Is my mother’s behaviour excusable?
My memoir The Damage of Words was published on my birthday on Tuesday! 🤩
After a 2+ year journey, I secured a contract with the fabulous humans at Synergy Publishing, and she’s now out in the world ready to inspire readers with my journey of healing self-hatred and gaining self-mastery.
The ripple has begun. Conversations have started. And some repercussions were felt.
One who suffered the same applauded my ability to write with compassion, which they believe they could not, and shows the value of the healing I detail in my memoir. It made me think about the difference between understanding and excusing an abuser’s behaviour.
Because is my mother’s behaviour excusable? Could she have acted differently?
In my memoir, I explain the impact of generational trauma and the lack of any form of parenting manual, amplified by the detrimental impact of suicide, and how combined, they led to Mum’s behaviour.
I didn’t do it to excuse what she did, but understanding how her covert narcissism was created helped me heal. I chose to release all of the negative energy I was holding towards her so I could move on to health and happiness. (What I call forgiveness; it doesn’t involve speaking to them!)
According to this article from Dr Nikki Spelman:
The development of covert narcissism is often the result of early traumatic childhood experiences with primary caregivers. This can involve neglect, emotional abuse and inconsistent parenting, which over time can lead to a distorted self-image.
I found the answer though to the question, ‘Why aren’t we narcissists too?’ in this article:
Whether someone develops into an empathic type of person or a narcissistic type of person has to do with the type of coping mechanisms they employed when they were children, their individual personality and what worked for them. It’s a marriage of many things. There also may be some herditary or genetic influence here, too
As a narcissist, my mother lacks the ability to empathise. She is incapable of placing herself in the “shoes” of her children. She cannot be self-aware or self-reflective so doesn’t see her impact. Even the physical abuse she acknowledges – with zero remorse – dismisses the far more sinister damage created by her emotional abuse.
In the role of codependent to Mum’s narcissism, I developed my empathetic skills to read the energy and know if I was safe. I became attuned to her mood, neglected my own emotions, and with self-awareness adapted my behaviour to appease hers. Exhausting!
Once I began healing my core wound through inner child work, which reduced my erratic and defensive behaviour, I could employ self-awareness and self-reflection to stop the trauma with me. I’ve found it beneficial to understand and accept that she lacks empathy and without it, I don’t think she is capable of behaving differently. For all of those she impacts, I wish she could, but it will never happen.
Excusable or not, releasing my resentment towards her left me whole and happy.