

24:32.21
Steve Usher
Here’s a good thing so it yeah I you know I it can be hard and and I’ve been through moments where I’ll be like oh no I must do this structure and it you know we go in this kind of way of like and sometimes just just release it just go wake up in the morning. Go what do I want to share today and just write it down.

24:40.38
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

24:48.49
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

24:49.55
Steve Usher
1 thing I would recommend is just put minimum 5 like what are you great the gratitude grounding in gratitude um, is enormous and if you do it long enough consistency over time. It starts to really you know embed in your psyche and how you see the world and be present.

24:53.33
katrinamcollier
Yeah, it’s huge. That’s cute. Yeah, yeah, it’s slightly challenging if you have a dog who likes to wake you.

25:07.95
Steve Usher
Only these things. Ah.

25:12.48
katrinamcollier
But you know other than that. But actually I find as Well. It’s like such a quick mood shifter isn’t it. So if you sort of you know you wake up and you are feeling like a bit down. It’s like ah Appreciate. You have a bed appreciate you have ah like something warm over you appreciate you know, particularly here in the current summer in vertical moments. Um, but you know and it’s like appreciating food in your fridge and that the bills are paid and like just appreciating every single little thing can really shift the mood as Well. Which I find quite good. Um, yeah.

25:38.11
Steve Usher
I have shifted my mood so many times by just writing and then talking to myself through my writing and I walk again. Well I feel way better because of that. Um and in ah in a completely much better frame of mind. Um, yeah.

25:48.79
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, you’re not, You’re not rolling over picking up your phone and doom scrolling like you’re not going straight into comparison. You’re literally in the moment which is also it’s very easy to do that when there are alarm clocks as well. It’s like pick it up.

25:55.50
Steve Usher
I Mean there’s so much goodness in it exactly.

26:04.39
Steve Usher
Yeah, well, that’s something I learned from there’s a book called make more time by Jake Nap who actually created the design sprint format and I read that and I was like oh my god and I deleted also I haven’t been on social since but I’ve deleted I got out of social I’ve removed.

26:07.69
katrinamcollier
James girl say yes.

26:18.89
katrinamcollier
I.

26:23.17
Steve Usher
All of these things that are vying for our attention and the question you have to ask yourself if you are somebody who is scrolling on Tiktok for an hour imagine what you could do with 20 minutes of that time by just sitting and journaling and we when you know, go back to this I go back to this in.

26:25.63
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah.

26:32.11
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

26:34.90
katrinamcollier
yeah yeah I could do that sometimes did you get stuck in the Instagram funnies. Yeah.

26:42.70
Steve Usher
Ah, go back to this infinite thing right? We only have an amount of time. How much time do you want to give to a Tiktok and be a like a commodity. Um, yeah I’m I’m not a big fan of it I gotta be honest I’d rather yeah, do the other work. That’s my preference anyway, everyone has their own thing.

26:49.30
katrinamcollier
Yeah, interesting. And I do find and I do and I’ve read Johann Harry’s book stolen focus which I cannot recommend enough that everybody read the last chapter blows your mind. It’s like oh my gosh the direction that we are heading as a society is terrifying like we must stop.

27:06.92
Steve Usher
Um, download.

27:17.35
katrinamcollier
So um, he doesn’t solve the destruction problem but he does talk about and even though I’ve read that sometimes I do find I’m like what am I doing like it is designed to be addictive. But it’s not the only reason we’re distractive. There’s a lot more to it than just the the tools and actually it’s not our fault. That’s the other thing There’s a lot of blame put on us as the user.

27:23.18
Steve Usher
M.

27:36.70
katrinamcollier
Like you’ve done turn off the notifications. Take it off your phone all those sorts of things. Um I findd it hard because it’s also where I talk about my business and talk about my books. It’s like this balancing A you’re playing of don’t look at it. You know? So yeah, it’s it’s it’s interesting. Yeah.

27:38.40
Steve Usher
M.

27:46.17
Steve Usher
Yes, yeah, it’s just time I mean it’s time well spent. Where do you want to spend your time and and if you’re committed to growing or improving your life or so you know dealing with grief or dealing with a challenge or if you’re I mean from a negative and you’re trying to solve some that in order to.

28:03.83
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, ah yeah.

28:04.77
Steve Usher
Heal or move forward with something and oh then then you’ve got to put in the work and um, you know consistency’s King with anything and you know whether it’s you creating content or you’re working on yourself or your’re journaling if you do journaling every day for a year I promise you when you read that back. You will.

28:12.52
katrinamcollier
And yeah.

28:21.82
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

28:24.19
Steve Usher
So much insight and all the ticks that you have and the air How you’re thinking and all of the themes that you go Oh my God and it enables you to focus. Oh loads them? Yeah, it’s great. It’s great. It’s really good, but just you need to do the work.

28:32.80
katrinamcollier
Um, do spot patterns as well. Yeah, would just yeah I agree but would you also still recommend having that person.

28:42.19
Steve Usher
10 minutes a day.

28:47.27
Steve Usher
Hundred percent

28:47.38
katrinamcollier
Like having that coach as well because I’m thinking of a situation recently where I told like I put a mirror up to you tonight with the situation you were going through which we sha’t go into um but it was like do you still think? yeah that helps doesn’t it if you’re still yeah I think I’ll always be working with someone I can’t imagine not because it’s just.

28:52.24
Steve Usher
Yes, course it does. Yeah I Really you know it. But I mean look we we.

29:05.47
katrinamcollier
Like to be like on my deathbed going? yes and I’m still working on myself I’m still discovering things.

29:11.77
Steve Usher
We’re so you know we’re still, we’re hearing in this narrative that the world’s becoming more polarized and you know all of these things and we’ becoming more separated than ever and if you choose what you want to believe in in those in those stories but we’re we’re hardwired to connect and the more tech that is coming.

29:16.76
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.

29:25.40
katrinamcollier
To connect. Yeah yeah.

29:31.80
Steve Usher
The more we have to ground in human fact and so that’s the reality and we’ve all got a job to do on that individually and then together and um, yeah, yeah, it’s a it’s a journey. It’s a journey and one thing I have learned as well. Everyone everyone is having.

29:37.67
katrinamcollier
In yeah.

29:49.57
Steve Usher
Some form of something going on and so we do also need to it has definitely particularly with these unthinking training I’m combining this work on myself. You realize holy shit. Ah yeah, this drives my behavior and sometimes how I act towards others or how I am then.

29:56.75
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

30:06.78
Steve Usher
If I So if I see that in another situation then I also have to stop myself from judgment and go there must be something must be happening on their side or something you know it just changes that lens to give you a filter to not just jump into judgment which is so easy to do to go in with empathy.

30:07.66
katrinamcollier
Yeah. Yeah.

30:19.33
katrinamcollier
Yeah, yeah I think that’s when you also know that you’ve really got to that point where you’re like well along your healing Journey Stroke healed is when you can look at the person that perhaps has caused you some trauma or is.

30:24.19
Steve Usher
Yeah, and support. Yeah.

30:31.25
Steve Usher
M.

30:39.21
katrinamcollier
Hitting a trigger. What are they doing with complete compassion and I sort of realized like I can look at both my parents with utter compassion for my childhood trauma and’s like that really helps. But you’re so right in situations you made me think of you know those dreadful upstairs neighbors I had at the last place.

30:39.96
Steve Usher
Yeah.

30:55.42
katrinamcollier
How I could see the trauma in the family and could understand their behavior. It didn’t mean I enjoyed their behavior but it was that you’re absolutely right? and I think as the world it it is getting polarized I think it’s getting I mean we’ve talked about third dimensional energy in the fifth dimensional energy and I do see that split.

30:55.61
Steve Usher
Ah, yeah.

31:12.88
katrinamcollier
Between those who are aware that we are all connected and that we can create an amazing good to those who are really clinging onto the fear and the drama and I think it’s even more important that those of us who are choosing to ascend and choosing to heal need to show such compassion for those who perhaps are just too scared to do so which is.

31:13.45
Steve Usher
Um.

31:28.29
Steve Usher
Yeah, yeah, we do we do? We are indeed. Yeah.

31:31.37
katrinamcollier
We’re gonna need more of that interesting times ahead. Oh if if people would like to connect with you to find out more maybe about the breathwork you’ve done or connect to your coaches. What’s the best place for you. What’s easiest. Ah, well Linkedin is meant to be social. Is it not no.

31:44.32
Steve Usher
Not social linkedin link no linkedin well yeah, but it’s a business. Ah no, it’s a Linkedin linkedin Steve usher. Yes.

31:50.97
katrinamcollier
It’s not ah my favorite unsocial network. Yeah send you Linkedin and obviously mention the podcast so you know where you heard it from but you do have a you have a business website as well. You’re doing amazing things in employee experience like it.

32:00.10
Steve Usher
Yeah, but I do yeah so yeah, co-founder of wonder and our ah our Hashtag is more human experienceences. So it’s bringing more human to the workplace and of course post covid. It’s never been a better time to to design for humans. So.

32:16.11
katrinamcollier
Be more human Love that.

32:19.41
Steve Usher
Ah, but you know if I guess you can all sense a bit of a yeah um I guess a theme now in my life for the last seven eight years it’s it’s yeah it’s design it’s human it’s empathy all of these things. So I’m yeah.

32:28.26
katrinamcollier
Um, yeah.

32:32.41
Steve Usher
I’m privileged I’m I’m super privileged I’m on a new journey a new identity. Um new Space New life and yeah, super grateful. No yeah, yeah, no I did the work to do that.

32:35.88
katrinamcollier
Yeah, and actually your new identity isn’t a mask. It’s you, there’s no, it’s not a front and you pretending to? yeah, it’s pretty cool. Ah know I’m glad we get to chat every fortnight so I get to hear you’re doing ah you too always thank you so much. Dave.

32:51.15
Steve Usher
Did the work to get there I know I love it. Are you a good friend Katrina it’s all good. Thank you, thank you.